How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

It's ludicrous..two parties...lol

I have tried to approach this with OH but he gets nasty and very defensive of his brother.

You need to stand up to him, for the sake of your DC. You cannot expect your DC to keep this secret, that is grossly unfair on them.

Why should your OH put his brother ahead of the welfare of his own DC?

The most worrying thing here is that your DH seems happy to be complicit in the pretence. Eager, even.

Two parties that children c. 5yo aren't allowed to talk about....

Are you not the tinest bit worried that your husband, his parents, his siblings and seemingly extended family are all willing to lie and collude to hide affairs and keep children secret? Do you not think that one day you will be on the receiving end of this treatment OP, that your children will be treated like this and lied to? I would be getting out of this shitshow as fast as my size six feet would carry me. Those poor kids being dragged through life by a sexually incontinent waste of skin and his awful family.

How have they not all bumped into each other down the Vic or around Albert Square?

The middle 2 kids are going to resent him massively, and the rest of their family, when they realise everyone has been lying to them for years. If not careful, they will be as screwed up as their eldest siblings.

Those poor two kids think their Dad lives alone, yet presumably have never been to his house. At some point they will ask questions surely! I assume the mother has them full time, and he turns up an hour here and an hour there with no over night access?

Well they certainly will when they find out that they have been living a lie, and literally everyone except them knows they have a brother and sister and have been told to lie to them about it.

Oh - and 2 Christmas parties are the least of his/your concern!

What tangled webs we weave.

The middle 2 kids are going to resent him massively, and the rest of their family, when they realise everyone has been lying to them for years.

Up to and including their own mum as well?! I would never agree to lie to my children this way, knowing that the rest of their family are regularly mixing with their secret siblings.

If nobody else in the family had any contact with the younger 2 then that's one thing, but to know everyone else knows them and spends time with them it's just unbelievable that the whole family and even their own mother would agree to this approach?!

What a shit show. You do not need to placate him and pander to his ‘needs’. One celebration. End of.

He should be thoroughly ashamed of his actions towards his children and their mothers.
I suspect that one day he will be an old man, with a younger girlfriend and his children nowhere to be seen. You reap what you sow!

Apparently the partner he cheated on dosent want her kids to meet the twins either, I'm not really sure of the reasons.

She is understandably very angry and bitter about the whole situation and how she found out (the woman called her up out of the blue to ask when the kids were meeting).

It is very messy and BIL does need to put things right and be honest.
OH defends him to the core so it's hard to enforce/ say anything in relation to this.

OH's reasoning is "because the ex is an alcoholic my brother had the right to do what he wanted and it's her fault for making him so unhappy".

When I reason that most normal men would leave the relationship and have the courtesy and respect to tell the woman how he felt/end the relationship before getting someone else pregnant, he starts getting nasty and blaming the ex.

He sounds like a right prize something!

As others have said: Absolutely no way would I be going along with any of this. I don't know if you need somebody to tell you, but he cannot compel you to keep a secret.

IMO you must tell him that firstly no, OBVIOUSLY you won't be holding two parties, either now or in the future. More fundamentally you must tell him that neither you not your children will keep his absolutely stupid secret.

Has the middle childrens' mother also decided to keep it from them forever more?!

It IS going to come out in the wash, sooner or later. 5 years is far too long for it to have gone on already and the hurt and betrayal those kids are going to feel are going to be on another level if they find out in 5, 10, 50 years time.

Jesus, those kids (the teens) are quite rightly going to think everyone they know and trust has lied to them. They will find out.....

How the hell does he think he can maintain this secret??

This sort of scenario was surprisingly common in the last generation but increasingly rare now especially with the internet. My mum was part of a "second" family and knew about the first family but the first family's children never knew about them. Similarly, one of my uncles only found out at his dad's funeral that his dad had a second family the whole time. These men should have to take responsibility for their decisions and not be allowed to maintain a veneer of respectability after having had affairs.

OH's reasoning is "because the ex is an alcoholic my brother had the right to do what he wanted and it's her fault for making him so unhappy".
When I reason that most normal men would leave the relationship and have the courtesy and respect to tell the woman how he felt/end the relationship before getting someone else pregnant, he starts getting nasty and blaming the ex.

But it's mad because that isn't even the issue? The problem is not how the children arrived, but the fact BIL and his whole family are keeping them a secret from the older 2.

And more to the point for you, your children are now having to become a part of it too at their very young ages. And as PP pointed out, if they let something slip, it will them likely be 'their fault'. It's not on at all.

I'd stop you children seeing at least one set of kids, if not both, until this is sorted.

Frankly I wouldn’t have had my children involved in this lie to begin with, so I’m not sure what to say on that front. The whole situation is horrible.

My ex-SIL had a half-sister born the same year as herself, they even ended up attending the same university but simply never acknowledged each other. But at least they were aware of each other’s existence.

Tell BIL where to go. He is responsible for his life choices not you.

You are being daft, taking part in this family secret. Put your foot down and refuse to entertain any more of this nonsense, including hosting a party.

So the middle children live the whole time with their alcoholic mum? Does BIL never have the children at home with him? He is going turn all his children away from him if he is not careful

The more you post, the more depressing this gets. I generally think it's not nice to say that some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children... but in this case I think I will make an exception.

OH's reasoning is "because the ex is an alcoholic my brother had the right to do what he wanted and it's her fault for making him so unhappy".

When I reason that most normal men would leave the relationship and have the courtesy and respect to tell the woman how he felt/end the relationship before getting someone else pregnant, he starts getting nasty and blaming the ex.

Sidenote... please don't let your DH's words go over your head. He is telling you that he feels that a man cheating on his wife is sometimes the wife's fault an entirely justified. That a man lying to his family about having a entire other family is sometimes his partner's fault. Just a thing to file away in the back of your mind.

Your logic is the reasonable and ethical one here. Don't lost sight of that.

Also.. the man whose parenting choices he is defending is the one who was entirely absent for a large chunk of some of his children's lives, and who gave them cannabis.

So the an ex is alcoholic enough to justify an affair and leaving but not so alcoholic to be inconvenient for childcare purposes.

Op im shocked you think its ok for your kids to have a relationship with the twins when their actual half siblings are none the wiser. You're worried about hosting two parties? is that your biggest issue, what will all these kids think when they grow up and find out you've all been lying.