A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

Wouldn't believe that for a moment. Just an excuse 'cos he can't be bothered with his child. Few women would elect to be single parents and deal with all the stress and drudgery of childrearing alone.

I think the phrase 'unfit father' should be used more widely.

Well, he said it was amicable between us and was lying, so I am saying that if you are only relying on what he says it could be completely made up (like my situation, so, yes it is similar)

There is a real life child out there who has been born and wonders where his father is and why he doesn't care.

I can't really think of an equivalent example. Maybe a mother who left her children with relatives to foster and could go back any time but just never bothers to even visit.

I did and she's fabulous. But that was a choice, 100%. Had I chosen otherwise, I would have been able to absolve myself of all responsibility by having an abortion.

That option doesn't exist for men. So their only way of opting out is by opting out!

A woman giving up her child for adoption is equivalent.

It isn't a bit of a red flag, it's a huge one. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of it.

I'd want to know why he didn't see his child.

So you think a woman should be forced to abort if the father doesn’t want the child? How late into pregnancy does that go, all the way up to birth?
What about the other way round, the father wants it but the mother doesn’t. Should women be forced to carry a child they don’t want, and what if the man doesn’t contribute but makes her carry the pregnancy?

Men have a choice not to have sex, or to use a condom. His choice ends once sex is over & at that point it becomes the woman’s healthcare choices. Anything else is giving men control over womens’ bodies and is wholly unacceptable.

You’d better go, Gilead is calling.

This is why they should be a bit more careful who they chose to shag, and how well they are prepared to make sure they are using protection! He was in a relationship with someone and he wanted her to have an abortion. I doubt the female was warned in advance this would be the outcome.

Many women deny men the option of seeing their child for their own reasons, its not always a reflection of the mans character. He may be telling the truth. However he should have a history of attempts to see his child. If he had a savings account to provide for the child and a stack of unsent birthday cards I'd forgive him. Even if he was devastated to lose custody i think a good man will be waiting and hoping til his child is old enough to choose to be in his life. Accepting it and moving on doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but I don't think i could accept this as good enough for me.

I agree. If he tried and failed - its a completely different story.

So he was in a relationship and his partner got pregnant, then he told her to have an abortion. When she wouldn't, he dumped her and has never seen the child. Or supported it, presumably.

He's trash.

Would you say that to a woman who accidentally fell pregnant?

My ex says I’m malicious, vindictive, causes trouble etc…

It’s 100% untrue and I suspect all men who spout this are lying too because what I will never understand is, if a man thinks the mother of his child is such an awful person, why walk away and leave her as the only role model for the child?

Sorry but I genuinely don't see why that's relevant.

I am assuming he used protection and it failed. I could be entirely wrong. But I don't know what them being in a relationship has to do with it. Plenty of people are in relationships and choose to be childfree. You don't have to want or expect children to be in a relationship!

I’d want to know more but this would be a big red flag. Now read more

He has a child and is content not seeing them or making a contribution. No thank you. I couldn’t
respect that

Same? You have sex, you always have a contingency plan in case it leads to pregnancy. And you discuss it with you partner in advance.

I call bullshit. If a friend of yours found herself pregnant and was considering an abortion, you would honestly tell her "well if you hadn't wanted a child you should have made sure you didn't make one"? Of course you wouldn't. Normal people would say "accidents happen".

What I am saying - unless she did a complete U-turn - they should have discussed it in advance, and agreed that if there is a pregnancy it will have to be terminated.

It could have been, of course, that they agreed that he will have nothing to do with the child if it happens - ok, but this would be a massive ick for me. Deliberately making a child to give up? Yikes.

However, from what OP is saying the relationship seemed straight forward, no special arrangements beforehand, woman fell pregnant, and after she did, he decided he doesn't want a child. And seemed to have no issues walking away from it. Ok, this is allowed, of course - but in a new relationship, I would be asking: will I end up the same? Will he as easily give up my child with him? This guy seem to have very weak parental instinct and no sense of responsibility.

Edited - also, as I have said, he could be lying. I would not be able to make any kind of judgement unless I know he situation from both sides.

Yes, but guys cant have an abortion, or force someone to have one. They have to accept the situation and take responsibility.

100 percent would be a red flag for me whatever the reason. Regardless of the reason for me that is huge baggage that I couldn’t be bothered with. Maybe I’m just too judgemental.

I did not use this example as I thought perhaps there might be legal contact orders or something in such an example which might be the reason the mother is not able to easily see the child, even if she thought about him every day.

Tbh even in an adoption scenario I would also find it a little strange to just go about your life knowing you had a child out there but not really being that interested, "ah well I didn't want it so I got rid of it". As far as OP describes, her bf is not pining for his lost child he has no access to or something. He just feels he cut ties and done is done.

He told you about his DC, so talk to him.

My DH told me he had DCs that he didn't see.

He told me why in a phone call before our first date. Over course of a few weeks, I saw the court papers etc. He said his ex and her new DH made it difficult and the eldest DC cried when they saw him.

Turns out DC was being sexially abused by the SD which is why they cried when they saw their DF - they needed saving.

I didn't walk away from him. He was a great dad and a real rock.

If he has no reason not to see his DC, then red flag ergo run.

Yes. This isn't an example where you can just trivially flip the sexes and it has to be equal, "oh she can have an abortion so I should be able to be a deadbeat dad, #equality".

Reproduction is THE fundamental difference between the sexes so the options men and women have will inherently always be different.

Totally. But somehow, men always have a "get out" card - they can just walk away from it all. No physical pain, no guilt, no responsibility. And there are seem to be a lot of females prepared to make excuses for them.