A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

I think this is different. And worse. He was in his son's life for four years. The man in OP's has never been a father to the child.

Adoption is handing responsibility over to someone who actually wants the child. Just as this man has done.

I wouldn't be interested in being with a dad who didn't think they were really important to their child and didn't fight to be part of their child's life.

Unless they are married he can dip out not sign the birth certificate even leave the area its easily done zero responsibility zero accountability even if they could be found its 12% of their wage not from when the child is born but from when the case is opened and they close it if they cant be found

So yes men can and do absolve themselves

I'd take anything he says with a pinch of salt. My ex told a girlfriend that he met me as a one night stand and that's why he had no contact - he'd known me for 8 years before I got pregnant!
I'd say huge red flag and run for the hills

Abortion is taking long term responsibility for not bringing a life into this world. And it's not as if once it has taken place you never think about it again.

Adoption is making a choice for the long term future of a baby - provided they don't die tragically young. Plus lots of adoptees meet their birth parents later in life - how is that not a long term ramification?

In that case a woman can also decide to not have a baby - she can be sterilised , she can take contraception or she can choose to not sleep with a man who won’t wear a condom . She can not have sex.

But , she can also choose to terminate a pregnancy if she doesn’t do all of the above or any fail. A man cannot .

Wow! He's sure done a number on you already 🤣

Your experience is nothing like this situation, then, where he has apparently been quite open, by being honest with the OP about something he could have got away with not telling her, by admitting he had been in a relationship with the mother, by saying he had not wanted the baby and that this had ended the relationship and resulted in her telling him to stay out of her and their baby’s life. He has made no effort to sugarcoat it or paint his ex-partner in a negative light, he has just been honest.

No, a man can’t. It’s shit-but it’s biology. All the more reason for men not to risk making children they don’t want.

How would you respond to a man who said to you that he isn't ready to have sex with you 3/6/9/12/24 months into your relationship because he doesn't want a baby with you now and isn't sure he wants a baby with you ever, at this point?

Would you be okay with waiting?

A man's relationship with his kids speaks volumes about the man himself.

Hmm I’m not sure about this. I’m sure there are ‘crazy ex girlfriend’ unicorns out there somewhere, but in real life most single mums I know would be very keen for a supportive father to give them a break with time and financials. Does he pay anything? It’s quite unusual for a mother to refuse any financial help in the current climate, no?

I would move on. I wouldn’t even be interested in what his excuses were.

I would say its really odd. Like he has no parental instincts. Imagine if it was a woman? I dont understand how you live knowing you have a child somewhere who you dont even see. I would say also - he had unprotected sex with someone he wasnt prepared to have a child with.

And, of course, this is HIS story. Who knows what the reality is. It can be anything - from him leaving someone while pregnant to him not being allowed anywhere near the child due to abuse.

Oof. I hope nobody who gave a baby up for adoption reads this comment!

Would never entertain a parent that doesn't see their child. Even if I didn't want kids with them it would be a sign of their morals. No way. Unless there was a genuine unavoidable reason. Not just the Mum said no or some rubbish.

You know what, I have a colleague who I respect and get on with really well. He is married to a lovely woman who had 2 children when they got together and he has treated them like his own and treats their children like his grandchildren, it's a wonderful, loving family set up. But he fathered a child at a young age, he didn't want her to go ahead with the pregnancy, and he didn't really have any involvement in that child's life and that child (a grown up now) now wants nothing to do with him. But he is still a great guy, he was just too young when he fathered the child - still a child himself in fact - so I can see situations where this isn't a red flag.

Personally, I'd never have gone through with a pregnancy if I wasn't in a loving, permanent relationship with the father, so maybe that clouds my judgement, but I know of at least one guy not involved in his child's formative years who is a great bloke and has been a fantastic husband (to another woman) for the past 16 years. It all depends on the situation.

Also, did he say he'd had unprotected sex? Isn't it more likely that there was an accident considering his views on fatherhood?

even worse now that I have read that he was in a relationship with her first. Shocking. No way, please don't ignore this HUGE red flag.

What a great man. Not.

You might have time to do a bit of editing. Or ask Mumsnet to edit.

This is exactly what I imagine the “father” of my child would say - poor me, I would love to have a relationship with my child but I am such a good person I am respecting the mother’s wishes to not have any contact. The reality is he walked out on us and never made contact again apart from emailing once asking if he could have photos of ds - no how is he? can I see him? As I didnt respond he would taken that as a golden opportunity to tell everyone I had forbid him from seeing him I am sure. No maintenance paid ever (he said I would be taking money away from his other children from his previous marriage).

Assuming he is genuine and telling the truth about what happened, why is he a wanker? For not wanting a relationship with someone who has massively changed their mind about their direction in life? For not wanting to be a parent at that time in his life? If not automatically wanting to parent because you accidentally conceived makes a man a bad person, then why don’t you also judge any woman who has an abortion as a bad person?

I’d run a mile from a man with kids, regardless of whether he contacted them or not.