Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

@alorinkaya did you see this question i asked?

Also why are his clothes put out of his reach? That's a simple fix

Or a fib from a 7 year old. Who apparently can't say 'granny, could you pass me my clothes bag, please?'

I think the lad might be on a wind up.

I'm health care too. I've done it years. Was up for 30 hours last Friday to Saturday, got 3 and a half hours sleep then did another shift
I'm not 'bragging' about it. But it's very usual. A lot of other mums working around partners and when you have swim lessons, party invites, kids with stomach bugs or whatever, it's just life
My work doesn't suffer for it

Not sure why you are getting a hard time about his skills OP. My 8 year old boy does as he is asked and is more than capable but wouldn’t make any effort to request showers, changes of clothes etc. He would love a weekend like that!

Children of that age dont need to bathe and wash their hair every day unless they get particularly filthy. Clothing if not stained, can be worn for a few days. Yes he should be changing into pj's for bed, with a bit of prompting.
Im not sure why today's young parents need to make so much unnecessary work for themselves 😆

The only possible explanation you can come up with the explain why a child would sleep in their clothes is they must be disabled? That’s offensive in so many ways.

I think I'd prompt them with "Can you remind DS to wash and change please?" Hopefully he'll be getting to the stage where he can dress himself soon, but may need their prompting. However, it's a weekend... and you need their help so I wouldn't push it.

Do they do anything at all with him at the weekend? Is he really on a screen the whole time he is with them? Are they aware that he is sleeping in his clothes?

I think you can ask and if nothing changes then you either accept it or don't rely on them and find alternative childcare arrangements.

I am a 'today's young parent' and I agree that a shower or bath once or twice a week is usually fine. The same clothes for a few days is fine.

But... This kid isn't getting changed out of his clothes for bed, so presumably no new underwear each day, no quick flannel wash at the sink. So it's not fine in this case is it

I do get that, but I don't think it's normal or ok just to leave a 7 year old completely to their own devices. Expecting them to get dressed themselves etc is fine and normal but surely any caregiver would help them get to bed, read a bedtime story, check they've brushed their teeth, make sure they're wearing clean clothes.

No I didn’t see, sorry.

This definitely isn’t the case.

He is literally on the screen the entire time.

Absolutely agree!!!

Definitely not OK and I would absolutely raise it with them.

That's really bad. So from a Friday to a Sunday he could be on a screen for maybe 30 hours upwards? Does he have internet access or is it an offline game?

Sounds like you are a good mum doing your best. I think you need to have a calm, semi-serious talk with your parents about what standards you expect if they want to continue helping to look after him. Do they have different heritage to your son? Maybe they need more support being shown how to take care of his hair?

You need to have a talk with your son also about being confident enough to ask for help and ask for baths/showers etc

Pack his clothes in a ruck sack that is kept somewhere easily accessible and talk through the routine you expect from him with regards to dressing and hygiene so that your parents and son can help each other. It’s ok to skip a bath on a night, it doesn’t have to be exactly like how you run things at home but three days without a wash is excessive. Sleeping in the same clothes worn for three days is unacceptable.

Resolve the issue without making it any one person’s problem. You all need to work together, and communicate better.

You are perfectly correct to raise this.

You could do it in a kind way and say you are working towards independence so can they please remember to prompt him to have a wash at bedtime, put his pyjamas on, and put a clean pair of clothes on every day. Tell them you’ll send two or three lots of clean clothes and you’d like him to wear each of them on a separate day, because this is something you are working towards together.

my son was a fussy when he came to live with us after adoption. Three years ago my mother-in-law would make a macaroni cheese for him as this was guaranteed he’d eat it. Now in essence that’s all she will feed him so if he goes for three days, he gets that for three days. He now eats a wide variety of things. I told her we were working towards expanding his food horizons and I told him we weren’t eating macaroni cheese anymore. it pretty much worked without offending anyone!

So he’s there Friday evening until Monday morning?
Can’t you make sure he baths or showers Friday morning. Clean clothes

Then worse case he just isn’t showering sat/ Sunday and he is home again by Monday so you can do then.

Make sure his pjs are in easy to reach space and encourage him to change

He says he wore the same clothes but what do your parents say? Kids can be economical with the truth sometimes.

If this thread was posted about a 7 year old girl who went to her dad's at the weekend and he didn't bath her, let her sleep in her clothes and sit on youtube for hours, there would be absolute howls of rage from MN and cries of neglect.

Yet on this thread we have posters saying it's the kids responsibility??

Mumsnet is fucking weird at times 😂

The fact that you rely on them a lot is why maybe they’re not too hot on hair brushing and changing clothes. Maybe it’s all a bit much. Sounds like you couldn’t manage without them, so you don’t want to risk a fall out.

I would tell your child ‘this jumper is for Saturday and if it’s dirty, wear the blue one on Sunday. Put on clean socks and pants every day and try and brush your hair before bed and in the morning.’ My 7 year old could definitely manage that.

I wouldn’t do anything that could possibly offend them, sounds like you couldn’t work without them.

There are basics that I would expect from anyone looking after my child overnight. That my child is helped to wash, has clean clothes accessible, teeth cleaned/hair brushed, screen time limited, adequate mealtimes and sugary foods limited. Surely as grandparents, who've raised their own children, they would know this is the minimum?! Are your parents elderly? Could they be struggling with the responsibility? I ask because this behaviour suggests, they simply can't be bothered, and it's all too much.

Well it’s not the child’s responsibility is it? He would at least need prompting and reminding at that age and probably everything set up for him eg soap, flannel, toothbrush, clothes out.

Are your parents getting older and just exhausted? That is a lot of childcare and if your son is sitting quietly and not creating a problem then they might just turn a blind eye and think he’s fine. Not good though is it?

I have a family member who was nursing and could not hold down the job as a single parent due to shifts etc. It’s really hard.

It’s understandable to feel uneasy. A lot of grandparents can be a bit “hands off”, but four days in the same clothes and constant screens would bother me too.