Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

OP, I would have concerns about this. If he's not washing or changing his clothes, is even sleeping in his clothes, and is on screens for the whole time he is there, that's not really OK for a 7 year old. Is he even being fed properly?
It sounds pretty neglectful to me, like he's just being left to get on with it. How does this work if you have shifts on school nights? Is he up playing games as long as he wants?
If it was for just the odd day here and there, then maybe it's the price you pay for "free" childcare, but 4 days in a row, regularly, that's no life for a child.
I do think you should discuss it and find out what the problem is, why if your parents are happy to have him, they can't help him to bath and bed in the normal way at the normal times, why he isn't being taken out at all. He needs fresh and exercise even more than he needs a change of clothes.

How long have things been like this OP? I'm assuming they haven't always looked after him like this, no baths, no hair care, no clean clothes so has something changed for them? Health issues?

On the face of it none of it seems like things that would be unreasonable for you to raise with them - different underwear and a clean t-shirt each day and pyjamas at night time - which he can do himself but they've put his clothes where he can't reach them? Why? As for washing daily maybe as he is literally sitting around on a screen all day they are of the mind that he's not "dirty" but yes, clean clothes. And his hair, are your parents black? Or one of them? In which case they should have personal experience of the issues of keeping his hair type knot free so again perfectly reasonable to raise it and even more so if they previously did take care of it.

I'd be concerned about what has changed for your parents to result in these changes in their care for your son.

Lots of posters tripping over themselves to tell OP her child is incompetent. It’s really really not the point. He is not being cared for at all by his own grandparents. he’s 7. Its neglect.

I think they love you so don't want to let you down. They know the sort of care you need would be hard to find and expensive. They also love their grandson. He would find it hard to have other childcare than his grandparents. Grandchildren can control grandparents as they want to please the child and it is easy to think what you do as grandparents isn't doing any harm. It can be easy to give in to a whiny child, especially if, being older, you are tired and it makes the child minding easier. You need to negotiate a reset with your child and your parents. Changing into night clothes. Bath or shower every other night. Less screen time but agreed things he can do when not on screen e.g. drawing, lego etc.
Thank you for the important work you do as a midwife. Talk to your parents and son so that you aren't feeling worried about your son.

Wondering if he throws a tantrum when they try to remove him from the screen and it just gets to hard for them . I know adults that miss meals etc rather than get off a game. What time is he going to bed?

Grandparents rules. Their house. Doing you a massive favour. You either talk to them or you don't.

I would find different childcare. It's not safe for him to be on Roblox and YouTube kids , let alone all weekend.

So if their rules were to allow him to drink whiskey and play with knives, you would still passively allow that? Their rules only matter if the child is safe and cared for.

Generally, when we say that term it usually means a few extra indulgent sweets etc not outright neglect!

A child being left in the same outfit for days (including overnight) and not having their basic hygiene needs met is neglect. Plain and simple.

The most bizarre thing about this situation is that you're intelligent enough to be a midwife but have to ask strangers whether it's unreasonable to be worried about your son being left to wear and sleep in the same clothes for a whole weekend. Of course you should be concerned. Just woman up and have a polite conversation with your DPs.

Is your child's other parent not in the picture and able to have him when you're working nights?

Could you still work if they did less childcare @alorinkaya?
Maybe they've realised that they've taken on too much, loving a grandchild doesn't always equate to being able to provide so much care.

But then it wouldn’t be free for long hours and overnight stays 🤷‍♀️

Any idea of what childcare is available weekend nights?

I think reading through, this is neglect on their part. For your son not to bathe for days and sleep in the same clothes and to be on screens the whole time indicates a wider issue. Is he getting enough food? If you were looked after differently then could it indicate either forgetfullness or something else with your parents. Depression? I didn't see how old they are.
My son is nearly 7 and can dress himself but he still struggles to wipe his bum at times, needs help with his hair and is happy to be on screens occasionally. Most of the time hes desperate to play, create, be outside and get involved around the house. Maybe it's time to change your plans but also try and dig down to what the issue is. Perhaps your parents are also neglecting themselves?
For my son, one grandmother is fully involved, drives him to places and loves doing things with him. She gets him to cook, bake, do crafts and all sorts. She is 75. Another grandmother just does lego and watches TV all day with him. She is late 60s. She never takes him to the park around the corner even. She has anxiety and there is no point in asking but the time she therefore looks after him is minimal intentionally on our part.

If they aren't looking after him the way you know they looked after you, you need to have a kind chat with them about it.
As a one-off, it would be okay. Not great, being on a screen and unwashed, but their house, their rules, kinda thing. But as they care for him for a lot of the time, you need to say something - to your little boy too. He needs to be aware that he needs to wash and change his clothes, giving him a bit more autonomy over his personal care now he's seven. Make his clothes and wash kit accessible so he can do it himself (obviously needs help with the bath or shower, and that's where you need to remind your parents. They may simply have forgotten how much supervision a child needs at this age, or have been told "that's what children do nowadays" and think screens are the new normal. But you do need to speak to them. It may be they aren't actually coping with having a young child again now, but don't want to let you down, but do be prepared to find alternative child care, if your parents need to reduce their participation. After all, they have already raised their child

You REALLY need to find other child care!! Even for half the time. This situation is not healthy.

SEVEN? Thought you were going to say he was 2. If he's putting the same dirty clothes back on day after day at that age, it's on hiim (and on you). YABVU.

@TheOccupier
He doesn’t take his clothes off. He sleeps in them.

So sue me I didn't RTFT. But frankly that makes it worse.

He’s 7. He is in the care of his grandparents. They should be caring for him.

Any idea of what childcare is available weekend nights?

On night shifts presumably her son is mainly in bed so if she can sort the pyjama issue its not so bad.

Otherwise it sounds like she may need to rethink shift patterns etc to be able to use proper childcare. The child's father needs to be helping

FFS, he's SEVEN. The grandparents should be overseeing him and making sure, at the absolute very least, that's he's clean. This is NOT on the child!

How old are your parents?
I can understand you are not only working hard but also trying to manage childcare. Maybe try to be hands off in the evening at home to see how he gets ready for bed by himself and teach him how to do his hair. Do a training camp a few times.
He needs to change clothes for bed and under pants each morning, however if day clothes don’t smell or look dirty they don’t need to be clean on . Maybe your parents are trying to help with you not having to wash them.

Clearly not too bizarre, as many people on this post think it’s perfectly reasonable.

I’m not sure you’ve read the room, OP. The vast majority of responses have been critical of your patents’ care of your son.