How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

Haha no.

This is crazy!

So your BIL has a whole secret other family which everyone knows about but nobody is allowed to mention in case First Family finds out... and you are the problem?

I really think he needs to sit down and have a good long think about how this is going to pan out.

Twins eh?

I think you should point out that his secret wouldn’t last past the second party!

How is that fair on either set of BIL's children?

They will find out later in life, these things never remain secret, especially if everyone except the children themselves know.

What does your BIL say when people ask him what the plan is for both sets of kids finding out?
Have you discussed with him the fact that your kids are old enough to let it slip by accident now?

He has to own his shit, and he needs to realise this train will come into the station at some point.

You can't be part of the team that facilitates his lie.

One party, he chooses for which children, and then he has to work out the rest.?

Your family (all of you) has put your DC in an indefensible position. Your DC may say something at any time to any of BIL’s kids about the other pair, just when chatting away.

This cannot go on.

ETA and doing the party twice with all other family kids also puts all those kids into an indefensible position

Your BIL is an arse. My DH has "secret" siblings, the pretense was far more damaging than the existence of the siblings - for both families. Of course you don't need to throw a second party, nor do you or your DC need to collude in his lies.

So all of this rigamarole is so that his older kids don't know that he had an affair? That's absurd, not to mention deceitful. For five years he has been lying to his own children. Why were you complicit in this? I wouldn't have supported that at all. Families are messy, sometimes things get complicated, but that doesn't mean he gets to pull the wool over their eyes to maintain his hero dad status. What does his partner think - is she still with him? Is she also fine with the lies?

I think that all of the adults in this situation need to examine their consciences frankly. You are storing up shitloads of trouble for the future - being continually dishonest for so long is incredibly damaging. You are potentially fracturing relationships for the future and embedding a deep sense of mistrust and resentment. Poor, poor, poor kids.

Is he still with the mother of the older children? What's her view on all of this?

Such a weird set up. Of course you shouldn't hold two parties.

He needs a long term plan.

This can't be real

Because presumably they're very likely to say 'uncle Mike, where are your other 2 children?' in front of whichever 2 he brings!

I don't agree with any of this.
It is very unfair on the children involved.

By saying DC are clever - I meant that eldest DC is aware they they are all his cousins and in the future could accidentally let the secret slip in future.

Everyone in the family knows about the twins it's just BIL's middle children (10 and 14 year old) who aren't aware.

We treat them all the same and OH makes a big effort with both sets of kids.

You need to keep your DC out of this until your BIL has come clean to his kids. This is insane.

OP have you posted about this before? It’s very familiar… The affair mum wanted to bring her children to a family party?

I say invite who you want and BIL needs to come clean. It’s a matter of time anyway and you don’t want your eldest being a shot messenger.

No way would my daughter have anything to do with this, a whole web of lies? When the eldest find out they will know you, your familiy and your kids were in on this, and they will hate you for it.

WTAF!!!! I’m presuming the BIL’s long term partner is aware of the situation… maybe it was her decision that she didn’t want the kids to know. And if that’s what happened it was the wrong decision. This will not end well - it will all come out in the end causing serious emotional damage to all concerned… And you are right, totally absurd to put on two parties!!!!

If the only people living in ignorance of the situation are his older children, don't be surprised if it bites you all in the arse (no matter how much you don't agree with it - you have all still accommodated the lie). If his children are extremely hurt and resentful, I wouldn't blame them when the truth is finally out - as it will be one day.

The ONLY way you may save some face is to refuse to play his ugly game.

Omg tell him to fuck off. The cheek.

This is a continuation of the lie, but directed at both sets of kids. Lying on behalf of a liar to spare HIS feelings. Children can adapt to truth.

You don't treat them all the same because two of them are being lied to.

If you don't agree with it then don't do it.

You've been complicit for five years, it's not too late to do the right thing and tell BIL that not only will you not host two parties, but that it's time to tell the children because you're not prepared to lie by omission anymore and you don't want your own children to be put in the position of having to keep secrets because the adults in the family are too damned immature and selfish to do the right thing.