To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

Quite right! Much more important that they Make Memories along the prescribed lines than that they like it!

But it isn't.
How long does it take to put them on?
I can see spinning out having a hot "choc" while watching a film but how can you make putting on pyjamas take more than 5 minutes (and that's if you're 5)?

I appreciate this is nothing to do with OP's family-only traditions and I'm sure she doesn't struggle with her Christmas "PJs".

Oh ok…didn’t realise it was a joke…just not funny 😁

Erm, the OP’s memories have value, too.

How twee

Why on earth should she do that?? Why let this kid inveigle herself into private family traditions?? OP isn’t a social worker.

If the child is being neglected or abused, report to SS. If not, let her own family provide Christmas traditions as they see fit.

quite.

God forbid a mum would want to spend a bit of time with her own child, and not another child in the way when she decorates her tree.

AND offering alternative activities to said pushy child the following day.

Sure but if the point is a nice family time, then what's important to others in the family should maybe factor in?

I find this "just us" thing really weird, but then I don't have children so I guess it makes sense that I don't get it. Your dd is an only child. Have you thought about what that really means for a young person? Although she is probably used to it, I bet it is wonderful to have another little girl to giggle and share little secrets with, especially when you are doing something like dressing a xmas tree. You might want it to be just you, but she clearly doesn't. As it is Christmas and, in my mind, Christmas is really for kids, I think that her desires trump yours.

I think don’t over think it. Just message the Mom and say “ooh not this wekekend but she can come over for a few hours on X Sat and have a Christmassy few hours”. I deffo wouldn’t be in the habit of having a child every weekend calling at 7.30.

God forbid a seven year old might enjoy having another child along!

But don’t you understand, it’s nothing to do with perfect decorations? I don’t care about that…it’s just wanting it to be us with our Dd and dogs, just a cosy family thing

Which is fine and valid.
And she should explain to her DD that this tradition is important for her and not pretend it's for her DD and, hopefully, DD will see it like that one day too.
Mothers don't have to pretend they're doing everything to please their children.

Jesus didn't have children. Everybody is a perfect parent until they have kids. Bet the gospels would have a different tone if he had to deal with his own kids.

It’s ok to say no 😊

this is NOT the same thing but I’m going to tell you anyway. We were foster carers a long time ago and we had this little girl about 7 come into emergency care as her normal foster carer (who had 6 kids) had to have surgery.

it was the first weekend in December so we said yes, we’d have her for a couple of weeks. Apparently she was the most difficult (was she fuck, she was perfect).

Anyway, when she was dropped off she had a couple of days with us where she was really quiet (totally normal) and then I said we were going to put up the Christmas tree tomorrow and asked if she’d like to help. I’d put muppets Christmas carol on and it would be nice.

She asked if the other children could come (not allowed, they were dispersed over the area) and I said it would just be us.

anyway, we’re putting the tree together and I have hundreds of baubles - lots of glass and vintage ones from the last 70 years (as some my grandmothers). She is touching every one, holding it up to the fairy light and then ever so gently putting it on the tree. She doesn’t get faster and faster, she goes slower and slower until eventually 3 hours later the whole tree is perfectly decorated. I just went at her pace.

we have hot chocolate, listen to Christmas music, and ice cookies with ⛄️ and Santa 🎅🏻

I’m putting her to bed at night and she grabs me round the neck and hugs me as tight as it’s possible to hug a person and says ‘I’ve never had anyone where it was just me, there’s always been others. I wish today didn’t end’.

(yeah I left the room and cried, DH cried too when I told him)

Not if you can't understand it, no.

why are you so invested?

The OP is planning on inviting her another day to do Christmas activities, on which planet is that not enough? It's already too much.

You don't have to have the local brat at home for EVERYTHING

Are posters on here planning on flogging their own kids to the neighbours? Is that the issue here 😂

Omg she is 7, not 17! No this stays as a family event, dd needs to learn boundaries - there are personal boundaries and family boundaries, and this is one. Do other crafts etc with a group of her friends then after. If she turns up, ask her to go back for now and you'll see her another time.

She has her around constantly.

It is good for OP’s daughter to see her mother setting boundaries & valuing privacy.

It is a lovely story, but I don't think Op's DD will be saying that she's glad it's just them. She wants her friend there this year.

We live next door to one of these. She had absolutely no intention of ever inviting my daughter to do anything that was just family or with her other best friend.
But gigged in on absolutely everything that involved my daughter and more to the point trying to push her little sister out like she was the replacement child. My youngest would be sat there like a spare part.

What I would say OP is ignore the people who think that anything you enjoy is not worth it and focus on this. Traditions in a family are important. I have very clear memories of my family tree decorating tradition, I wouldn’t have that if it had been scrapped in order to provide someone else with childcare when I was in year 2.

do your tradition, you have given enough free care for this grandmother. One day for a family is important.

And do tell the grandmother that 7:30am is too early for her DGD to come round to play.

What type of relationship do you have with the child's grandmother? Grandmother although young, may be from a generation where kids 'playing out' is normative and so thinks her grand-daughter taking her phone to ring your house is an adaptation of this. As the adult she should be intervening so you both can negotiate what is reasonable. You could check with the grandmother if she is aware that her grand-daughter is using her phone to ring your phone as early as 7:30 and from your perspective that is too early and puts you in a difficult position managing a little girl's feelings. You can then explain it would be more helpful if grandmother texted you first to find out if it was convenient to arrange a play meet with your daughter as you think its too much for 7 year olds to negotiate and its putting the children into situations they shouldn't have to manage. Such as this little girl not knowing the etiquette of inviting herself to a family ritual, and your daughter thinking any request should be accepted because she's too young to know how to consider wider dynamics.

For fuck’s sake, the OP’s daughter sees other kids at school and has plenty (more than plenty) of playtime and “giggle time” (ugh) with this specific child. And TWO loving parents who are establishing family traditions.

Dredging up the spectre of the lonely waif is beyond ridiculous.

You call other people's children brats? Nice.