To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

No, it's not. Children don't dictate the plans, and the child isn't experienced enough to understand the context and intent of her parents' preferences. That she blurted out "Evvie, you can come over too!" is irrelevant.

How on earth can you tell if people would be "sick of the tree" or not just because you may well be!

I don't have children, but one of the things people tell me constantly is how much being a parent opens their hearts and makes them a more loving person. As though people who don't have kids operate at an inferior level of emotions. But my observation gives me to believe that this open heartedness is confined to their own child and that's it. I am not criticising this at all. It's just an observation.

i don't mean just about Christmas traditions, I mean about the pushy kid barging in every weekend, early and on weekdays too. The OP just wants one unbothered day at a special season of the year.

I absolutely get it OP. I'm an only child and dad was a vicar so busy/tired at Christmas, not to mention the years he was a hospital chaplain and I spent Christmas afternoons performing music in psychogeriatric wards after a lunch in the staff canteen!

I love having our own traditions and youngest dd is still excited despite being nearly 22 - we go to get the tree, see the reindeer and have a hot chocolate then roll our eyes while dh does the annual buggering about to fit it in the stand. Christmas music on then mince pies and mulled wine at the end. Admittedly, dh now sits in the corner like a grumpy elf and dd's bf helps so things move on but at the pace we've chosen. It's out tradition to change when we choose.

It is not lacking in open-heartedness to not want a fucking strange kid at one's tree-trimming event. Stop with the aspersions, people.

Women aren't required to open their homes to every rag, tag and bobtail who invites herself, or to change family traditions, to be considered "open hearted and more loving." These pernicious attitudes that women must be doormats to all, or be insulted for not being caring enough, really need to change.

@CheeseIsMyIdol when it comes to decorating a Christmas tree I can see why a child might want a close friend to join in the fun.

I can see OP in a few years time dragging a reluctant teen down from her room telling her she will have fun decorating the tree because you have to do the tradition I set up years ago and I will never be flexible

As a child who was often encouraged to leave the house at 8 in a morning to play, often annoying neighbours, please reconsider and include this child. I used to envy my friends who had family time and who were taken to see grandparents. I didn't have this. I have very fond memories of naking cakes and playing shop with my friends grandma.

Ah, forced fun. Great Christmas tradition.

Kids that age don't necessarily understand the 'when' of things so if she comes round you can just say DD isn't coming out today but if you come round tomorrow you can play and do whatever. You're not unreasonable at all but I do also agree with PP that your daughter will be reaching a point she wants to do a lot more with friends. Although it does sound like you generally accommodate and facilitate so it's not a given that she will therefore resist family time.

I would worry that the way this child turns up at your door insisting that your daughter play with her might give your daughter unhealthy ideas about boundaries and what we owe other people. As the other girl is the instigator of the friendship and your daughter is just a passenger I think family time for things like decorating the tree and seeing other friends is really important. Are they best friends or is this girl just always there?

All of this fabricated anticipatory schadenfreude nonsense is so annoying. Projecting one's own issues on the OP and her family is pointless.

A child might think it's desirable to have a "friend join the fun" but it's not her call. The tree-trimming is just as much for the parent as it is for the child. Adults are allowed to have holiday traditions and not subsume everything to the whims of little children who are too young to know better.

Why are you even considering it? This neighbour's kid sounds like there are no boundaries at home but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have any. I personally would have stopped her coming round all the time especially at 7.30 in the morning. You have made a rod for your own back. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. A simple 'no' is all that's needed. No drama.

This sort of guilting isn't helpful.

If the child is neglected the OP should consider calling SS. Not turning her own home into some sort of refuge.

No, it's a planned day out with planned activities, because things don't just magically happen. Most of can't just open our door and there's a Christmas tree, then open our cupboards and hey presto! there's hot chocolate and Christmas snacks.
Christmas panto? Tickets need to be bought soon after release. There's more to life than a walk to the local park and it needs planning.
I was the only child who loved it when friends joined in or we did things with my cousins. But I like our set tradition of decorating. Me and my youngest (27) have swapped our previous hot chocolate for advocaat and Christmas cocktails. So the next day of shared Christmas activities, is the best plan.

If your Dd really wants her friend to join in the Christmas fun then you could try this:

Go to the Christmas market, just you, Dh and Dd, pick out the tree etc.
When you return home, neighbour child arrives to help put up the tree and listen to Christmas music, have hot chocolate or a simple meal or whatever with your Dd and then you send her home. You then have the rest of the day/evening to lounge around in pj's, have more hot chocolate and watch movies, etc.

This way, you still have a special family day but it's extra special to Dd because someone her own age got to be a part of it for a little while. The majority of the day it will be just the 3 of you so you'll be keeping to your Christmas tradition, just changing it slightly for an hour or two to include Dd's friend.

There's nothing wrong either with saying 'No, come visit some other day instead', explain to your Dd that some occasions are family only, if you're sure that's how you want to keep things for the time being.

Keep in mind however, that your Dd will have her own memories when she's looking back at her childhood so weigh up the pros and cons of limiting these sort of occasions and traditions to family only as your Dd gets older. Going forward, since your Dd is an only child, I think you should consider including other dc in some of your family days out and family traditions, if that's what your Dd really wants.

Find a balance so it's sometimes just the 3 of you and sometimes other dc are included in these special and fun occasions.

(However, you do have to become better at setting out clear rules, it's not ok to have children ringing you or turning up on your doorstep at 7.30am or staying 'til all hours. Let your Dd have quality time with friends but don't let the children dictate when that happens)

I do understand about having those special Christmas traditions, it's similar in my home. It's just about recognising when to change things up a little bit so that everyone is happy.
Whatever you decide, I hope you all have a fun day.🎄

Organised, planned, not forced, the OPs dd wants to do this day.

honestly do some people never plan time with their dcs?! That’s pretty shit.

Isn’t it just! The chaotic free for all some people describe here sounds like a nightmare

This. Wow. Criticizing another adults post! Happy Christmas ( in late December that is!).

Sorry, but no. Just no.

All this headache and faff and bodging up the day for what???? Because a child too young to understand blurted out an invitation to a neighbour kid who already gets FAR more indulgence from the OP than she should!

There is no indication that OP's child is lonely, isolated, friendless, doesn't like spending time with just her two parents, etc. etc. There is no way the OP should be leaping through hoops to re-design her special seasonal day to accommodate a stranger's child. It's absolutely absurd to suggest that she do so!

What's next? Why not let the kid move right on in; she's there all the time anyway, right? I'm sure her able 50-something businesswoman grandmother can use the free childcare, eh? Must #bekind at all costs, eh?

My niece has a friend like this and I think it stems from the parents. When she has not been invited to join us for an activity, she will tell us “no it’s ok, my mum said I could go with you / spend the afternoon at your home” and I’ve had to explain to her mother that she doesn’t get to dictate who participates in our family’s events.

I do like the idea of having an ornament-making party that the friend can take home, but you’re allowed to have family traditions that are only for family.

Op sounds like quite a sensitive person, which I suspect is why she posted on here. She has made her decision and should be happy with it and stick with it, regardless of the thoughts of people like me and others on here. After all they're just opinions. They mean absolutely fuck all, and matter even less.

Another thought OP, you said your dd has lots of friends, but is this girl monopolising the weekend time as she’s coming round every weekend day as she’s at grandmas? Does your dd get to have play dates with other children without next door girl coming round too?

it might be worth making a point of making sure your dd gets time with other children as well. If next door girl is only a friend because she’s there every weekend, if mum changes job so grandma doesn’t have to do childcare your dd might end up a bit upset. Does your dd play with other children at school or does she always play with next door girl at school as well?

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth have you actually spoken to the grandmother about her granddaughter coming over every weekend and in the evenings as well? Does the mum know? I think I would be tempted to try and catch the mum to say you are concerned about her calling you so early in the morning and wanting to check everything is ok.

I don't know why people think you should take in this child on what you want as a special occasion with your own daughter. Where do you draw the line? What happens if the week after you say you're going to see Santa and DD tells the neighbours child and she then wants to go too? What happens on Christmas eve if grandma has her then and sends her round.

You haven't mentioned if your daughter goes round there to play. It sounds very one sided.

Some family traditions especially around Christmas absolutely can stay the same up until people are adult children. Otherwise they aren’t traditions. Just things that sort of happen in a similarish way. These kids are SEVEN.

OP they are 7. You set the agenda. Just firmly but kindly say to the girls ‘XXXX is family time. You’ve can play the next day’ and if they keep asking just give them the look