To say: Women, stop marrying down.

[MarriedUpMindset]

Too many women are marrying men with less ambition, less emotional intelligence, less income or less stability, and calling it “love” or “potential.” Then they carry the emotional labour, the life admin, the income gap, the household mental load and quietly burn out while trying to stay “grateful.”

I’m not saying you need a millionaire. I’m saying stop being the upgrade. Stop settling for men who see your strength and success as something to lean on, not rise to.

You don’t need to mother him, teach him how to communicate or drag him toward adulthood. If he’s not already moving through life with direction, respect and maturity, why are you tying yourself to that?

AIBU to think a lot of women’s relationship problems would disappear overnight if they just stopped marrying down?

I agree. All the women posting on here about how badly they are treated by their husbands but won’t take any responsibility for their poor choice of partner.

You may well be right but-just to say shiningly clever woman colleague married a man in a trade. Her parents said it wouldn't last. Married pair complement each other's interests and skills and have been together and mutually supportive for over 40 years.

Amen! Raise your standards.

I don't think there are enough men 'up the ladder' for all the women in the world to marry up 😂 Joking aside, in most marriages people bring different skills and attributes to the table.

Yes but some will have to accept that they may not get married!

We'll call me an old romantic but I happen to believe in a little thing called love. And it can conquer all.

TBH, given how much plumbers etc charge, marrying a tradesman might be marrying up!

But then men need to marry down!

Maybe we could just all treat each other like human beings and not rank each other so crassly?

I think some people will be uncomfortable with the language but the sentiment is correct. I think we should stop telling women not to be judgey about what men they're open to dating.

OP wasn't talking about money. She talks about character.

True!!

Totally agree. I married my equal. Similar education, values, work ethic. he earned way more than me then. I earn more than him now. We both share the load - from child rearing to housework. It's a happy marriage. I remember friends being SO curious as to who this man was that I was prepared to marry - they thought I'd never marry. I just had no desire to until i met a man who was obviously worthwhile.

I think the danger is - many women in their twenties get maternal but don't actually want children yet so they end up mummying a man-boy - doing stuff for him, thinking it's cute when he's a bit scatty or finding it attractive that he has such passionate hobbies. Five years down the line they are saddled with a man who thinks his wife should earn half the money, do all the housework and childcare while he enjoys his weekends cycling, surfing, watching the rugby with his manboy friends. Not saying these hobbies are issues in themselves but they shouldn't take precedence over family life and essential workload at the expense of a woman's health.

DH tried to be a selfish git a few times when we first met. I think women need to set high bars and boundaries. I said: do that again and you will never see me again. So he didn't.

I wouldn’t consider marrying a tradesman to be ‘marrying down’…

Or maybe it will make men realise they need to raise their game if they want a wife!

Marrying down isn’t about ranking human worth, it’s about alignment. If two people aren’t matching in effort, ambition, emotional maturity or stability, the imbalance causes problems later.

Totally agree. My DH tried not doing the washing up after I’d cooked for him. I’d gone away with work and came back to it still in the sink. I threw a few bits at him. He got the message.

… I’m not so ‘fiery’ now but don’t try and fuck me over, I won’t have it.

This! I never cease to be amazed by the poor treatment by husbands I read about on here. Have higher standards and don’t accept this for yourself.

(It’s not about money - I earn more in my 20+ year marriage - it’s about being a team and taking each other's needs and wants into consideration).

Women have been sold the Mr Darcy fantasy: that an emotionally stunted, mean spirited, resentful git will suddenly find the milk of human kindness because of the love of a good woman. She will unlock all the good in him, and he will spend the remainder of his days in devoted reverence. The reality is that she's saddled herself with Homer Simpson.

Soooo...SAHPs shouldn't be married. Not an equal match in your opinion?

It really can't. "Love" won't pay the bills, it won't help with the life admin, etc. Choosing a partner has to be a mix of "skills". It's very easy to "fall in love" with a "wrong-un", especially when you're too young to realise the practical side of adult relationships.

I don’t think anyone sets out to do this! It’s a bit simplistic and naive to think that cracks can’t appear at different stages in marriages….. a lot of marriages are fine before children come along for example. I agree women should have conversations before marriage to try and work out if the man has similar values and beliefs. But I don’t think you can cover off every eventuality.

Marry (or partnerup) with someone with ambition before you're totally solid in yourself and you end up being utterly taken advantage of though.

Men with ambition will trample on you to get where they want to go. Make all the pretty promises, then when you're burned out declare you boring and go with someone free, young and exciting.

Then you'd better hope that you weren't a complete pushover and you were sensible about making sure enough was in your name and you didn't totally neglect your career to boost his.

This is where I find myself. Sure, the kids and I have come out very well compared to so many - but he's 10x better off, from standing on my back through our relationship, and I'm frantically paddling to get myself back towards the track we had planned to be on together now that he's cut me lose having taken my labour for years.

This wasn’t my experience of ‘marrying up’.

This was 40plus years ago and her parents definitely did think that.

I do agree with you but then on the other hand women are berated for being single and not settling, so we can’t win.