To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

However, it should go without saying though that it can be either person who has the high-powered job.

Yup, twat.

Tell him he can pay for stuff or do 50/50 on chores/childcare, but he can't have it both ways.

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier if you ditched him? You might be worse off financially, but you would get some pretty chunky CM payments.

Jesus christ -
You can afford to take a break and retrain.
I am earning in the 150-200k band and the interviews and prep ARE gruelling (as you said 5 interviews and panel presentation etc)
I ignored my health condition and have had 3 surgeries within 12 month as a result... good job me...

Given he is a surgeon and will always think his job is the big thing... i'd be inclined to go down the "one big job" road.

• *is it that he just doesn’t want to rock the financial boat and already feels over stretched by how much he pays out already

He saves 50% of his salary he isnt stretched and you shouldnt be paying 50/50 thst isnt right.
Dropping the nanny would save thousands pm.

he cant eat his cake and have it...

whats he going to do when you get burn out develop gall stones / a heart condition / whatever....
I'd want an discussuion and overhaul and i'd do thid via marriage counselling if needed to agree a way forward.
You have all the ingredients for a good life... there is no need for you to be in this situation.

Also suggest "Fair play" cards - google it

You're a professional earning £150k and lying about your job?! Wow. You're pissed off because your company 'lied' to you but are quite happy to lie to future employers. I'd expect this kind of behaviour from someone fresh out of school not someone at your level. How embarrassing for you.

There should be no “I pay for this I pay for that” in a healthy relationship. This is not healthy, DH and I have always stuck stuff in one pot, we have been able to contribute more or less at different points and it’s never a problem. If he wants 50:50 then he can do 50:50 with the kids and housework too.

I don’t think you can reason with a man like this. For there to be change he actually has to give a shit about you.

If this is a new job, you’re reasonably senior, and they agreed fewer office days in interview plus you’re planning on leaving so not worried about reputation etc, I would start by putting your foot down about days in the office.

Diary your office days based on the original discussion. If a crucial in-person meeting comes up on your wfh day, email the person chairing saying that you’ll need to dial in. If a non crucial meeting comes up send one of your team to represent you. If your manager raises it be vague and say you’re trying to sort it but that you took the job on the basis of x number of days in the office and you’re struggling logistically to do more than that but trying to fix it. Don’t say no but also don’t do more than agreed.

If you’re competent and doing a good job they won’t sack you over office days - recruitment at that level is really expensive!

I think that you need to decide about quitting first yourself and ignore your husband unless he’s offering to step up for kids/house/cover etc. But, for your own career etc I don’t think it’s ideal - being out of work pushes you to accept offers even if they aren’t great and you don’t want to jump from this role to another one which is similar.

Can you block a couple of weekend days between now and Christmas to go and sit in a cafe to work on applications etc? And take a few days holiday? Hopefully you’ll be somewhere new by summer so there isn’t the same pressure to save holiday days although you’ll need to pay them back if you leave after using more than your allowance.

He sounds horrid. Doesn’t value your care with the house and children.

He sounds horrid. Doesn’t value your care with the house and children.

@stok why are finances 50/50 though but nothing else? Why does he get to say he is tired due to working and rest when you don’t but still demand that you pay 50/50.

why does his financial input mean he gets to drop out of everything else yet still demand you pay because his financial input is so amazing even though I suspect he does nothing else

you are burnt out from working you are burnt out from working and taking on everything else

as. I always say on these threads 50/50 is fine if everything is 50/50 childcare/chores/admin and that is the only way to have 2 working full time and things outsourced

or you go down a different route and that one doesn’t involve 50/50 finances and involves sharing money and having all the burdens shared so no one burns out

He sounds lsike a complete twat.

Perhaps tell him that if he's so worried about you not meeting 50% of bills, you'll happikly increase your earnings if he takes on 50% of the home and childcare stuff.

I sometimes really really hate men.

OP he sounds absolutely horrible. Going on and you for not paying 50/50 for everything while leaving all parenting to you so that you’re cracking under the strain. Do you go on at him for not going 50/50 (or any) of the parenting?

I am so sad for you that he is so unpleasant and selfish. I’m not sure what you can do because the problem isn’t just about practicalities, it’s that you’re unfortunately married to an arsehole.

I haven’t been able to pay 50 percent of everything for a while. He just kind of throws if in my face, that’s how it feels anyway.

he says ‘ I’m paying for everything anyway ‘ and then he says ‘ if you don’t work, you won’t have much money cos I can’t give you much ‘.

I get it of course on one hand. We have a certain lifestyle and bills to pay. If I can’t contribute to that for a while, there is more of a strain on him.

but just feels horrible and I feel stuck in this job. I’ve just made my peace with it today. What can I do ? I need the money. The best I can hope is that work let me leave an hour early and stick to the 3 days a week arrangement. I have pulled them up on that and they’re looking at what they can do. I can’t leave my job. I need the money. I don’t want to have to ask him for money. I don’t know how long it will take to get another job. I’ll just have to do it while I’m working.

best case is that my current employer becomes more flexible.

You poor thing you sound so beaten down and resigned....

He sounds fucking horrible.
How much equity is there in the house?

I would really be looking at "options"
In the meantime i'd throw "his money" at some problems
Eg. "Cook" meals for you and kids.
Pick up drop off laundry

oh @stok he really has worn you down hasn’t he and done a number on you

because why doesn’t he help you why doesn’t he see you as an equal partnership and why do you need that lifestyle

I can’t see why you stay with because this is abusive you have lost your voice in all of this

Tell him this and then ask him to list what he thinks your life is like. I bet he will only be able to say 'I pay for stuff'. If this were me I'd be planning a split, I don't think he considers you at all, you are there to just facilitate his earning power.

My point is that he expects you to pay more, and is resentful that he pays more, but he isn't exactly stepping up in other ways.

Quite frankly, e sounds like a complete dick. I'm sorry, but he does.

Stay home to look out for the children and prepare well for a sustainable job that is nearer to home.
It might be a part time job.
Once you are working again ask your DH to participate more in family tasks and child care.
Both you and your husband can afford to do what your very young children would prefer. Prioritise their happiness and well being until the youngest is six. The time will fly.

He can’t step up in other ways because of his hours and he wants to maximise his earnings That’s why we have the nanny, cleaner.

I think it’s true that only one person can have a really big job. We can’t both do it. Someone needs to be around for the kids and needs the more flexible job. That’s what mine has been like the last few years.

now it’s changed and not sustainable.

Op, i want to give you a big hug. In your shoes I’d say ‘dh, you’re a selfish stingy excuse for a partner. I’m headed for a breakdown and you have been zero fucking support. Less than zero. I’m contemplating divorce. I’m going to leave for the weekend, be back Monday sometime, definitely not before you’d leave for work, and you can get to know your kids and looking after the house, since I am so so so fucking sick and tired of you thinking I should pay 50% while you contribute maybe 5% around the home. I’m not your slave, and I’ve been endless support for you. I’ve started to realise you give nothing back. Have a good weekend, do all the laundry adn cooking and cleaning that you think happens by magic every other week, work something out for Monday like parents do, and try to be a good dad who cares about them. We can talk Monday night. Think hard. I know I will be.

Blimey, how much money does a man need?! I’d find his greed and lack of empathy toward his children the most repellant of all his other many failings. How does he feel about his children being miserable fgs?

My dh earns pittance compared to yours, but he’s always put the welfare of our family first and supported whatever we’ve needed to do to make things work even though it’s meant less money.

Honestly I think it’s to your advantage to divorce. You’ll find life a lot easier.

Bear in mind 50% of his savings, pension value of the house etc is yours as you are married. He can only earn what he does because of you.

Ok, two full time, high stress, very demanding, long hour, high paying jobs
(Half of what a successful surgeon makes has still got to be pretty high)

Husband not complaining about his hours, not being able to spend time with family, family income. Have a nanny so kids are being looked after and assuming house is clean.

You say you want to work, full time still, just better hours/less commute so you have a bit more time and energy to spend with young kids.

I don't see the problem unless hubby thinks when you leave this current job you'll not get another. Money should not be an issue. Kids are only young once. Soon enough they'll be old enough not to care they don't see either of you.

I'd say, yes. Spend more time with the kids now

Hugs. You should be a team, if he's earning 300k and you're on 150k, there's no way either of you should feel like you're struggling, even with a nanny/cleaners. But that's only going to work if you pool resources and share goals. Why is he saving 50% whilst seeing you struggling? That's so sad. I could never live happily whilst my spouse struggled.

He’s trying to build another income stream and he’s just very bottom line kind of guy if that makes sense.

he just seems to see the numbers and the goals he has for the future for us as a family. He’s just thinking if I take ages to find work, he’ll have to pay. The market is tough right now.