How to deal with this situation? BIL & his kids as a result of an affair?

[jojobooh]

Basically my BIL had an affair behind his long term partners back (has a son (10) & a daughter (14) with her) which resulted in twins being born who are now 5.

The kids have never met and are not aware of the existence of each other because of several reasons.

We have DC who are closer in age with the twins and have play dates often.
Our oldest DC talks and understands and is very cleaver.

DC see both lots of cousins, obviously separately and are aware that they are cousins and family etc.

Were having a Christmas party for all the kids in the family next month in our home, just abit of festive fun for the kids.

Now as the kids are not allowed to meet each other BIL wants us to host the party twice to neither of the kids miss out.
I think this is absurd.

Whilst we want all the kids to be treated fairly and equally I find this request unfair and OH is supporting BIL.

Why should we have two parties?

Moving forward I think this will be a similar trend when DC have birthday parties etc or other future family events we host.

And when DC are older they will be forced to keep this secret which I don't think is fair or right at all to swear young kids to secrecy.

I just wanted to see if I was BU about refusing to host this second party and if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

Are you saying that the two eldest don't know about the two youngest? If that's the case it's so wrong and needs to be sorted for all the children's sake

Are you saying that the two eldest don't know about the two youngest? If that's the case it's so wrong and needs to be sorted for all the children's sake

This is probably sustainable for another 2 or 3 days isn't it really? Someone needs to sit the BIL down and tell him he's being an arse. I know a family where this happened and the son who found out about his half sister when everyone else knew (school friends, the neighbourhood, teachers) was devastated. Not about the half sister - but that everyone else knew for 5/6 years when he didn't.

I bumped into an aquaintance yesterday who I know was trying to do something similar - keep an affair baby quiet - I don't know him well enough to ask, but I know him well enough to know. So it seems mad his 10 year old doesn't know...

Did they ask for your agreement before they made your children party to this secret they are supposed to keep forever? If not, I wouldn't feel obliged to keep the secret at all, it's a huge burden to place on your own children. (As well as the general total insanity of the situation.)
I would not be taking part in any of this until he has told all his children an appropriate version of the truth. Even if your children are close to their cousins, the situation in general will damage them and teach them strange things about how families work.

Wait, what? So you all know he has four kids, but his four kids think he only has two? And you're all just happy to go along with this shit show?

I'm assuming he's currently single. He should remain so.

This whole situation is insane. Those children are going to have issues for years when they discover that not only their own father, but all their other relations, have been lying to them over and over.

Where is their mother in all this? Does she know about the younger twins?

I think it's time to say that children must be told about their siblings - it's none of your business, but in the same way, it's not your business to keep secrets and tell everybody to keep quiet. It's unfair to punish the younger children and kept them apart.

I would tell your BIL he should be embarrassed to be ashamed of the younger ones, how does he think they'll feel when they are older and realise how ashamed he was?

We had a similar ish thing where my uncle had a dc he hadn’t told his (younger by five years) kids about. He never saw his eldest. Eldest is /was lovely and was routinely invited to lots of things that my Uncle then ditched out on at the last minute. Including my wedding!

I wouldn’t throw two parties I’d invite all the kids and then if bil self excluded bc his older ones then C’est la vie.

Is he with his partner or the affair partner? So you have play dates with the affair partner? I’m baffled by this.

I only became aware of this when I had my oldest DC as it was only the parents and siblings who knew at this point.

I only found out when OH told me as the twins mum had wanted to meet my baby.

None of the two sets of children know of other's existence.
BIL also has two older kids who are in their 20s who know.

The twins mom is abit weird , she obtained BIL's then partner and now ex's number from his iPad and called her up and asked "So when are the kids meeting then?"
This was how she found out about them.
The twins mom then began stalking her.

From what I understand BIL dosent want the 10 and 14 year old to know because he is scared the kids will hate him.

What a sleaze bag

BIL split up from his ex and is now in a casual sexual relationship with the twins mum.
The kids all live with their mothers but he does a lot of school drop offs/ pick ups and is active in all of his kids lives.

Exactly this. This is a masterclass in how to fuck kids up and could permanently damage their relationships with all their family. No way would I be colluding with this, your BIL has to admit what he has done to his kids and allow them all to have the change to get to know each other. He is just compounding shitty behaviour.

Father of the year

As incredible as this scenario seems, we had a similar situation in our family where my children and I were expected to lie by omission in order to cover for the fact that another family member (also an in-law!) was having an affair.

It was a hard no, with a garnish of 'fuck right off' from me.

BIL dosent want the 10 and 14 year old to know because he is scared the kids will hate him.

As well they should. The man is prolific- six kids with three different women and expecting everyone to run around pandering to him to keep half siblings apart and his secrets for him.

The kids should know all their half siblings, don't participate in keeping the man's secrets for him any longer. The trauma he's inflicting is off the charts.

So your partner never would have told you if she hadn't wanted to meet your children? Were you also going to be kept in the dark and not invited to these second parties?

The whole lot of them sound batshit.

I totally agree. Lying for years to cover up for a cheating man baby.

This thread is making me so cross. All of the adults are awful.

Secret twins! And everyone just going along with it for years!

Kids are smarter than any of the adults here are giving them credit for. They will spot a discarded toy or shoe or sweet wrapper that isn't theirs and the whole wall will come tumbling down.

What an awful deceit to be a part of. I couldn't look those kids in the eye knowing i was keeping such a life changing and devastating secret from them.

Your part in this is that you are teaching your children they can lie to peoples faces to keep a grown adults secrets, and that its okay because its family. Thats dangerous.

Absolutely ridiculous to expect you to have two parties! None of this is your fault or problem. Is BIL offering to fund the second party? Somehow I highly doubt it!

I think alternate: twins at Christmas party, older kids at birthdays or vice versa, or every other year.

Bloody awful not telling a 14 year old they have secret siblings.

Not your job to clean up after his dirty little secrets. He can figure it out himself instead of expecting others to play along with his every whim. The world does not revolve around him. Sounds like it's past time he took some responsibility for his actions.

Not quite the same but my uncle had a previous wife his kids didn't know about. Families keep secrets all the time.

Another man who wants the women in his life to carry the burden of his infidelities; you to throw a 2nd party, his ex-wife to take (at least) partial blame for the divorce and his current sexual partner to shoulder the bulk of responsibility of raising their DC 🙄

What a twat!