Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

At 7 I wouldn’t expect him to have any help with dressing / hygiene while staying with someone else. You need to make it clear to him that hygiene / dressinf is important and that it is his responsibility to ensure he does it properly. If screens are an issue then don’t send his tablet with him & make it clear to Gp that he shouldn’t get TV more more than 30mins a time as he’s ignoring everything else.

No you don’t need to be there all the time, but you need to check they have washed everywhere. My grandchildren are around that age. One of them would just get in and out of the bath! I usually just stay in the bedroom next door and pop in occasionally. Tooth cleaning should still carefully supervised at 7.

Your child is seven so should be able to remember to shower or bathe, brush their teeth and show Grandpa how he combs conditioner through his hair.
If he wears fresh clothes and bathes every second day, that is fine.
Speak to your parents about how many hours per day your child should be on screens without harming his posture, eyes and imagination. (Ask your child to only go on a screens after lunch) Provide other activities.
You could deliver your child freshly bathed and with a bag packed with clothes in logical places and a dirty clothes bag.

Supply some meals and spending money to help your parents cope well and have a fun time with your child.
If your child is happy and safe, that is the most important thing.

I disagree with everyone tbh.
He is 7 hes only young. I would not be leaving him with grandparents who sat him in front of screens all day and didnt get him to wash or change clothes thats gross!

See both with my own kids and dgc it's a struggle to get them OUT of the bath

I would also not let my child sit on a screen or watch YouTube for hours. Absolutely not. But depending on what’s communicated beforehand about the expectations and current routine for the child’s care.

Checking the child is taking care of their own hygiene is the responsibility of the adults in charge. If it’s been communicated beforehand that the child is to take care of their own hygiene.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to talk to his grandparents about this.

Ideally your child would bathe every day and wear clean underwear, and have limited time on screens.
Op, is there any chance that your DS7 is refusing to bathe and stop watching you-tube. If so, you need to insist that DS7 doesn't have any time on screens and has to bathe before dinner.. Talk to your parents and hear their assessment.

Ask your parents to remind him to shower/change and also try and call him on your breaks to remind him.
Focus on creating some independent self care skills with DS. Give him a checklist for each morning and evening so he doesn't forget and use daily labeled ziplock bags for each set of clothes/pjs and make him up a wash bag so he has access to everything he needs. For hair, send him with detangler and a suitable comb and show him what to do himself, tell him to ask grandparents for help if he needs it.

It's concerning that he's spending so much time on devices, put a timer on which only allows a certain number of hours per day. Ask him to pack a rucksack with toys/games/crafts so he's not bored and send some money for them to take him out for a walk with an ice cream/ hot chocolate.

For reference my DS is just 7 and showers himself including washing hair and turning the shower on/off. He would not want to be 'bathed' by me or his grandparents. It took a few days to show him what to and he still uses way too much much gel but he's squeaky clean!

So your sister/sil has explicity said oh its fine if they watch YouTube, just let them?

Even if that's the case, there's no way I'd let that happen. What happens when your kids see her sitting on youtube, dont they want on it too? I'd just make sure they're taken out and about and other activities were provided.

You also say that her hygiene is her own responsibility. Do you check she's brushed her teeth and washed her face and changed her underwear at the very least? If she says no or she doesn't want to, what then? Just let her get on with it?

You word it as if you're just doing what you're told and it's not on you and you're helping them be independent. It's really not OK to treat any child in your care like this, the very minimum is making sure they're clean, fed, teeth brushed.

Edited for typos

It’s all about communication. What has been communicated beforehand about your expectations of their care for your child? If you feel you’ve already clearly communicated, then maybe educate them on why you don’t like their current routine and why it’s not good for the child. If they go against your wishes once you’ve communicated, then you need to find a better arrangement.

I think teens not washing properly is often rebellion against the memory of the forced hygiene routines that most little kids have. They remember their mum scrubbing them unwillingly and it makes them think that now it's in their control they won't do it properly!

They might educate her on why her child is actually quite burdensome, if they are all brutally honest. Providing regular childcare for a grandchild can be really draining.

All good points. My situation’s a bit different, as I look after them for hours rather than days. The whole point I was making, and why I joined the discussion, is that it really depends on what’s been communicated beforehand. You can’t get annoyed with the caregiver if expectations weren’t made clear. What looks like a child watching TV to you might, from the caregiver’s perspective, be about kindness, letting them enjoy what they love and keeping their routine undisturbed. They may just need to be educated.

They weren’t guilted into it at all. In fact they pushed me towards doing my midwifery, by saying there more than happy to cover any childcare I need.

Surely at 7 he can dress himself and brush his own hair. He's not a baby anymore. He'll be getting himself dressed after PE at school.

He’s 7 not 3.

At his age he should know full well and be perfectly capable of changing out of clothes into pyjamas for bedtime. Even if his clothes are out of reach he’s capable of asking his Grandparents to get his bag for him.

Call your parents out on this and tell them it’s not acceptable for your son to be sleeping in his day clothes and keeping them on for 3 days straight!

If they’re not changing his clothes what else are they not doing. Brushing his teeth, making sure he’s drinking enough water?

I work 12 and a half hour night shifts, but I only go to bed for maybe 5 hours between them. Same for the women I work with. Can you not go to your parent's house and bath him, have brunch with him etc when you finish, then go home to sleep?

Is that safe in your job?

Perhaps he is telling them that Mum lets him do (or not do) all these things! In that scenario your parents may be reluctant to insist or report back to you as they may worry you will say they can't have him any more!
It sounds like communication may have fallen away on both sides with both you and them afraid to say anything in case it spoils things/hurts the other side.
Can you address it with them in a a light- hearted way - that you are wondering if your son is playing you off against each other to get his own way? This is a common tactic in bright kids which would probably have been picked up much earlier if your communication with your parents was more relaxed/less anxious....

I didn’t say at any point he doesn’t know how to get dressed, brush his teeth etc. He does, and I have said as such. Why would you not read someone’s responses before accusing them of poor parenting. It’s bizarre.

He is not white, so his hair is not something he can manage alone. The only time it would need daily combing was if he was bald.

I don’t understand why people on MN are so obsessed with being unkind and putting people down.

Nobody has been unkind or put you down. We've offered suggestions.
I'd suggest an honest chat, check how they feel, and emphasise that while you really appreciate their support there's also a few things you'd like to chat about.

Do you send him with activities and things to keep him occupied, other than screens? I don't think it should be up to the grandparents to provide activities other than things like going to the park, helping with cooking or palying a board game. Everything else he should be taking with him.
Does he need to take a screen? I think TV watching is very different to tablets/phones - not so all-encompassing and in your face. It's easy to do some drawing, or play with lego etc whilst the TV is on, not so much when you are actually holding a device right up to your face.

At 7 he's able to get himself dressed and undressed and knows the standard self care routine he has at home.

It's probably a combination of him being lazy, purposely forgetful and having a break from doing the boring stuff he hasn't got the maturity to understand is important. Along with your parents assuming he can look after himself more than he can because he's 7 not 2, fuzzy memories of how they parented you, laziness, and 'back in our day we got dressed at 4am with ice on the inside of the windows and we were lucky to have a hot potato for breakfast'

I would talk to him because he's pulling a fast one. And talk to your parents because he needs more parenting than they're expecting.

Also why are his clothes put out of his reach? That's a simple fix