Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

Well that's very child dependant. I have 3 teenagers (18, 15 and 13) they weren't bathed every day as kids but now they're older they are self motivated to go in the shower because they don't want to be seen with greasy hair or to smell.

What screen is he using? It's not ideal in any way, but you could use the calendar function to set up prompts for him to get into his PJs/brush his teeth etc. But I think I would ask your parents to limit the screen time and ensure he leaves the house once a day. Maybe send him with alternative activities like a smart game or rubiks cube or art supplies (even if he keeps the screen on in the background)

I do this. The first few times I left them alone I would pop in (we only have a shower) and check and now they’re both more than capable

Of course you should talk to them! They're neglecting him. I'd be more concerned about cavities. You need to talk to them and ask them to remind him to brush his teeth morning and night, and have a wash. He also needs to be changed for bed and changed in the morning into his fresh clothes.

So he is wearing and sleeping in the same clothes. And on a screen all day? Does anyone monitor what he is watching or accessing?

Agree with this.

He's 7. Yes he should be capable of changing himself and brushing his own teeth but we all know that we need to prompt and remind them. If I didn't make my nearly 7 year old brush his teeth every night he probably wouldn't. And sitting on a screen literally all weekend is incredibly harmful. Do they feed him OK?

You need to raise it with them.

How certain are you that your child is reliably telling you what is actually happening? Is it possible that he is being difficult about either washing or changing clothes and the GPs have not wanted a battle?

I would say talk to them about what is going on rather than taking the word of a seven year old automatically. He ought to be comfortable enough with his grandparents to ask them to leave his clothes where he can find them to put them on each day, and maybe you ought to make sure that he can independently wash at least his face and brush his teeth. Then ask them to remind him and check that he's done it.

Im sorry but at 7 why is he sleeping in his clothes? Has he got learning difficulties/disabilities?

Just ask them to make sure he can reach his clothes/pjs and tell him he needs to ask for them!!

I'd speak to them but frame it as not you criticising their care just "he's terrible at remembering to shower can you remind him before bed".

Its dull for a 7 year old to just be stuck in the house all day, do they take him anywhere? Lots of children that age would be going to a sports practice on a saturday morning where they'd be with other kids. Do they take him to the park?

Irrespective of how old they are, they have already done their parenting. They should not be exploited in this way, even if they are in their 40s. They are the grandparents, not the parents. I don't understand why it is OK to exploit one's parents this way.

It sounds like they can't really be bothered to look after a child anymore tbh. I'm guessing they don't actually put him to bed, is he just left to put himself to bed whenever he wants? Otherwise surely they would tell him to put pajamas on?? I'd be mainly worried that he probably isn't cleaning his teeth the entire weeken

My word.

OP Where's his dad? Is he on the scene? Can he do more on weekends? It just sounds like you are far too reliant on your parents. I suspect they are insisting because they know paying for childcare in expensive but you have to put your child's wellbeing first.

OP - you said your son had said to you about this. Was he upset? He clearly feels neglected if he's brought it up.

You are going to have to say something. Screens all day and every day, not washing or brushing teeth, and wearing and sleeping in the same clothes for four days is borderline neglect in my book.
Explain to them that he may need prompting and a bit of help but these things really need doing. Youve said you weren’t raised like this so they must know.
I would also be telling your son to speak up and ask for his pjs from his case etc.

I let her do whatever she enjoys while she’s here, which often that means watching YouTube

Do her parents know this? Lots of children that age aren't allowed on you tube. Mine aren't, I'd be fuming if my sister just let her watch it all day. Have you got kids yourself - are you aware how damaging that crap is

Hmmm... I'd say that if he's old enough to tell you he's been in the same clothes all weekend, he's old enough to have a good go at putting on fresh stuff himself. Perhaps you could put separate outfits, plus underwear, within separate carrier bags? Label them up "Saturday clothes" and "Sunday clothes".

That being said, being a few days in the same outfit won't do you any harm.

Perhaps just a gentle nudge to your parents would help. "Hi! Please could you remind James to change his clothes while he's with you? Lazy little oik will just wear the same stuff all weekend given half a chance! He'll need a bit of help brushing his hair as well please!"

I think a gently-gently approach would be better in this case, rather than criticism. They are doing you a massive favour after all.

How old are your parents? Perhaps it's starting to be time to consider that doing all this childcare is getting a bit much? Especially the overnights.

@alorinkaya how much have you discussed this situation with your son? And what routines do you have at home?

At seven the child on our family would have been well aware of expectations regarding how they spend their leisure time. They would happily watch films 24 hours a day - but know that homework has to be done; that there are books to be read; music to be listened to; an instrument to be practised; swimming, museums, galleries, theatres to be taken to; parties to be attended, sport to be played; baking or cooking to join in with; games to be played; dens to be built; new places to visit … Because those things make a full life and have been modelled by their family. They wouldn’t passively sit and do nothing every weekend.

If you’re showing your child at home how he should be spending his time, he’s quite old enough to comprehend the lack of stimulation at his grandparents’ home. Can he not be persuaded to take some responsibility for doing everything he is capable of, even when you’re not there? Do you send him with books, for instance?

I think you sound a bit neglectful. Kids at 7 do at least need their baths supervised.

OP, I think you do need to speak to your parents. They are not looking after your son properly. Spending so much time on a screen at 7 will be really bad for your son.

Is “good grief” meant as in, I’m a terrible childminder for not interfering with a routine that was communicated to me beforehand, or for not setting strict rules that go against my nature and the given routine? Or is it “good grief” as in, you agree’ “good grief, you’re absolutely right”?

If nothing has been communicated beforehand, it’s really hard to know what’s expected. You can’t just assume that people know what needs to be done at certain ages. I would never have realised that a seven- or eight-year-old could wash and dress themselves until someone communicated that to me. If the opposite had been said, I would know to expect more involvement on my part.

When I was a kid we had a bath on Saturdays, and that was it.
BUT we took responsibility for washing, getting dressed, cleaning our teeth etc probably from the age of five. Parents were around to make sure we did it, and a bit of quality control etc, but we did it, and the need for intervention was minimal. So I'd expect your kid to take his own responsibility and the GPs to be supervisory.
AND I'd expect the GPs to take the lead in ensuring it's not all screen time!

They don't need you to be sat there all the time while they are in the bath no.

A 7 year old is old enough to know to change into pyjamas at night, and to put clean socks and pants in the morning. My kids knew that from age of 3.

Of course the adults in the house shouldn’t just leave a 7yo child to his own devices. Mine needed to be reminded to brush their teeth at that age.

I find it weird that you’re asking if you should raise it with them. Of course you should, they are your parents, not some random strangers. I’m also a bit concerned how much your son is actually parented by you if he doesn’t know to do very basic things at 7.

There's no way I'd let a child in my house sit on YouTube for hours, regardless of what was communicated beforehand. Bedtimes and food and dressing etc , everyone has different routines and rules and that's fine. But sitting for hours on a screen, especially youtube? No way.

Speak to your parents about your son being more independent and ask for their help with this. Rather than them DOING everything ask for their help to SUPERVISE him doing everything and ask them to step in if he can't manage

You've worded this as if it's okay... But it really isn't! Unlimited access to YouTube and noone checking she's keeping up basic hygiene and care routines...its really not a level of care that is OK.