To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

I think the point is that it’s not OP doing it, it’s her husband insisting on it.

He’s been a surgeon longer than you’ve had kids what was the original plan to facilitate having kids

I would resign today. Why oh why are you putting yourself and your kids through this when you do not need to?!

He saves more than half his earnings. Are these joint savings? Do you have separate finances?

He really does sound awful. So many good posts on there. Do you have a very expensive lifestyle/mortgage? I just can’t fathom how on your salaries he’s moaning about bills!!

A few things:

-if you are feeling overwhelmed it’s ok to get signed off for a bit.

-he is being a dick. My DH and I earn similar to you and your DH and we do the in one pot with a bit of personal fun money each. We both make full on senior jobs work by both pulling our weight at home, it’s not just my responsibility because I’m a woman.

-does he have trauma about money-growing up in poverty etc?

-do you love him? From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

Something or

Someone has to give 🤷‍♀️

It’s because he’s trying to put so much away in his investments.

As others have said he can't have it both ways. At the moment:

• he has decided he wants to work crazy hours to build up savings, so
• he has effectively decided that you're doing all his share of childcare and home chores too.
• He has also decided how you'll share and split your finances.

Lastly, he has decided that he will withhold family money (since you're married it should be joint) so that he can continue to save a shitload of money every month rather than support your mental and physical health and children's happiness. He has decided that his savings are more important to him than the risk of you burning out.

The throwing in your face that you don't earn more, when you're earning in the top tax bracket, and actually can't earn more because of him checking out of his family responsibilities is actually really mean and unfair. All money should be family money if you're both working hard and financial decisions should be joint.

I think you need a proper sit down talk about all of this and his lack of support in general, not just in relation to this. And work out if you want to stay married to someone who doesn't actually seem to care

So he wants you to pay 5050 but do all the childcare so he can work all the hours and keep way more money to himself.

Fuck that.

And fuck your lying employer.

Hand your notice in because it will fuck them as much as it will fuck you to be out of work and they have been lying little toe rags about expectations of the role.

Literally just do it. Your husband seems to think he's in charge by doing what he wants so you don't need his consent.

He is so selfishly about himself and so unsupportive. Like, men with both half or double his salary don't treat their wives like that.

You're his wife, you've birthed his children and he's acting like you're a fucking goldigging childcare appliance.

I feel you are using his words to justify his behaviour. He is building a passive income stream. He is putting money into investments. He is very busy and needs rest. He is very important. You’re parroting his certainty without questioning it much.

The truth is, he’s boosting his life style on the back of your labour. He is buying fancy toys because you are doing his share of the work. He is keeping money away from you, complaining that you aren’t earning enough, and expecting you and the dc to suffer to fulfil his plan.

Take a look at that joint account. Make sure you fully understand what’s happening financially, at least in the area you can see. Stop trusting him to be doing the right thing.

Start expecting to be a full partner, with full shared input into family decisions. Stop deferring to this man. He is maintaining his own lifestyle at your expense- financially and in terms of household responsibilities.

Given your income, I’m surprised you are struggling to pay 50% of the household costs. Make sure you agree with those costs and decisions, and make sure they are what you expect. Don’t fall for paying the full cost of childcare out of your earnings, for example.

The truth is, it suits him for you to be compliant and on your knees, too busy to spit.

Ah I just totally broke down in tears at work because I got bad feedback and just couldn’t take it. All too much at the moment.

Remind him that you are 'paying'.... paying with with your career and your health and peace of mind and your childrens happiness... for him grow his career and to have his family raised and allowing him to squirrel money away!

Selfish misogynistic and very short sighted on his part!

Go sick. Take some time. Recover your equilibrium and work out what to do.

Honestly you are feeling like this for his benefit. He’s choosing to make you stay in this situation. For him. Think about that.

Work out what you want life to look like. And work towards making that happen.

For me, divorce looks like the quickest way to even the playing field, but I may be being unreasonable!

When you develop a chronic health condition, when your marriage breaks down, remember he will say he had no idea there was a problem. That if it was all too much, you should have said something. That he did everything he could…

I have one already .

He is a selfish prick. Your children should come first. You having a less full on job and time with your kids sounds very sensible. Money isn't everything.

YANBU. Think it’s perfectly reasonable given your husband’s salary, to support you temporarily while you secure a new role. X

Threads like be these depressing the hell out of me.
You should be a team, with shared goals that make things better for both of you by being together.
First: finances.... You need a spreadsheet All wages/income in. All bills commitments out including budgeted childcare holidays etc (you need to agree levels of savings investments as part of this commitment line). All left over monies (uncommitted/fun money) split equally so that you both get the same standard of living because I'll repeat ... You are a team.
Second: Equal distribution of domestic load. You both only have so many hours in the week and have certain tasks and commitments. They need divying up fairly first. If he chooses to spend some of his remaining him time/leisure time doing extra hours then he can (but how dad for his kids and you that b he'd rather do that). And funny be fooled he is choosing those long hours. He's essentially avoidant and using it to remain distant and emotionally disconnected.....
You may need to see a good (recommended) couples therapist to get to work this through and improve your communication and problem solving.
If nothing shifts I would seriously consider leaving.....

Well he’s twice the bastard then.

Have you really talked through what you both want from life? Where is life now? What can change? What can't change? What lifestyle do you want and what lifestyle would you really struggle without? It sounds like he's thinking you're expecting to be able to work less hours or in a less well paid job, but do everything else in life just like you do now? It sounds like he's maybe thinking that you are expecting to be a housewife just doing everything you do now minus work? If he's a surgeon which is a very responsible job and very tiring, maybe he just can't face doing more hours or anything. Maybe though actually YOU think you could save enough by making other changes e.g. not using childcare.

If he’s struggling to manage his outgoings on a 300k salary then it’s him that’s the idiot

End of the day, hes your husband

You exchanged vowels along the lines of "in sickness and in health , through richer and poorer "

Those vowels are a legal obligation

Step up and say this isnt working for you

Hes a thieving creep, stealing your time, your energy, and your children's childhoods. Id be making an appointment with the nastiest divorce lawyer I could find and nailing him to the wall. On £300k his maintenance payments will be significant. And you get at least half of everything, and you can retrain in something you actually enjoy, and you get every other weekend to yourself while he cocks up parenting all on his own. Bliss.