To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

You earn £150k but will say you aren’t working - surely they will work this out from p45

he earns £300+

so between you both you earn £450+ and he saves £150k a year

I’m wow

How come he gets to say he can’t do all of this stuff and you have to and yet still wants you to give money to him

HIS investments.
YOUR chronic ill health.
You'd be better off divorced, at least that way he'd have to pay towards feeding his kids.

The investments are for OUR future apparently..

He needs to reduce his sessions. I have been a hospital consultant for over 30 years now and have been an equal parent to my husband. This isn’t about supporting you, this is about creating a family dynamic that works.

I knew a couple that was like you and split their finances like you. They have finally split up and the wife feels free for the first time in years.

There will be no "our future" if he doesn't start focusing on the present reality more and supporting your and the kids.

His words and his actions don't line up. You need him to invest in your health now and he's more interested in building his pot of gold. Reminds me of Gollum. 'My precioussssss'.

whilst he’s investing, he’s not invested in family life in the present. sounds like complete avoidance.

OP there are a lot of people on this thread keen to make you more vulnerable by going part time or stoping work.

Please don’t do this. By all means jack the shit job in and find something better but please don’t give up on your career. If it goes tits up with DH you need to run your own home, bills, mortgage etc and whilst a split of assets is fine in terms of capital maybe you still need to run a home.

I find the relationship dynamics being taught to your children very negative. Woman doing it all.

As a lone parent of many years with a heavy career I can tell you doing it all is possible. It is definitely easier alone than with a crappy partner though.

That's what he SAYS.
But you can't see them, or access them. Do you know if they are in your joint names? (And by that I don't mean that he told they are, or that you saw a statement 5 years ago).

Pensions can’t be in joint names. At some point you either trust they are saving for two or you start your own pension. OP earns £150k. She has plenty of funds to save for her retirement.

OP I'm sorry for your situation this sounds awful.

Is there any happiness/longevity to this relationship? Your DH says it's all about building for the future but it doesn't sound like there is much of a 'present' let alone future if the relationship is centred around you making endless sacrifices on your career, time, health, fulfilment (I could go on..!) in order to support his career. As everyone has already said, the state of your 'present' really doesn't bode well.

In my humble opinion, it sounds like financial abuse. He sounds like another misogynistic arsehole who has misunderstood the meaning of family and what it requires from him. If his contribution is only financial I'd be out. You sound like you're on a great career trajectory, with great earning power. If you split, he clearly won't be asking for 50/50 so you would benefit from his help paying for childcare etc too.

If I was you I'd make use of the government parental leave scheme (think it's 18 weeks per child) and take a block of 4 - 8 weeks to sort my head out, whilst being able to provide childcare without relying on the nanny. The way you are going is not sustainable for you or your children and you sound like you're on the edge. Yes you wont get paid for this but in the grand scheme of things I think some time to refocus priorities would be priceless right now.

I really hope you can see that you are ABSOLUTELY NOT BU.