To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

Oh yes, I'm not a medic, but I work at a senior level in a corporate job in a sector where upper management is mostly male. Somehow I manage to do the same job as them to at least the same level, AND manage to pull my weight at home. So many men weaponise their Very Big and Very Important jobs and claim they have to work late, go to this conference and that and so on.

So he gets the good salary, the career opportunities, the ability to work whatever hours suit him, childcare provided, benefits of wife and family life, future financial security, current financial advantage.

What do you get?

Quite frankly, OP, he is a twat who is exploiting you.

The vast majority of candidates you'll be up against will be in full time work too though and they manage. You instantly raise a red flag to an employer if you leave without a job to go to. You'd be much better staying where you are and looking whilst you're in a job.

Hang on a minute. How are your finances split? Are you expected to pay for everything related to your children? Meanwhile he merrily squirrels away as much as he likes?

I thought this too!

Leave. He doesn’t listen and doesn’t care. Classic surgeon god complex.

He can’t have it all ways op!

He can work long hours and provide enough money to support you to work reasonable hours and look after the dc and provide for a nanny and cleaner. (He still needs to do his bit with the kids.)

Or he can cut down on his own hours and look after the dc more himself allowing you to earn more,

Has he refused to support you while you look for a new role?

Why is he the one that dictates how much you save and whether you can take a few months off or not?

I’m sorry op but once you have children the money has to go in to one pot. Did you have any choice at all in how your family finances were set up?

You need to lay it out on the line with him and say your current lifestyle is not sustainable and that his behaviour is harming the mental wellbeing of you and the dc.

Tbh he is not fulfilling his marriage vows if this is how he behaves! He’s broken the contract. He sounds so tight and lacking in kindness or responsibility. He should have noticed that you are struggling and be trying to help you come to a joint solution; you shouldn’t have to be asking him because you have finally reached desperation point! He simply can’t carry on acting like a single man once he has had children. It’s a deeply unattractive way to behave.

I am not one to say ltb op but there is something really off about a husband and father who behaves like this and as a surgeon, he is presumably both intelligent and competent, so this isn’t ignorance at play but an ingrained selfish mindset. What the hell is he saving for if not for his family?

I think I would be gathering pay slips, mortgage and insurance details, bank account and savings information and going to see a lawyer. I’m sorry.

Alternatively you could try embarrassing him by turning up at his parents house and asking them to support you while you change roles! I doubt that will work though bc they haven’t exactly raised a man who is family minded,

Get angry op! Of course you are not being unreasonable! Why ever would you think such a thing? Time to get assertive.

This is an unequal situation- he gets to fulfil his career and step back from his family while you impact yours even though your working very long hours.

I’d give an ultimatum:

• Shared accounts and mutual access to funds
• He goes part time and does half the week drop offs/collections - 6.30 or 7pm should be the latest the nanny is working
• or
• He supports you as you drop your days to part-time to account for his crazy schedule.

It might also be good to get his mum onside!

Surgeons, obstetricians and pilots seem to be the occupations that have the least flexibility in their roles but it can be done if needed.

What’s your job? I know you didn’t want to be specific, but I’m trying to think of a high stress full time job with long hours which only pays a quarter what a surgeon earns? You should leave your job on the basis that it’s pitifully paid, never mind anything else.

You’re absolutely right to look to leave your job - regardless of your arsehole DH it’s too far and too stressful with kids that age - the income isn’t worth all that and you and kids time is far more important.
Your current situation isn’t sustainable- you’re stressed out and miserable, the kids are miserable and resentment is growing in your marriage.
if you don’t have an honest conversation and DH doesn’t realise the seriousness of the situation, this will end in a break up. I held it together for years through this type of crap and tried to get XH to see the stress we were all living in but he’s only realised it since we broke up - now I’m free and happy, he’s miserable and ironically lost interest in the job that broke us and the kids are fine (much older than yours though). It could’ve been avoided though if he’d realised at this stage that he has to pull his weight in the family, not just play the salary card and expect that to trump everything. He needs to be a husband and father and support you to be a mother and have your own job that contributes and fulfills you.

It sounds like both you and your kids are miserable. There’s a reason so many parents work part time. Do you really want a nanny raising them?

I ask, as I’ve gone from a high stress long hours ft to pt role. Both my children and I are much happier, and my partner too, even though there’s less considerably less money coming in. It feels more manageable for everyone.

The job market is dire. You’re better off being taking annual leave to sort your cvs or written off for stress by your GP if you’re starting to feel burnt out. Even finding a PT temp role in the interim if possible.

Lone parent here. I had a live in nanny for ten years. Nanny’s don’t raise your DC they just do the logistics so try and stop the mum guilt. It’s totally pointless.

Yes your DH is deciding to work long hours but if this won’t change anytime soon you need to find a job that is perhaps a little less stressful or negotiate at work about current role.

I will be honest, there are many of us lone parents out here doing everything and we are probably less stressed out then all these women with effing useless husbands.

Don’t want to say. But he makes around 300 plus, whereas I make 150 ish. I used to make more and he complains that I haven’t been able to get back up there. We used to split everything 50-50 and he says now he ‘ has to pay for everything anyway.

With the job market how it is I would ask:

• current role and chance of flex hours / dropping days / wfh more
• could you prep you CV and see if you get any interest
• what if it takes you over a year to find a new job, would you be happy with this?

I have already started the process, but it’s slow and it’s hard to find the time to actually do it at the moment.

I am fine with it taking time. I’ll take my little one out of nursery / reduce the days etc. I will do pick ups myself and also not use after school club and stuff like that.

but my husband says he’s ‘ already paying for everything ‘ and feels like it’s a lot on him, because he’ll need to pay for even more stuff. Like I said, he puts more than half of his salary away into savings and investments, which is a wise choice of course. But I suppose he could put a little bit less away for a few months.

Work is not that flexible unfortunately.

I think yabu to leave your job without anything to go to. Start looking now and work. It’s easier to get a job whilst you’re rmploy d and you’ve no idea how long it will be. Explaining a gap in employment just ‘because of life’ won’t look good in a cv

The job market is a nightmare right now so I can understand why he's nervous about losing an income but his attitude towards his/your money sounds bloody grim in a marriage. You're meant to be a team but he seems to see you as an opportunity to bolster 'his' savings. Surely they're family savings you should both have equal access to?

I think your job problem is husband related, but as someone who has had a mental breakdown, I would urge you to get signed off now, while it’s still manageable. Mine was about 7 years ago and it has had a long lasting impact on my resilience to stress and pressure, I may never be back up there again.

Once you relieve the pressure, you can address the husband problem.

And if you split I bet he will emphasize how much her is paid for the house, to try to get a lions share. Whereas you have paid for something that is been and gone like childcare. Hope your name is everywhere his is on mortgage etc and the mortgage is coming directly out of a joint account.

This is a detail I was looking not to add, actually.

BUT I think it’s relevant when people keep saying this.

this is a new job I’m in. As I lost mine a few months ago ( to redundancy). I got a bit of a pay off and was able to still pay the same things I was paying while working. So the redundancy didn’t mean my husband had to ‘ pay for me ‘ whilst I was looking. I found a new job and took it, but it’s just not as promised at all. They literally lied about office hours and how often I needed to come in. It’s open ended on the contract, so they can do that. I just didn’t expect them to. The last job was the same but kept with the agreement made. Even though it wasn’t explicitly in the contract.

anyway, so when I’m interviewing now, I’m saying I’m not in a job anyway- so they don’t ask questions as to why I already want to leave if that makes sense ? The last few years have been a bit shakey and I don’t need another short stint on my CV. I have reasons why I’ve had short stints by the way, for example a contract role- or a company going bust. But yeah, I don’t want to add to it all. So I’m officially not in work anyway when I’m interviewing.

I have been in work for a couple of months.

Sounds like there is an element of financial abuse here.

I’d be inclined to look for a job that happens on his lie day. Or over the weekend. That’d learn him.

He’s not paying for you though, he’s paying for the life he’s chosen which includes a wife and children. If you both work demanding hours who does he think will care for the kids and the house? In my experience there’s only enough room for one “big job” when you have small children and if that’s his job that’s what pays to keep the lights on. Or you both reduce hours and use the time to do the things that need to be done. I don’t imagine this is what you anticipated when you planned a life together, because it doesn’t sound like you are together tbh.

Yea I just don’t know if it’s that ? Or is it that he just doesn’t want to rock the financial boat and already feels over stretched by how much he pays out already.

he’s used to 50-50 but I haven’t been able to keep up with that for a while.

it just sucks that looking after kids and a house just doesn’t count and he still gets to say ‘ I pay this, I pay that ‘. Rather than saying ‘ we pay this, we pay that ‘.

if I hadn’t been there to pick up the childcare and home responsibilities he’d not be able to work the hours he does anyway.

my last jobs were flexible. So I was able to make it work.

I agree about the “one big job” thing. Many will disagree, but it’s a very tough road with young DC if both people have full-time high-powered jobs.