To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

What utter and complete batshit bullshit.

a) Christmas is not JUST about little children. In our family it's about everyone. Adults are allowed to enjoy the Christmas season and their own traditions, too. In fact, I hope this doesn't cause anyone to faint dead away, in my extended family and friends circle we actually have several events across the season at which children are not welcome at all!

b) OP is not "turning a child away." Her daughter is not in charge of the invitations and a childish misunderstanding is hardly the spurning of a shiftless waif.

c) Some of us ENJOY the planning, preparation and anticipation. There's nothing holy or virtuous about "spontanaeity."

d) the child's family are lowlife losers but that is not the OP's problem or fault. She is not required to "be kind" to compensate for the failings of another mother.

So they're not a big deal then?

Yikes. Another thread about a really minor dilemma, which nevertheless turns quite a few into ‘fretful porpentines’, with all their spiky bits on battle alert.

It’s just decorating the tree. It’s not that big a deal. FWIW Christmas decorations are a huge part of our family Christmas. It takes us a day to decorate the house. I really can’t see the harm in letting a kid join in.
Thanks though for using the phrase batshit bulshit. It’s made me smile on a wet Sunday morning. 🙂

Yes, it's so tedious now.

I don't know why anyone bothers posting a question on AIBU anymore.

They don't warrant a bitchy comment about how buying those means everything done that day is to look nice "for Instagram".

If you're all that bothered about the hot chocolate station and how this poor child will miss out I'm sure OP won't be binning the leftover station trimmings the day after.

“It takes us a day to decorate the house. I really can’t see the harm in letting a kid join in.”

But it changes the dynamic of the day.

I can’t believe this thread is still raging on. The OP welcomes this child into her home most weekends and during the week and is going to get a second tree and do baking with her but this still isn’t enough?? Most people wouldn’t even be this generous to a child in their own family, let alone a child who has only come into their family because she happens to live opposite.

1 many of the ornaments are glass that I have been collecting long before I had children

2 my house never looks how I like as it’s overrun by children their things, their mess… my tree is the one thing I get all year that looks exactly how I want it to look

What a nasty, snide thing to say!

What a nasty, snide thing to say!

Must say I’m pretty gobsmacked that anyone in 2025 would be of the opinion that a family unit isn’t really anything to cherish, compared with providing full access and indulgence for all the children of the parish (as though we all lived on 1970s communes) on the basis that children aren’t sufficiently prioritised in our society, but are stifled and ground down by Victorian parenting standards.

I’d have thought it was this laissez-aller attitude to being a parent that has made entitlement and self-absorption the chief characteristics of many a modern teenager, and the adults emerging from this kind of chrysalis are downright dangerous.
(OK, an extreme take on the matter, but there’s a sense of doom in the air this morning. 🤷🏼)

that. nasty comment only says a lot about YOU 😂

@CheeseIsMyIdol

a) Christmas is not JUST about little children. In our family it's about everyone. Adults are allowed to enjoy the Christmas season and their own traditions, too. In fact, I hope this doesn't cause anyone to faint dead away, in my extended family and friends circle we actually have several events across the season at which children are not welcome at all!

This reminds me that when I was 12, I asked my grandmother when she was going to get out the miniature Christmas tree she had as I wanted to decorate it. She took me aside and asked me to let my grandfather do the decorating as he loved it so much!

ETA: OP, just do your tree day as you had planned. I wouldn’t get a mini tree for your DD to decorate with her friend, unless it was your plan all along. The children can do other Christmas related stuff, crafts, cookie decorating, etc.

I wouldn't even answer my door at 7.30am! We would all still be fast asleep at the weekend anyway. Can you not set a few little boundaries for her? My daughters bestie is lovely but often tries to video call her in the morning on the school runs. Life is hectic enough without any extra distractions so we don't answer. I would do the same if someone knocked on the door. Just be like, nope, sorry, come back after 10. Maybe take the girls out for a little Christmas walk somewhere to meet halfway, and then drop her home before you go back to your family afternoon. If you drop her home then that then draws a line under her coming back over. Then tell your daughter she needs to check invites with you first.

I would stop the 7.30 am calls. But sounds like the friend is a bit neglected at home, but on the other hand she needs to take no for an answer and you've already said no to tree decorating. So stick to that.

This is someone else's kid and OP is not obliged to entertain her. If grandma can't deal with her she needs to talk to the mother and have her seek alternative childcare arrangements rather than let the 7 year old come knocking and calling the neighbours at 7.30 in the mornings. It's downright rude to allow this kid to invite herself to the neighbours. I used to have a neighbour kid years ago her and her mum were new to the street she was probably around 8 at the time she'd come knocking at stupid times for my kids cos her mother would shove her out the door to get her out of her way for a few hours. Once she came knocking as I was taking my kids shopping I told her I'm on my way out shopping and she asked to come along I told her no as her mum didn't even bother to get to know anyone in the street and I wasn't about to take a strangers kid out with me. Got home from shopping this kid was sat on my doorstep waiting for us to come back and started looking in my shopping bags asking for ice creams and sweets.

I totally get where you are coming from but I do wonder if you’ll find it’s not the same this year as your daughter may feel very sad doing it that she can’t have her friend there. Maybe let her come for some of the activity then have your family only time after that?

In your shoes I’d get dd a tree for her bedroom and I’d probably buy the girl next door one aswell , and I’d get them a load of (second hand?) decorations and they can do their own trees!! Xo

(then you dd and DH can do the big tree together later on or next day!)

we had a very similar situation with a friend of dd’s always being at our house everyday and I really just wanted an evening without someone else’s child in my home. It ended up blowing up with her mum coming screaming at my door because I’d just come home from work and said no to the children playing together.

Yikes.
what was her (batshit) reasoning?!

What??
Now we’ve escalated into OP furnishing a tree for the child’s home too??

Your house, your rules. Just say no if that’s what you want. Sometimes, children are disappointed by our decisions. That’s ok.

There are some seriously OTT suggestions on this thread.

My view is that you just need to explain to DD that the tree decorating is family time and she can see her friend another time. No need for elaborate parallel plans. You need to start enforcing some boundaries with this friend.

As a side note, some children are just like this and their parents have never told them not to just invite themselves to things. This makes it awkward for you, but you have to just be clear.