How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

I know why this rings a bell - Kyle Walker!!!!

So he has 3 kids with 3 different women? I'm curious about his relationship with his adult kids. Are they part of this bs or have they stepped away?

This.
You have to stop your DC seeing either set of BIL's children until this is all out in the open.
Otherwise you risk them accidentally letting slip and then blaming themselves for not keeping the secret, or being told off by BIL or even DH.

You have to keep your DC out of it.

So your children are what? 4 and 2, 3 and 1, something like that? They cannot be involved, it’s cruel

Cleaver, please.

It’s crazy. He needs to come up with a better long term solution for the whole situation now that all the kids involved are able to talk and understand. What a mess.

Good God. Your BIL is storing up a world of pain for his and all his children’s future. They should all be told now, while they’re young.

The "several reasons" need to be addressed and adults involved need to get real. The whole thing is a ticking time bomb and you are complicit.

This is really bizarre, I can't believe the whole family has a relationship with the twins except their own siblings?! That could absolutely destroy the 2 older children when they find out everyone around them has been keeping this secret from them.

Their dad is saving his own skin in the short-term but absolutely dicing with their relationships with their whole family in the long-term. Why has his ex agreed to this approach when she must know you and the rest of the family are socialising with them regularly?

If BIL didn't want his older children to know about the younger 2 then he shouldn't have introduced them to the rest of the family? Especially not to other children in the family who could very easily mention it.

Although tbh, obviously what BIL really should have done - and should STILL DO!!! - is introduce his bloody children to each other and deal with any upset felt by the older 2.

Agree with basically everything everyone's already said here, but I cannot believe you're giving your husband a pass on this also.

He 'tried' to tell you his brother had fathered secret twins as the result of an affair, immediately passed it off as a joke, and then didn't bring it up again until years later when he wanted to play happy families with your children and theirs?

Everyone here is absolutely insane except for the poor kids.

I worked with a woman who's husband had an affair that resulted in a ‘ love ‘ child , said child was kept a secret for a few years from everyone , but is now all out in open .

The dad’s relationship with his eldest children ( with wife ) was damaged and will never be the same again, I mean how could it be , but they do all get along reasonably amicably now , and all 3 children do regularly see each other , over a decade later .
BIL must realise that this won’t be kept secret forever , what an idiot!! No way would I get involved in his lies , nor would I allow my children to be dragged into it .

Your BIL needs to realise that at some point your kids are going to mention his kids from the affair.

throwing 2 parties may well speed that up! “We are having another one next week as you couldn’t come to uncles last one with his other children!”

Yanbu to refuse to have 2 anyway but o wouldn’t be supporting BIL infidelity either.

Tbh you should never have got your DC involved with anything that meant they needed to keep secrets like this, but as they are I think you need to tell BIL you wont be asking them to. It will come out, even if they try.

Crazy and NEVER ask children to keep secrets- this is very dangerous!

I wouldn't let my kids mix with either set of cousins. It is unreasonable to expect them to keep a secret of this magnitude. I wouldn't put them in that position.

The oldest two kids are early 20s (BIL was 17 when he became a dad).
They didn't see their dad for years and the kids lived with their mum and grandparents.

BIL came back into their lives when they were 12 and 13.
They have serious daddy issues.

They have been involved in stabbings, drugs and one is currently incarcerated for a stabbing.
BIL used to go clubbing with them and allow them
to smoke marijuana.

The 10 and 14 year old's have witnessed domestic abuse, their mom is an alcoholic which is apparently one of the reasons why BIL had an affair apparently.

It is very unfair on the kids.

I have tried to approach this with OH but he gets nasty and very defensive of his brother.

Asking your children to keep this a secret is ridiculous. If that was a condition of a relationship, you never should have allowed them to meet.

none of you have any obligation to cover for BIL not should you be helping. Tell him this ends now. He tells his children the truth or you all stop seeing everyone involved. This includes him, his older children, and his younger children. You will not be keeping his secrets anymore.

Absolutely, imagine the hurt of knowing everyone knew except you. It won't only destroy the relationship with their father, and any possibility of a relationship with their siblings, butwith the entire extended family. It will be devastating to their self esteem and sense of place in the world.

You and DH are complicit by going along with this charade IMO.

Basically BIL has 6 kids with 3 different women and the oldest kids who are adults are the only ones aware of this. The younger four have no idea their other siblings exist? This is sheer insanity. BIL and his three separate families… I don’t see his charade lasting surely, someone in the family has to slip up eventually. He just sounds really unhinged tbh, especially continuing to have a casual ‘relationship’ with the youngest children's mother.

You think you’ve heard it all and then…

When the children find out that they have siblings that they didn't know about, which they inevitable will, it will completely destroy their relationships with those who lied to them and destabilize their sense of identity. I would tell them now and apologise to minimize the damage. I would refuse to be complicit in the deceit if it was me.

So this is his 3rd seperate attempt at being a parent and still crap at it....and worse, for you, your DC, OH thinks it's OK.

Tbh OP, I think you need to take your own kids out of this situation. As they grow older it's really not fair to expect them to keep this kind of secret and be aware of not mentioning it etc.

I'd invite just the older kids to the party (even though it's a shame for the little ones) and then there is no drama for you or your kids. I would not throw 2 parties.

I can’t fathom why everyone is so keen to enable your BIL, including the woman he cheated on. How utterly bizarre that she would make herself complicit in such a terrible lie to do a favour for her horrible ex.

Your husbands family sound like absolute pond life.

The worst thing about all this is that when one of your kids slips up and let the secret out to one or other set of siblings, it’s going to be made out to be their fault and probably yours too. Your DH is being ridiculous thinking that this will stay secret as your kids get older and he shouldn’t be enabling his brother. If they refuse to come clean, you need to cut contact with one or other set of children.

Plus, you’re supposed to have the stress hassle and expense of two parties for no reason other than your BIL is a coward and a liar, and anyone you invite to the party (parties) is going to have to be brought into the secret which makes it less likely that it will be kept in future.

Crazy!