How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

I am so confused.... If I'm reading it correctly your 5 year old plays with both sets of cousins and knows BIL is father of all 4 children? So what happens when your child says something to the older 2 about their dad's other kids? Do your BIL and DH somehow think that's just not going to happen someday while they are innocently chatting about things they did, places they went, toys they have etc?

Wow this is awful for all the children. His older children may never forgive him or the family for that matter for keeping this secret from them?

What a pair of princes. Are you quite sure your husband hasn’t got a secret family stashed away somewhere? Seems like it’s fairly standard to just shag around then fuck off and start again with a new victim.

I’d be really questioning whether I wanted to stay involved with all these people. It’s all a bit Jeremy Kyle innit.

You know some people actually do have twins? Only on mumsnet does a mention of twins = automatically lying.

Exactly!

OP’s partner could have another family - no one on his side would tell her. They all sound awful and I would want rid of the lot of them!

I feel sorry for the poor children left in the wake of this useless man

Given how your OH is behaving, and the fact you are admitting he’s as bad as his brother, tells me that you’d be better off not being in this relationship

I’m not seeing any redeeming qualities in your OH, and frankly him wanting to protect his brother from the consequences of his cheating, tells me that he’s just as bad. He could do this to you. If he’s excusing it, that means he agrees with it. And those aren’t the kind of morals you want in a man.

Also, the older kids mum is apparently alcoholic and crazy, which excuses BILs behaviour but it’s fine to leave the upbringing of the kids with her?

This sums up the situation brilliantly.

Imagine finding out one day that your dad is playing family man to your siblings, siblings you had no idea even existed….. and the rest of your family not only knew, but went along with it all. You were literally oblivious of all the times they were having play dates and bonding as family.

Thats mental OP!! Absolutely do not host 2 parties. It’s wildly inappropriate, those poor kids are going to be so hurt and disappointed in every single person who allowed it to play along, one day.

Wait this is soooo messed up. He allowed your kids to meet them?

Assuming your BiL is still with original partner and twins are a secret, why are they known to anyone in his family? If you want to keep a secret - not saying this one should be kept btw - then you keep it by making sure those who know are few. Ridiculous situation and one that will boomerang wildly once it comes out. Poor kids.

Oh my! How unfair on those kids!
When they do find out, it could be heaven or hell.
They could be overjoyed at new family or very hurt by the deceit.. because it's exactly what it is!

Why aren't you more concerned for your own children, being exposed to what they are because you're with such an awful man?

You need to let your BIL and OH know that you are not going to involve yourself and your kids in this mess anymore.

You also need to dump your ex as from what you've said, he's as much of an arsehole as his brother.

Exactly this! I see a vista of lies and deceipt and a child eventually letting it all out. The party issue is just a symbol.

Sorry I’m with you dh and bil you can’t play god with children that aren’t yours and this isn’t your decision to make. It’s also before Christmas and it could ruin their Christmas.

You can't go along with it, it's ridiculous. His older children in particular are going to be devastated when they find out (and they will) and I think will feel even worse that others knew this secret and set out to deceive them with duplicate parties etc.

Having read all your posts again OP, I think your husband sounds misogynistic. You say he's nasty and belittles you and that you are unhappy. I think you have more things to consider, like do you want to stay in a relationship.

Strangest family dynamics I've ever heard. Have one party, invite everyone. Tell bil the twins aren't coming and buy some popcorn.

Has anyone in your family considered how your BiL’s older children will feel when they find out a) they have siblings no one told them about b) everyone in their family who they loved and trusted knew about these siblings and spent time with them? I can’t imagine how they are going to feel when they find out their whole family has been lying to them.

What a dickhead. Making his fuck ups everyone else's problem. Invite all kids, disinvite BIL. Prize prick.

TBH I would walk away from it all and have nothing to do with any of them. Children included.

I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging a relationship between your own children and these multiple secret families, no good can come of it.

I know it’s the other children who are going to lose out, but you have to put your own family first and also you need to refuse to be a part of this.

So, I would say that there will be no parties and then I would look in the new year at where your own relationship is going.

But the only way you can deal with your BIL’s issues is by refusing to have any part in them.

Four of them are being lied to :(
OP said the older siblings do not know about the twins and vice versa.

What revolting people

Indeed - although I didn't know that when I posted as the older children were mentioned later in the thread I believe. A shitshow all around isn't it? 😕