How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

???

I think you need to leave your own disgusting man OP and then you don’t need to worry about this shit show.

the poor poor kids in all this.

Personally I'd remove my DC from the situation. One will eventually let slip accidentally, and if your DH is abusive, they'll cop the full wrath & blame.

I'd be more inclined to leave your DH, who sounds awful, and in passing let slip the secret to the kids themselves to save mine being in the firing line and end their trauma. Poor kids. They'll work it out eventually - if they don't already know - then they will all hate BIL.

This is bat poop crazy! Your husband wanting to go along with it is a red flag for me too. I doubt everyone though so that’s more about me.

Your duty of care is primarily to your own children OP.

This situation could really mess them up for life.

They are learning from babyhood that this is how families are - lying, betrayals, keeping secrets, feeling confused, feeling guilty.

You can't control what BIL does, what he tells his children or how he behaves, but you can control how you parent your own children.

If you're not able to stay in a relationship with your husband and also be open and honest with your children about their family, then I would gently suggest you seek advice about separation.

The dysfunction which runs through your husband's family will continue in your own children's lives if you do not take steps to remove them from these lies and secrets.

All the best. It is a very difficult situation.

Tell them you’ll do the second party next year and invite the other lot for the next birthday

Imagine all of the children in this situation as adults.
Those who are currently in the dark will one day find, or work, out for themselves what has been going on. This is betrayal of ultimate proportions.
Your children may suffer with guilt well into adulthood of having to carry such a secret. You may think they have the best of both worlds now (having a relationship with all of their cousins), but they too will suffer the consequences of the betrayal.
My advice would be, that the adults in this situation are responsible for doing the correct thing. If not for the children being lied to, then for the sake of your own children you should refuse to be complicit in this any longer. Perhaps ask yourself how you will feel in years to come when your children want to know more about your part in all this. How would you like them to know and remember you? In the short term you might be seen as the trouble maker. But once the dust settles, those who matter most (all of the children) will see that you stuck up for what is right.
All that being said, you have my empathy. It is very hard to go against the grain among your own family. Especially if you are made to feel like the unreasonable one.

Your own partner and BIL both sound absolutely hideous!!!!!! I would read all your posts back, not just about BIL, but about the vile man you’re with

@jojobooh

I can’t help but think you need to be working on your exit strategy, OP, and I think you know it.

@jojobooh

This.

This is bonkers.

OP, maybe it’s time for you to tentatively start making a plan to leave..? Do you want to do this? if so, what is holding you back?

Op, since your husband seems to be quite abusive and unstable, if you are not ready to leave him, let him handle this. You organise the Xmas you want and he dam invite which set of niblings he wants to attend. If he wants another party to the other set, he can sort it out. Stay out of it for your own safety and work on sorting out your next steps. As pp said, this gives a terrible model of family to your kids.

The thing is OH never used to be like this.

It was only when his brother moved back to our city and hanging around with him more that slowly he began to change.

I know people will find this hard to believe this but one of his cousins has 12 kids with 4 women in this weird open relationship where they all know about the other women and he is the only man they all sleep with.
OH thinks that this is great and that "his seed is being passed on and his name will live forever".

Honestly I don't even think he realises how messed up his family are.
He thinks I just say this because I don't like his family (he isn't wrong) but reading the comments on here makes me feel better that's it's not me who only thinks the whole situation is weird and not normal.

In every situation the issue is always the woman's fault.

I told him last night again it's not right exposing DC to all this and I won't be tolerating this.
He says "Oh well I will have to have a kid with someone who lets me do what I want with my kids as it's unfair that you want to block DC from seeing their cousins"

I told him go ahead as I don't think any woman will tolerate him or his Adam's family.

I am fortunate that I don't rely on this man for anything and will fine when we part ways (been coming for a long time) but the kids adore him.

You say OH never used to be like this, then "OH thinks that this is great and that "his seed is being passed on and his name will live forever"."

This is not an overnight change, he's always been a shitty human.

But you don’t want to block DC from seeing their cousins. You just don’t want the secrecy.

Is he stupid?

Had a situation at work where several families all had the same dad. The kids all knew about one another.

The father was alleged to be a drug dealer.

I’d see only one of the mothers at parents’ evenings - a quiet mother of one, who was doing the best for her child. I think she was the only one who had cut all ties with the father and the only one whose child didn’t seem to be messed up.

Sounds like this will happen again given the age of the 3 sets of kids!

what a ridiculous situation. No of course you shouldn’t put any effort into carrying on this nonsense. You cannot and should not police your children and force them to lie. They won’t manage to anyway. He sounds like a terrible man and a terrible father so the kids might as well get used to it now.

Also can’t stop thinking about this episode on TV where secret siblings met as adults and got together as they had no idea they were related. Am aware families have secrets but this seems totally unsustainable. He really should have told them all years ago and it would be normal now.

OP, your childrens father and his brother are scummy low life's.
You are raising your children in a Jeremy Kyle episode.
Why would you do this?
Your poor children exposed like this and their abusive father.
Don't kid yourself that they can't sense their father is scum.
Their adoration is a trauma bond.
Their adoration of him is a survival mechanism.

This may seem a pretty daft question, you say you don't rely on him financially so I take it you work if you do great, let him go and sow his wild oats as they say, but not while living with you and your kids. But who supports all the other kids his brother's have fathered? Id like to bet they don't support them all, too many like that, father kids then expect the mothers or the state to keep them fed and clothed, In my opinion the women are as bad as the men and need to get a bit of self respect, because the men have no respect for them and 100% don't love them or the kids.

Yes I work and he does provide very well for the kids.

His brother is actually extremely wealthy and from what OH has told me BIL does not offer any child maintenance and there is no formal agreement.

Apparently the mothers don't ask him for money as they are just so grateful that he see's the kids.

BIL he will buy the kids things and take them out for food though.

BIL never has the kids over night either.

BIL will just stay at the mother's house's and look after them/ take them out etc.

I have told him I am not hosting 2 sets of parties either.

Wow…

Honestly they both sound like Tate wannabes with misogyny seeping from their pores!

The level of disrespect you describe just from your OH is appalling.
Please get your ducks in a row and show your children that being treated like this is not acceptable. It sounds very toxic.

Stop enabling that . The older kids deserve to know ! They will feel so betrayed by the lot of you