Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

I’m not insisting they are the problem at all.

I have offered many times to look for alternative roles, they have said no.

They always say he is a joy to have, no issues with behaviour etc.

He is sleeping in the same clothes too.

But it’s clearly not in his best interests to be neglected all weekend.

I’d be concerned about the screen time in terms of internet access. Is this restricted?

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

As a couple of other posters have commented, I'd be far more concerned about the screen time than not changing clothes. This is bordering on neglect. Have you noticed any impact on his behaviour and/or schoolwork? There's a lot of evidence out there that increased screen time is associated with poorer concentration and academic progress. If you have rules about screen time at home, is it possible to implement them at GP's too?

I do, but the reason I am asking is to see if I would BU to raise these issues with them. Whether I should just get on with it.

I would be pretty worried about my child if he didn't know how to change into pyjamas for bed at 7 years old. I would start prioritising teaching him how to dress himself.

But the screens I would be worried about / raise with them as an issue.

Do you think they're worried about undressing him and stuff due to safeguarding type reasons?

In that case, no, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to raise the issues. I can’t believe they don’t even encourage him to put his pjs on because that’s weird.
Definitely talk to them about it all.

Maybe it is time to make alternative childcare arrangements........

Surely he knows he needs to change into his pyjamas?

What are you going to do, @alorinkaya?

At seven years old children are really beginning to be sifted into those who will have a successful school career and those who won’t. There’s already a vast gap between those living with engaged parents / guardians who read with them, talk to them and regularly take them out to experience the world and those who are offered nothing but screens at home.

You’re working to give him the best life possible. But these care arrangements are actively harming his life chances.

You need to talk to your parents - and if they are not capable of stepping up you do need to make other arrangements for him.

Raise the issue with them, if nothing changes, find alternative childcare (whether they find him a joy to have or not).

It really depends on what expectations have been communicated beforehand. If you don’t currently have a seven-year-old, it’s hard to know what’s typical for that age. Every parent has their own style too.

I regularly look after my niece, who’s just turned eight, and I let her do whatever she enjoys while she’s here, which often that means watching YouTube. I don’t bathe or shower her or dress her or brush her hair, as she’s old enough to do that herself and values her independence.

At that age, it’s generally assumed a child can manage basic routines like washing and choosing what to wear, as well as deciding how to spend their time. Unless you’ve said otherwise, it’s a bit unreasonable to expect more.

Yes, it's surely your responsibility to teach this.

Good grief … (In response to @browser2025)

Yes. But I also think it’s reasonable to expect a grandparent offering childcare to actually care for the child in the very basic sense of cleanliness (hair brushing) and fresh clothes.

My 6 and 8 year olds are perfectly capable of bathing/showering without supervision, they know what to use and how to wash properly.

Is there anyone who can provide better care than this? Why does he not change his clothes or into pyjamas or wash himself?
He's being neglected in various ways, them finding him a 'joy' is of no use to anyone.

At 7 i suspect they are letting him go on a screen because he's complaining he's "bored" etc
Has he got other toys to play with etc?

It sounds like its not really working as childcare. Can you work when he is at school instead & just use them for wraparound?

Should you be worried about it?

Well when I used to volunteer with a kids club if a child had told me they’d worn the same clothes for the entire weekend including three nights straight and not washed or had their hair attended to then I’d have filled in a log of concern and handed it to the safeguarding lead. Most likely in the absence of other reports absolutely nothing would then happen about it but it is a potential sign of neglect.

Sounds like they don't want to look after him because they aren't. They're just making sure he doesn't die.

No enrichment? No nurture? Reading? Even a movie together? Just on a pad the whole time?

That's not okay and not worth it.

You're missing out on time with your child and he's missing out on quality of life.

Can't you use a child minder and get 85% of it covered by Universal Credit?

If you were using paid childcare you would I’m sure definitely raise issues like this. It should be no different with your parents. I’d be worried if my 7 year old didn’t get into PJ’s of their own volition at bed time though - have you spoken to your child about the routine?

I would want to know if they felt it was too much.

My ex-ILs looked after BIL's son a LOT, as in every morning before school, after school including giving him his tea and every Saturday overnight till Sunday, plus nearly every day in school holidays. He spent a lot of time in front of the TV and you could tell by the way they interacted with him that they found him irritating although they also clearly doted on him. However, they insisted they were fine with it and were fully expecting to do the same with my kids, which was a very polite, no thank you, from me.

You don't go in and check on your 7 year old when they're in the bath/shower?

Check they've washed properly and help them do their hair ? Literally just leave them to it?