To say: Women, stop marrying down.

[MarriedUpMindset]

Too many women are marrying men with less ambition, less emotional intelligence, less income or less stability, and calling it “love” or “potential.” Then they carry the emotional labour, the life admin, the income gap, the household mental load and quietly burn out while trying to stay “grateful.”

I’m not saying you need a millionaire. I’m saying stop being the upgrade. Stop settling for men who see your strength and success as something to lean on, not rise to.

You don’t need to mother him, teach him how to communicate or drag him toward adulthood. If he’s not already moving through life with direction, respect and maturity, why are you tying yourself to that?

AIBU to think a lot of women’s relationship problems would disappear overnight if they just stopped marrying down?

But being in a trade isn’t going down. It’s the work ethic, ambition etc that makes someone up or down

a self employed, driven tradesperson certainly isn’t a downgrade for anyone

Why am I a man?, are women all one collective brain who dont have an original thought in their head? Being an Infantile woman should not be a hobby

Women want to be considered intelligent capable grown ups so why dont they act like it

I will leave the classless drunk comment alone

Wow, this is the best post I’ve seen in a long time!

’Bad boy’ vibes are the biggest turn off me. I wish they had been when I was younger (I liked edgy rather than bad) but now I find kindness, thoughtfulness and just genuine niceness to be far better than edgy or bad.

But are you a man? You haven’t actually said one way or the other.

I'm not but people beleive what they want, I could identify as a tree it wouldn't matter teaching daughters there only worth is what a man can give them is not healthy, a man is not a plan

And if we need to tell women to think higher maybe they need to work on their self respect before dating

Women don't generally go into a marriage already knowing their partner is like that. Quite often, these men only start to show their true character later on - usually once the kids have arrived.

But you carry right on blaming women instead of blaming the men they married, who turn into arseholes or have an affair years down the line.

Women are not possessed with an innate crystal ball.

I reject this argument. In my lifetime observation, the signs are always there. But some people get so focused on babies, marriage or whatever goal that they will snatch up any specimen, no matter how flawed, if they feel the clock is ticking. Then they claim they were blindsided.

As I said, ask their family and friends. Usually the red flags were flying.

It's not "blaming women" to suggest that discernment and prudence in choice of partner is likely to lead to better, less disappointing and less toxic outcomes.

Women are not to blame for how men behave, but they are if they ignore the red flags, women dont need a crystal ball just to open their eyes, how much thought goes into the relationship before ttc or is just hope for the best?

Especially if a man has history

Right. How many posts right here on MN have we seen along the lines of "My 'partner' of six months has a 2-year-old by a prior relationship along with a six-year-old by his ex. He hasn't worked in two years and might be a bit lazy around the house, and smokes a bit of weed, but he is an amazing dad on the two days per month he sees his children. We are planning a wedding for next summer but I recently fell pregnant. He kicked off and wants me to terminate but I won't do it. I am not sure how we are going to afford rent and childcare, as I am a low earner and he has not been seeking jobs. Am I BU?"

Hopefully most mothers are not teaching their daughters that, but of course you must teach by example. If your kids see you putting up with shitty behaviour then you are letting them down. I have sons and I have taught them to behave well and be respectful.

I absolutely agree. The views, as stated previously, are not my own.

But i really love him, and everyone is just jealous

I do agree but I think it is important for both sexes how to behave and treat each other, i am not saying you dont think this but it works both ways

And both to lead by example

Absolutely.
Again, speaking for myself.
Would add, put yourselves first in life, nobody else is going to do it for you!

Ive gone too far the other way. Very easily put off by small stuff

On average 50% of women must marry down by this logic, but equally 50% of them must marry up. Should the same apply for men in that situation? Maybe there are very narrow bands of matching income, intelligence or ambition that people should be permitted to marry in.

I fully agree with this.
My own 'married down' experience was about marrying a lazy and undeserving man, who was financially and emotionally abusive (fortunately never violent though).
He came from a background of wealth and parents who were considered to have 'good standing' within their communities etc.
Many people probably assumed I had married 'up', but I didn't. I inadvertently married a man-baby with a bad attitude, and no desire to contribute to our relationship in any way that didn't involve taking from me. It was definitely marrying down.

100% this ^^ men have for years ( centuries) married down because they meet a woman that they actually like and want to be with, irrespective of their earning potential.

I must remember to tell my son not to marry the woman the actually likes , but one who has a solid financial future

It’s a story as old as time. Woman meets an early-stage scrote, has a baby with him, then he turns into a full-blown scrote.

This thread is not about earning potential. It’s about maturity, responsibility, work ethic, empathy.

You sound lovely...

Datenomics and desperation to settle down. Not enough eligible men, bio clock is ticking , pushed to take anyone more or less willing.

You don’t have to marry up, you can marry an equal. Op didn’t say marry up, she just said stop marrying down. Its about attitude and behaviour, not money.

So instead of 50% up/50% down you could also have 100% equal (but that would require more men to behave better).

Depends on the woman. Most of us aren't even being honest about what we look like. Fake tits, botox, fake up, fake tan, fake nails . . .

And we're not all that interesting either. We're just ordinary people.