To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

Yes, of course she is.

spending most weekends at our house
we do lots of craft and baking for Christmas, I usually invite her and a couple other friends to join in
I will buy a smaller tree too and invite her to do it the next day and maybe do some gingerbread men

Wanting to put some pjs and curl up on the sofa instead of babysitting another child?

Awful and selfish behaviour, the shame 😂

She hasn't been invited has she?

She invited herself!

Does your daughter really want her there or didn't want to say no?

I'd probably try to find some compromise if your daughter would really like her there.

Things that are special to us often aren't to the kids!

Op I would feel the same and be uncomfortable re having this child all the time .

Do you speak to the granny at all ?
Can you ask her will /does this girl get to decorate a tree ? Becsyee she wants to do mine ? I feel bad saying no but does she get to do one ?the granny may say yes !! Mine ,her mum's and her dad's when she goes there !!
In which case you don't feel bad.

If not then maybe let her do it.

When my adult DDs were young they had a friend whose home life was chaotic. We welcomed her to anything and everything and she became almost part of the family. Now that she is grown we all love her like our own.

I think you’re being a bit precious to be honest.

From the point of view of my younger self, I am not an only child, but there is a large age gap between me and my older siblings, so it felt like I was at times. I had a little friend who lived next door, she was a only child and we did spend a lot of time together and it even though I liked doing things with my parents it was so much better having a friend to play and chat with as I didn’t have a sibling my age to share these moments with.

My parents used to include her in things like this if I wanted them to and looking back it was so lovely that they did. 30+ years later me and the little girl are still friends, she and her husband will actually be coming to my parents house with me for dinner on Boxing Day this year. We still fondly remember our childhoods.

I get you want it to be a special family thing but your child won’t understand the “making memories” thing in the way that you are trying to do. And might even find the idea of doing this with only her parents less appealing than bringing a friend along. My memories of Christmas at that age are magical, and I don’t think they would be as good if my little friend wasn’t there.

Let your daughter decide if she wants her mate to come along. Also, it’s Christmas. Surely part of the spirit it sharing it with others.

Special family times are important OP and I'm with you on this one.

You sound like a lovely caring Mum and I agree with some pps suggesting you do a special Christmas activity with DDs friend and DD the day after your special family day. Just tell her you're all going to be busy that day. If she does come to the door just tell her you're busy and DD will see her tomorrow.

Some pps have said what difference will it make to your DD she might not even remember it but YOU will! We are allowed to create special memories for us as well as our children. Don't feel guilty OP. It sounds lovely.

I had a friend when I was a little girl whose home life was chaotic. When I look back, as an adult and a parent myself, I just think that circumstances had basically overwhelmed the adults in my friend’s life and that she fell through a lot of cracks - not to a level that could be considered ‘proper’ neglect, but definitely to a point where she had too much freedom and not enough adults she could trust who were reliably there for her.

She pretty much spent every weekend at my house for about five years. She never slept over, but she was with us all the time. My parents basically saw her as a bonus child. I’m glad they did because she had such a shit time as a child, shuttled around between adults who just didn’t really have time for her, but our house was always a safe place. So she did help us with stuff like decorating the tree, and she came on family days out. And I think it’s telling that she’s NC with her own family now but not with mine.

On the other hand, at the time I sometimes found it hard not having what I feel like was family time without her, and I wish my parents had set a few more boundaries sometimes - she would even come round if we’d fallen out and just not speak to me in my own home. My mum explained as best she could that my friend didn’t really have anywhere else to go and she came here because it was safe.

So I see both sides. But I think a bit of generosity of spirit - at Christmas, especially - wouldn’t go amiss.

nah Not at all. It’s pretty much what’s indicated by OP.

the kids annoying. I’m surprised OPs put up with it for this long.

I completely agree with this. If having her friend there makes her happy I would be happy to accommodate that. She might be really disappointed if the friend cant come and that will spoil.it for her and therefore probably you

"Making memories" rarely works, People just have memories, and you don't get to control what they are or what emotions they're inflected with.

I think you're perfectly justified in sticking with this family tradition, just as you like it. It sounds delightful, and something my own dear old dad adored every year. (The fairy on the top of the tree made with a loo roll inner ‘torso’ was his pièce de résistance 🤣) Very much a close, family vibe.

For your family, it’s the joy your little girl interacting with her parents, of mutual enjoyment, and that will be shattered if her attention is on her little friend, in their own giggly bubble.
It’s important to you, and you don’t have to yield to every whim that’s voiced.

There’s no reason at all for a couple of 7-year olds to hold sway here, and gawd knows enough of the focus during the coming 6 or 7 weeks will be on them, and on kids in general.
You'll be lucky to have your own preferences recognised at all, so stand firm on this one!

Or cast out (or at least dissuade) the Gadarene child! OP’s house is, for one day, her Christmas temple 🎄🙏🏻
(mixed parables and lessons etc there, sorry! )

Exactly my thoughts but I’m getting some flack 🤣 it’s weird & it’s inappropriate

I think you need to relax a bit OP, but then I consider Christmas more for children than adults anyway. If this is what your daughter wants to do, what’s the harm?

The hot chocolate as a tradition on MN baffles me too. Surely it’s just a 10 minute activity? Not something to build a whole evening around.

I haven't R all TFT but I have read all the OP's posts.
Who are you doing this for, OP?
I used to make traditions for my DDs so, if they wanted something a bit different, I was flexible. One year of her friend coming round to join in isn't a huge deal imo.
If it's because it's important to you that's it's just the three of you, tell DD that.

It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small

DD is 7. So not that many years.

We do a hot chocolate station thing with chocolate bombs etc

Don't answer either if you don't want to.

Just say no sorry this is a family day. I’m sure your family will do your Christmas tree with you and you can help with that. No is a full sentence.

Well, to be fair, WhatdoesitmeanKeith suggests Surely it’s just a 10 minute activity?
How long does it take to pick up a hot chocolate from a "station" and lob a chocolate sphere into it?
Unless the station is Platform 9 3/4 and you live in the Orkneys or something.

I'm not saying it doesn't sound nice; it just sounds like you're making a big deal out of something you find important but perhaps your DD doesn't mind changing a little bit.

I would contact the grandma and explain 7:30 is to early to he ringing and knocking on doors. Tell her the child is more than welcome (if she is) to knock on after 10am

More #bekind bollocks at the OP’s expense.

She is not responsible for the neighbour child’s Christmas season experiences.

We don’t all consider Christmas family traditions as solely for children.

OP’s daughter needs to learn that it’s ok for families to have boundaries and for parents’ rituals and traditions to be respected.

I think you should stick to your guns on this - family traditions like this become important as they get older.

Tell the little girl no, Saturday your dd isn’t available as it’s a family day but they can come see the tree on Sunday. (Or they can play on Saturday but not Sunday).

I also think you should say to grandma that 7:30 is too early, can she stop her granddaughter coming over before 10am please.

It is not selfish at all. Ironically, it is protection against being taken advantage of by selfish people.

What bullshit. She’s not a Scrooge to want one day free of this pushy child.

OP isn’t running a social services agency.