A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

There are loads of reasons why this could be a red flag and also loads of reasons why it wouldn't be.
It's impossible to tell on that limited information.
How old were they when the child was conceived, how is the mothers mental health, are her family crazy gangsters, is she crazy, were they in a relationship or a one night stand, how hard did he try to be in the childs life, does she live the other side of the world or 5 minutes doen the road.. so many questions to fifure this out.
I think you need more info tbh.

Except they don't, as evidenced here.

This man made it clear he didn't want a child, and walked away. Presumably he pays for the child, as he should, but nobody can be forced to be a parent. Being made to visit a reluctant father who never wanted a child is much worse than being raised alone by the mother who actually loves and wants you.

I know, the gall of him. Making out like he's a decent guy. I'd run OP. I'd run away from an EOW dad as well. Not the kind of man i'd be interested in.

Woman have quite a few 'get out' cards - namely abortion and adoption.

Of all the red flags, this was probably the biggest for me- but then I knew I wanted my own children and didn't want them abandoning.

There are 3 reasons a man doesn't see his own child:

1. He doesn't want to.
2. He would quite like to, but not enough to put any effort in, negotiate with the mother, or take it to court.
3. He has taken it to court and it's been judged that he's unfit to parent.

Which of those comes across as the most "financially secure and responsible" or indicates the most concern towards his closest family member?

Leaving your own child with a family of gangsters isn't a red flag?!

I would see it as a huge red flag. His reasoning isn’t good enough. A good man would fight tooth and nail to see his children.

Yes, but usually they are not easy decisions to make and carry long term consequences.

Well, if this is the case - he pays and simply doesn't want anything to do with the child - then of course its not an issues as such. What I would worry about is what would happen if I decide I want a child with this guy. Will he do the same?

They both made the decision to have unprotected sex and a child has been the consequence of that.

For a lot of women abortion is not an option for various reasons, and continuing the pregnancy is not a decision, as there is nothing to decide.

What would you say if a woman never saw her child? What perception would you have? This is no different.

I’d run in the opposite direction and never look back. This one thing would tell me everything I’d ever need to know about him

How unattractive

Sorry your DH’s children were being sexually abused in their home, but he wasn’t seeing them because when he did they were so traumatised they were crying - and he’s a great dad?

Have you missed out part of the story?

Unless he can show active and repetitive efforts to see the kids

I’m sorry OP but this!

Run!!

Of all the red flags “my ex is mentally unwell and I don’t see the children” is the biggest one. If you can’t see why, you’re part of the problem

So he knocked a woman up and thought he could dodge his responsibilities by walking away. This is not a nice man. He is just good at pretending his is.

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. For me, a dealbreaker would be a married man who agreed to have children but is a shit parent & partner, or who abandoned his wife and children for a new partner. Demonstrates utter lack of loyalty & i often suspect it’s because many men only marry and have children because that’s what their partners want.

In this case, he made clear he did not want a child, & his partner decided to have it anyway when she fell pregnant. Maybe they were on birth control which failed. Or she claimed to be on birth control and wasn’t, or she sabotaged his. Regardless, she decided to have the child after he made clear he had no interest in being a father.

Forcing a relationship in those circumstances would likely be impossible, & also not a good idea. So his lack of contact is no surprise.

I think the problem with "didn't want a child" is that it sees the child as a commodity which is conjured up at our whim and for our amusement.

Well, like it or not, that child is here and he has clear responsibilities for his own actions, morally and financially, These are to contibute bring up the child in terns and see it reaches adulthood unscathed. But he has chosen just to ignore this duty.

To be able to push your own self-interest at the expense of a vulnerable and innocent baby takes a special kind of selfishness and hard-heartedness that would count him out as a potential partner to me.

95% of me says he’ll do that again.
but.. I do have one mate that had a child after a one night stand with a guy she didn’t really like. She wanted to be a mum but genuinely did not want him in her life.
she refused to accept money on the basis he didn’t get involved.

As a single mother, I agree.

Yes I would be f delighted to have some help and funds and the odd break.

In another version, I am painted as crazy ex who weaponised children and put him off seeing them because he is too hurt to see them now. It’s too upsetting for him. So he has cut off all contact. There are no birthday cards, no phone calls, no Christmas cards, no money to them or to me, no savings accounts, no contact details.

It is all shit. And his family make it sound pretty reasonable.

The most enormous and reddest of flags. I wouldn't have any interest whatsoever in a man who has no involvement with his own child.

Yes it woudl be a red flag and with the excuse he gave I would lose all respect for him