To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

X

Apparently I must hate her child because I don’t want her to play with my children. Really I think it’s because she is a single mother of four and it was one less child to have to deal with it she was at mine.

That figures.

Good grief. 🙄

It sounds like an honest mistake, you were inside and he was told to leave it outside, let it go.

That sounds great!

I would tell her, and her grandmother, that although it’s lovely for her to come and play with DD, you’d rather she didn’t call you or come round before X o’clock. Don’t let them walk all over you.

Tell grandma that when you’re available for a playdate you will let her know. The child should not be setting the agenda for everyone else.

I think if DD really wants her there to decorate the tree I would include her and let them do that together.

DD is 7 and growing up, it’s natural to adapt traditions as she becomes more independent and looking more to include and celebrate with peers.

Your daily boundaries around what time she comes to play I do agree are sensible (and perhaps it may help to also limit to specific days), but yes you are being a bit precious about this particular thing IMO.

I wonder what the friends home life is like that she's want to be around someone else family so often.

I understand wanting it to be just the three of you and you don't have to be that saintly neighbour who takes all the kids in but my instincts tell me that friend may not have the best time at home which is sad 😢. I hope I'm wrong.

Take the friend. It doesn't sound as if her family do much. Christmas is after all about giving to others. Born in a stable, remember?

Not that great. DD wants friend. And it's Christmas. We adapt our traditions as we grow.

A child might think it's desirable to have a "friend join the fun" but it's not her call.

I do agree with this. But I’m not sure from the OP’s post that this was a case of her child wanting this child to come. It sounds to me like it’s the neighbour who has said “I want to come - can I come?” and the OP’s child (who has no doubt been taught to be kind and polite etc) has said yes without thinking about it too much. And when she’s gone back and said “actually, mum says no”, the neighbour child has been even pushier about it and dug her heels in and said “I’m coming - my mum said so”. Doesn’t sound like it was the OP’s DD who was pleading to have her friend there.

I’d send a text to the grandma saying “think the girls may bell have some crossed wires? I did ask DD to say to neighbour that we have plans for Sunday so that’s not convenient for a play date - but they can get together soon and perhaps do something Christmassy? Hope all’s well etc”.

It is perfectly reasonable to say no to the other child. I would also have a word with the grandmother and say something along the lines that the friendship between the girls is lovely but you don't want her calling round or on the phone before 10am. And certainly not at 7.30am. It is all very inconsiderate and sounds like a lack of discipline and boundaries going on, which isn't the child's fault. You clearly allow her round a lot of the time but you are also entitled to your family time and traditions without having to be responsible for someone else's child.

Maybe this is all being over thought - Christmas is really for children and your lovely kind daughter wants to involve another little child with some Christmas magic- been through similar things myself and the lesson being you can't control everything around you. It would be so nice just to let go and accommodate your child's wishes especially ones like this that are so sweet and thoughtful-nobody is setting out to hurt your feelings you are the safe responsible parent its a mark of respect. Sometimes things come to us for a reason and maybe this was your chance to do something lovely for someone else.

That kid needs some boundaries.

That’s a lovely post 💕

What rubbish.
It's fine to keep an event just for family. What's the betting if the friend comes the kids end up arguing anyway & it all goes South.

OP - if you're even still there by now, just keep it to family only and enjoy it. Sounds like you have a lovely tradition going on

This

Stick to your guns op.

Also the 7.30am calls would drive me mad!

Just say no, she's 7, so what if she wants to join in, she isn't invited. Also if she has a shit home life this isn't your problem, I wouldn't have random kids around when we are decorating the tree, if my children asked I'd say no, they can do their own tree, we do ours as a family. I'd nip the whole coming over thing in the bud, if it's encroaching on your weekend, you just say no and repeat. She will get bored of asking eventually.

so negative- life must be hard hope it gets better.

I'll go against the grain and say I think it would be quite nice if you did involve this little friend in a fun day like that. She's clearly not getting much fun at home if she's often at yours! (and her parents are getting free childcare, grrr) I'd just feel sorry for her. Having a friend at a Christmas family event can shake it up a bit and make it lovely. Bloody hell, I'd LOVE it if we could have friends included in our fairly staid family Christmas stuff but our younger child being profoundly autistic and resistant to change/outsiders means that's a no. We still have both sets of grandparents but for varying reasons (mostly to do with age and infirmity) neither set comes to us/us to them and I'm really sad about that. I'd love to add a friend into the mix!

But having said that, your Christmas ritual of getting the tree sounds very set in stone, and you're clearly going to be upset if it varies, and it IS your Christmas ritual, after all.

I just hope your daughter's little friend gets to decorate her own tree.

how important is it to your DD to have her friend involved? Will she be very upset if friend cannot take part? Does she enjoy the family vibe thing as much as you and DH?

Well, the classic translation in English does mention ‘suffer’, in relation to those little children…..🤣