To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

It’s okay to want a special family day. It sounds like an important tradition. It’s also okay that the little girl next door wants to be included. The tricky part is balancing what you want with what she wants. I second an earlier suggestion; keep your family tradition and plan a fun Christmas Day for your daughter and friend with arts and crafts, baking and Christmas tunes. That way your desires and the little girl’s wishes are both accommodated. Win win.

I wouldn’t allow it.

You may need to spell it out to the mum AND the grandma! "I understand your DD enjoys being at our place but we would like some family time, especially for our Christmas traditions. Oh and by the way please keep her from showing up at 7.30 in the morning at our place. We are happy to see her cute little face after 10am but not on that particular day.". I totally get you as mum of 2 boys who constantly have friends knocking on the door (not at 7.30 am though 🤣). Stay strong!

When did it get normal not to keep some events for just family? My parents were always very sociable, but it was super rare to have friends round for Sunday dinner (and would be their friends with kids, rather than a single friend of mine or my siblings, like it would be on a weeknight or a Saturday). I don’t see the problem with keeping this tradition as a family one. To dd you say sorry, no, this is just for us because it’s our family time. And similar to the friend. She can come round the next day and do the activity with your dd as you suggest.

Even if it’s a boundary your dc doesn’t much like at the moment, it’s important that she sees her friends don’t make the rules: if she struggles to tell them no, if they are quite dominating (or worse) and insinuate themselves into all her activities, she needs to know that you’re there keeping home a safe place where it’s just family some of the time.

It sounds like your daughter is at the age where she would enjoy having her friend join her dressing the tree. I'd go with what your daughter wants on this occasion - it gets boring when it's just mummy and daddy and she may simply prefer having someone her own age as she's an only child.

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth it sounds like you more than accommodate this girl.

You don’t have to accommodate her for every eventuality… including this one.

Christmas crafts on a different day… but this one is for you and the family and that’s absolutely fine!

Yanbu. Kids decorating trees is usually a mess imo.

them choosing some decorations, absolutely

No. You’ve said no. Don’t let her dictate this. The girl needs to know she cannot just come over when she likes. For a family-only special event it’s just family. You made your decision and that’s your preference. It’s up to you for other things that might be family-only or next Christmas if you all have a conversation and agree that your daughter can have a friend around. You’re the adult. Don’t let a 7-year old neighbour tell you what to do (and against your wishes).

Arriving at 7:30 on a morning is not convenient. Decide on a time and say she can visit at that time, and then don’t answer the door or just say “no, you cannot visit this early, come back at X time”. Repeat as many times as necessary.

When does your child go to her house? My son has two friends and he’s never been to their house yet they’ve been to ours a lot of times (one tens of times and the other hundreds of times). Incredibly selfish really. Clearly it’s not the girl’s fault but the parents. They are using you for childcare. Does she eat and snack at yours too? No one minds if it’s fair and both children share their time between houses.

Edited - just realised it’s a grandparent next door. Makes it more complicated but it’s the same impact on you. Selfish on the part of her parents / grandparent.

So assuming this is the first year of living where you do. The little girl next doors circumstances are worrying. And this is what is bothering you I think.
No child should be knocking on the door at 7.30 in the morning. And she seems to spend rather a lot of time there. Have you met Granny ? You might pick up on a few issues if you did. I suspect you might have the little girl for Christmas Day as well. What you are feeling uncomfortable about isn't the amount of time she spends with your daughter, but the unknowns and her unusual situation.
I would go round and knock on their door. And see what gives and take it from there.

They are 7. You are being unreasonable it's lovely to have other children help. My eldest son's friends have helped us a couple of times and they had a fantastic time, he still remembers these it. He was an only child at the time and it brought more magic to them all. To me that's what Christmas is about. Friends and family.
But I'm saying that it's your thing and your child so it's your decision.

Yeah, 59-60 is not young for a grandma. 😆 Is your image of grandparents always frail and doddery and 'old,' sitting in a reclining chair powered by electric, with a blanket over their legs, watching Gardening Shows, not going out to work, and never leaving the house?!

Fooking hell! 😂 You have some funny ideas about what a grandparent is mate!

Stop being so uptight and precious.
They’re 77 years old ffs. Let them enjoy it.

7 😂

Some people are deliberately obtuse or just itching for a fight. Back in the real world, it sounds like the OP has been very forbearing with this child, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a family tradition that is just for your family.

Also, children don't get to call the shots on everything. Even if OP's daughter genuinely thought it might be fun to have her friend there, that doesn't mean it has to happen or that she won't enjoy her family-only tree-decorating tradition without the friend, and with a rather pushy child, it seems more likely that she's heard about it and essentially invited herself.

Having a seasonal and merry activity afternoon for the two of them to share sounds like an excellent compromise, OP. I hope you enjoy your special Christmas tradition and that the kids have fun with whatever you end up doing with them later on.

Why on earth should OP “balance” her preferences with those of a stranger’s child???

If you want a family Christmas Tree tradition - that's absolutley fine, there will be other occiasions to include your DD's friends.

One thing I would say - DD shouldn't be inviting anyone over to play without asking you first. Yes I know it's her home, encouraging independence etc, but there are boundaries and common courtsey which your DD needs to be aware of, or she could be offering all sorts of invitations to all sorts of people.

My DD offered my services to her teacher, to make all the costumes for the class Christmas show. Did I ? Of course not, the teacher was fully aware this would be unrealistic. However I didn't hear this from either my DD or the teacher, but one of my DD friend's Mums who asked if I needed any help as she'd heard I was making all the costumes. So at least one like friend believed my DD's offer. DD never offered again...

edited for spelling

It’s really simple. You put your foot down and say friend can’t come round that day as we are having special family time. Ffs don’t let a 7 year old tell you what’s going to happen - you tell them.

It’s fine to have a family tradition if the family are on board. If they aren’t it’s time to compromise.

When the child is 7, I'd say they'll most likely be onboard with decorating a tree, drinking hot chocolate, etc. And if they're not, they can play with toys or whatever they normally would do at that time of day. It's not as though OP is trying to force her daughter into a weekly hobby she hates. It's an annual Christmas tradition that lasts one day. I don't think you need to consult with your kids on this type of thing, to be perfectly honest. You're the parent and you set the rules.

This ,the amount of ppl on here who want to bully a child is vile .
Treat the child the same way you would like your own to be treated .

As an aside, is it mandatory to have a hot chocolate after getting the 'real' tree? And then have mince pies and mulled wine when you've schlepped the tree home?!😆Loads of people seem to do this same thing!

This. ^ Putting the tree up on 15th December is as late, as 15th November is early! We already have ours up, (and all the lights outside and in,) but won't put any of the lights on til next weekend. (29th November.)

We have a cheeseboard and champagne while trimming the tree.

Exactly this. It's a slippery slope, changing everything you do, to suit some random child, and the parents will allow you to look after her as much as possible if you're soft enough to do it.

Nice! 🧀