To say: Women, stop marrying down.

[MarriedUpMindset]

Too many women are marrying men with less ambition, less emotional intelligence, less income or less stability, and calling it “love” or “potential.” Then they carry the emotional labour, the life admin, the income gap, the household mental load and quietly burn out while trying to stay “grateful.”

I’m not saying you need a millionaire. I’m saying stop being the upgrade. Stop settling for men who see your strength and success as something to lean on, not rise to.

You don’t need to mother him, teach him how to communicate or drag him toward adulthood. If he’s not already moving through life with direction, respect and maturity, why are you tying yourself to that?

AIBU to think a lot of women’s relationship problems would disappear overnight if they just stopped marrying down?

@From the OP

less income or less stability

so yes is absolutely about money and future success

Your nonchalant attitude is typical of every mother I’ve encountered of useless adult sons.
They almost think it’s cute (😅) and make light of it, it becomes an ongoing joke. They’re also adamant they’ve tried to chivvy them but it’s blatantly obvious to everyone around them that they didn’t try hard enough, or left it too late in life.
So they either baby them into adult life or wait for a ‘nice girl’ to take the responsibility.

Don’t expect a responsible woman who’s a nice person to take on the burden of your useless offsprings. Please encourage them to be single.

Do you know what, I don’t really care. I have a lovely strong marriage with an equal partner. Yes 25 years ago I may have been fiery tempered, but I tell you what, if he’d have kicked me into touch, I’d have learned my lesson (which I did anyway). I’d rather be single than with the men I read about on here. Women need to stick up for themselves and not be so passive in the face of poor behaviour. My DH was golden child and a father that was quite domineering, he needed to get a quick message that women weren’t all like his own mother. Fortunately he’s also a smart guy and got with the program pretty quick. You may not like my methods, but it worked.

I trust you are in an equal and strong relationship, perhaps your DH/Partner didn’t need a new perspective and was raised in an equal and balanced home? Not everyone is as lucky!

I assumed she meant cocklodging, lazy deadbeats.

Nail on the head.

Same here. "Bad boys" are fine when you're a naive teenager messing around for fun, but really not for an adult long term relationship.

I know quite a few women who have married “down” ie for a husband who earns less (an accountant, doctor, dentist, Project manager), and all of them seem to have very happy marriages. The men pull their weight at home and the women have the freedom to have a say at home.

Exactly this. Particularly when kids come along I suspect in many couples the woman raises her game and the man doesn't. The disparity was not evident initially but grows over time as responsibilities accumulate.

Excellent answer. Too many men just want a mum-replacement.

Totally. I have no tolerance for them anymore.

My ex is a top earner, top job, in demand professionally etc, I am minimum wage, typical low paid traditional ‘women’s’ office jobs, never professionally ambitious, but he turned out to be a downgrade for me. I wish I’d chosen a nice milkman or postman instead. Good job, ambition, going places - they don’t mean you’re going to be a good choice. Character is what really matters and that should determine if you have down or upgraded.

“Most” of us? Speak for yourself. I have none of the fake things on your list (other than a bit of fake tan on my legs at the beginning of summer to stop people being blinded by the pasty white). Same goes for most women I know.

That was my immediate thought too!

I don’t know that the “up” and “down” stuff is the right way to describe it but I agree with the notion that you shouldn’t have to parent your partner. Marry a grown up.

I was going to say - that's absolutely not the norm among my friends...

EDIT - I meant to the OP, not to your response soap!

And yes, most of us are ordinary people - just like most blokes (who, you'll be surprised to hear, don't naturally have hairless faces and short hair! They apply products and effort to make themselves look more attractive - who'd have thought people would do that!)

Yes and same for men too. Stop marrying gold diggers and women after a free meal tickets.

Both sexes can do better.