To just feel so stuck and not sure who’s unreasonable - me or H ? job / working full time

[stok]

I don’t want to out myself here so I’ll try and make this a bit more general but still trying to give enough information to be able to get opinions.

I feel completely stuck right now. My husband is a successful surgeon and works many many hours because of this. I also have my own career but since having the kids, 6 and 3, it’s been very difficult for me to keep going. H is always working and until late too.

I’ve been pretty successful in my career, especially pre children but it’s been difficult since we’ve had the kids- as I don’t have much support and am solely responsible for the kids most of the time as H isn’t home much. I do everything for them, full mental load and all the rest. Drop off and pick ups etc.

recently I have needed to go to the office 3 to 5 days every week and I’m shattered. It’s an hour and a half commute for me. By the time I get home it’s nearly 8pm and I am barely seeing my kids. We have a nanny who picks them up but it’s breaking my heart. My kids are crying and complaining every day.

my husband makes good money, but he’s very sensible and saves essentially more than half of his earnings ( which is around the same as I make, if not double ).

on top of all this, my actual career is super high stress and I suffer from a serious health condition.

I said I want to leave my job and look for a new one, so I’ll be out and he needs to support me for a few months. I just don’t have the energy to interview and while I’m in my job and hold everything else together .

anyway, I just need to find a job that’s more flexible. I can’t go on like this, but essentially my husband wants me to just keep working.

And how does he see all the childcare etc

can you sit down and properly communicate with him everything all the housework and childcare and work out how to manage it alongside you working and if he can take on more

because finances are just one branch of adult life

I know this is old fashioned but Marriage = for richer and poorer , in sickness and in health, all my worldly goods I thee endow.
You're not married, you're barely even employed.

He says ‘ ah the kids will be fine ‘.. they’re fine.

they’ve been crying and telling me every night they want me to pick them up from school and take them to school.

they were sick a couple of weeks ago and spent the week at grandmas house thankfully she was able to take care of them. They both cried in bed one night just saying how they missed me so much when they were ill and had to spend the whole week at grandmas house. I just picked them up at 8 and took them home to sleep. It was very sad and I still feel so sad about it.

eveey morning they’re upset I can’t take them to school ( well, I do take them twice a week, but when I don’t ).

the kids definitely feel the difference in our schedule and they don’t like it.

Your ‘D’H is prioritising money over his family’s wellbeing, his wife and kids are struggling and he doesn’t give a shit. Stop protecting him and tell him what’s what.

If he’s so fucking tired after his big job, why is he working on another income stream? He already can’t pull his weight at home. He doesn’t need more distractions.

No he’s working on passive income, so he doesn’t have to work as much anymore.

He’s working on something else. He is spending time on something else instead of you and his DC.

You and your DC are sacrificing their health and happiness so he can do the passive income stream thing.

Why can’t he reduce his hours at work for time to spend on the passive income stream? Why is it you sacrifice everything?

I voted YABU because you dont need to work. You could have a great life looking after your children based entirely on your husbands income. I really dont see why you are introducing so much stress into your whole familes lives for the sake of more money.

YABU not to sit your husband down, tell him to open the bank account up to the family and ensure your children have a childhood where stress isnt the underlying factor. Some dont have the choice which is why i voted you are unreasonable.

So all of this is a selfish move to retire early and he doesn’t care about you or his children

yeah he gets worse OP worse

Aside from all the issues raised about your DH

Could you reduce your hours to job search, eg go to four days a week?

Why isn’t a surgeons salary that’s doing massive amounts of extra shifts enough for you to survive on op?

There is no point being miserable now to retire early, only to find your children resent you, your wife has left you and you have no hobbies or interests outside work.

It is a fair enough vote.

that’s what I was saying last night - are we in such a bad financial position that I can’t leave and take the risk of maybe being out of work for a bit until I find a more suitable job ? He got angry and said I should know how much he pays out etc etc and I’m an idiot because I don’t login to our joint account and all the money he has to constantly top it up with. I have no idea apparently about how much money he has to pay bla bla bla.

it’s just our joint account for bills he’s talking about.

This. The kids won’t thank you for doing the bare minimum.

You need to know your financial situation, that complaint is at least readily rectified

@Mt563i do know it. What I want access to is his personal account. That’s the whole picture then. Not just bills.

He sounds absolutely awful. Has he given any indication that he cares for the wellbeing of you and the children at all, or any consideration that the rest of you are all struggling? Or just anger that you dare suggest something that doesn't fit in with his plan? This should be a partnership.

I could better understand it if you were really struggling for money, and only just managing to pay the bills each month, but this is clearly not the case if he's putting half his large salary away each month for investments. A short term hit while you take some time off and apply for a new job won't make much difference to the long term plan.

He sounds completely selfish, and trying to make out you're the bad person in this scenario. Of course you're not being unreasonable, as the vast majority of people on this thread are saying. Your plan sounds totally sensible.

I think maybe you need marriage counselling, to make him see your (very reasonable) point of view, although I fear he will never actually succeed.

And I don't think he is miserable. He's enjoying the lifestyle and prestige of being a top surgeon, not having to worry about childcare and housework because his wife and staff look after it for him, and he can have a lie in every weekend. He's working these long hours out of choice and is accruing a nice investment pot to retire early. He's doing exactly what he wants, and is only angry because his wife is understandably unhappy with the current situation.

I work pt and husband ft. Yet we share the childcare. Your h is the one with the problem here. You’re not saying you don’t want to work but saying this situation is not working for you all as a family so you need to change. He sounds selfish.

What a dick.

Raising children is a job that can’t be outsourced. He seems to care more about his bottom line than his children’s happiness. Sounds like you could easily afford to take a few years out for a while. He sounds like a narcissist but I remember reading that many surgeons are psychopaths so I am not surprised.

Is this a happy marriage OP? I'm not sure I would quit work as he sounds so selfish, like he would leave you short of funds probably if you stopped working, and if you then decided to leave you would be vulnerable. Have you got your own savings if it came to it?

If the expectation is that you pay 50% of all household & childcare costs, that has to be matched by an expectation that he will do 50% of all household and childcare tasks, including mental load.
If his job prevents him from doing his 50% of tasks, then he cannot expect you to pay 50%.

I am dead set against couples who pay '50/50' - it is just not fair when there are children, because one person (usually the woman) ends up exactly as you have - doing more than 50% of the work but still expected to pay.
Plus, when you have unequal incomes, one person (like your DH) gets to keep far more money than the other, building up savings, able to buy stuff that the other can't afford, etc.
This is no way to stay married.
Does he plan to 'semi-retire' early while you still have to work? He is just not seeing himself as part of a team, a partner.

I would suggest to him that ALL income, from you and him, goes into a joint current account. From that, you each get 'personal spending allowance' or treats money paid into your current account, the same amount each, say a few hundred a month in your case. Then all household bills, shopping, nanny, other bought-in help, and everything to do with the DC, gets paid from the joint account.
Your personal allowances cover clothes, hobbies etc.
Cars and phones can either be from the joint or personal - negotiate what you prefer.
Savings should be joint. Insist that all savings and investments built up to date go into joint names. Then if he wants to re-start building savings in just his name, he does it from what he saves from his 'personal spending' money.

At the same time, re the household tasks - don't count tasks, count leisure hours. You should both have the same time 'off' each week, either sitting on the sofa relaxing, or lying in bed, or going out to hobbies and socialising.
Add up the hours you each get to do this over a week and make sure you are taking your share of time off.

If he won't agree to this, consider if it would be better for you to divorce him.

Why can’t he do more parenting? I’m a full time (well more than full time actually as I do some managerial stuff too) surgeon yet still do drop off 3 days a week, make it home in time for tea/homework/bedtime most nights, get up with the kids on a weekend and take them to their activities. DH also works full time and we share this stuff fairly equally I would say. He is choosing to prioritise work over family, you need to decide if you’re ok with living like that. Don’t give up your career.

This is such a good approach. It feels really unfair when he’s able to buy himself cool stuff and spend money on things, while I’m struggling.

Do you think he will agree to it?

Agree. The only male surgeons I know doing a fair share of parenting are married to other surgeons.