To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

When you give up work are you intending to keep the nanny?

Surely his choice is to be around more to take some of the burden around parenting, or to support you to take on 'his share' of the parenting burden. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Honestly, if the only thing he wants to contribute is money, then what's the point in staying married?
You are so not being reasonable. Is this what he told you he would be like as a parent? I doubt it...

I don’t want to give up work full time. I just need to space to find a suitable role. Yeah nanny is gone, I’ll do pick ups and drop offs and look after my kids.

Oh look another man who simply works because all the other stuff is either too much for him or beneath him (or both) who keeps all the money for himself and expects his wife to earn whilst doing all the grunt work

leave him

Once you have done the work of completing the first application /cv any additional ones you need to do are a lot easier.

I think your situation sounds difficult and I wouldn’t want to work long hours with such young kids. But it really doesn’t seem necessary to leave work for the purpose of applying for a new job. I think you are just overwhelmed, which is understandable.

This sounds unsustainable OP. You are going to have a breakdown. How are you financially??
I think you need a couple of months hiatus. Can you give him a date eg I will have a new role by April.

At the moment you are doing way more than 50% of the work in your marriage. Either he finds a way to step up, you both outsource more or you cut down on the work you're doing. The present situation sounds super stressful for you.

Does he work weekends? If not, I'd be waking him up early on the weekends and presenting him with a long list of chores to balance out all the running around you do during the week.

5 stage interviews and prep and some on site too. It’s not just about the first application. It’s about having the time and actual headspace do prepare and do it properly.

Yeah, as a medic I feel compelled to point out that your husband doesn’t “have to” do these hours. He is choosing to

How many sessions is he actually job planned for? How much on call does he do? It does vary between areas, but a standard job planned is 9-5 M-F with some element of on call/out of hours work but depending on how many others in the department it’s often only once a week and every 6th weekend or so. He will also have a registrar or 2 under him doing most of the urgent stuff so may not even need to be resident

Obviously I can’t comment on your husbands exact role, but there are a lot of male medics who seem to play this card

He doesn’t work weekends but always has a lie in because his body is tired.

he always tells me all the things he’s paying for and that if I don’t work he can’t give me much money and he’s already paying so much for everything.

he does pay a lot of stuff of course, like mortgage etc. but I pay as much as I can too. Like my son’s nursery for example. And most of the food we eat, household stuff.

YANBU. Those poor kids , it’s good you’ve recognised this and are taking steps to address.

Op the part about “he needs to support me” really stood out for me. You both work full time and on top of that you are responsible for everything related with children, he is clearly not short of money and yet it sounds like his money is his money and your money is your money but you are married?? I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation

@Spicytunasarniewell yeah that makes me sad. That I would even need to ask for money.

Hmmm I’m not sure I necessarily agree that after you’ve done the first application you’ve done most of the work. I work in sectors that expect reasonably detailed supporting letters or applications that have to be tailored to specific role requirements, and that’s not even taking into account prep needed for interviews. On that basis I would agree that looking for a new job is pretty time consuming and mentally taxing, and I can understand you feeling like you can’t easily fit it in around your existing work and home commitments.
It sounds like you’re at breaking point and something needs to give. If your husband won’t step up and provide cover on the home front to reduce your stress/responsibilities while you job hunt, then temporarily taking a break isn’t unreasonable.

Im saying this kindly, but can you not just say - this is unsustainable and Im opting out and staying home for a while?

I had a breakdown in my 30's. I was lucky I was on full pay for 6 months and then did a staggered return over the next 6 months so we weren't affected by a drop in income. However the return to work didnt work out and I resigned.

And DH never said a word, I stayed out of work for over a year, then found myself part time casual work , working when I felt I could cope

Obviously that affected our lives, our spending power, where we are now coming to retirement - but there was no way I couldn't say - I cant do this

It’s really hard to find a job when you are unemployed. What will you tell them? You resigned due to stress? How is that going to work to get the better, more flexible job?

I hear you are at the end of your rope, but I don’t think resigning and being out of work for a few months while looking for the perfect job is realistic.

You would be better off calling in sick for 2 days to get your CV done and apply for jobs. After that, it’s 1-2hrs at most a day to apply for anything new that comes up. Use holidays to go to interviews. You really can’t quit a job and have the expectation to walk into a dream job a few months later.

And if you can’t find this dream job? What is your Plan B? Have you thought of talking to your current employer about moving laterally into a role with fewer hours and less stress?

Have you talked to your husband about him cutting back on hours?

It seems he has a great fear of there not being enough money. Have you two tried talking to a financial advisor? Could you adjust your family lifestyle so he doesn’t need to work so much? And ditto for you?

Why did he have kids??

He needs to step up and do his 50%.

Or support you while you find much more flexible work.

My DH works inflexible long -ish hours. I WFH 4 days per week. One child. Feels manageable most of the time with occasional stress eg during busy work periods

You need a re-jig

Why are you not financially benefiting from his long hours? Why do you need to ask for his financial support? Yes, one partner not working should be a mutual decision, but that is different than needing to ask for literal money.

DSIS is a successful surgeon. Still manages time for the children. Funny how women can make it work in that situation but so many men use it as an excuse and pile childcare/home responsibilities onto their wife. He needs to step up.

I'd divorce him. Take 50% which is rightfully yours

Really frustrating reading this thread. You need to stop acting like the poor relation in this so called marriage. He's having his cake and eating it. He needs to step up and do his 50%. If he can't then he needs to, as a minimum, contribute more financially.

You're almost acting like your grateful you married a surgeon, even though he's taking you for granted.

Suggest apply for jobs while you are still in a job.

Take annual leave if you need to go for an interview

Get a job more locally

He needs to either do 50/50 with you on everything or pay to outsource what represents his half eg a cleaner, ironing, more hours for the nanny, pay for shopping deliveries, takeaways or meals out etc

You are not his PA, housekeeper etc and you're not a single parent either although at this point you might as well be.

If you unpick this, he is refusing to take responsibility for the happiness of the family UNIT. He says you are responsible for the children and bringing in a proportion of the household income. You counter by saying that present situation is making you and the children extremely unhappy

He is essentially saying he doesn't care that you are unhappy, the money is all that matters

If it is merely the principle of you working full time then his position is even crazier.

Sharing responsibility in a marriage as parents is not just about who brings in what ,it's how you make each other feel and how the children feel

And he is making you miserable by his inflexible insistence. The family unit is suffering. It's so straightforward really that you have to make a change, with his support.

Maybe it won't work out immediately maybe you will lose a lot of money for two years but in the long term this is your happiness your relationship your LIFE together that is at stake

Your plan is a good one to stop work and look at a whole variety of alternative lives with him or without him but change yes

Stop work and find different work. Plenty of people do it. My husband went from being employed to self employed so that he could be more flexible with family life and I was a SAHM!!!! But I was drowning and our life was very stressful with a SEN child so I needed him to change his working day; in the end he made the same amount of money or more than before but that wasn't the point...our family was the point my mental health our child's welfare his input in the family was the point