Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

@alorinkaya

I think I might start by raising it with them as a question; "I'm sure he's mistaken, but Johnny said he sleeps in his clothes at your house?" and see what they say. Maybe that will lead to a dialogue in which you can say something along the lines of "Maybe if you reminded him to change to PJs & brush his teeth it would help him remember?".

Of the things you've listed I think brushing teeth is the most important. At 7 both my boys needed to be reminded and supervised in brushing teeth but if your parents won't, better a bad brush job than none at all.

But if you feel you really can't raise the issue, then what about giving your son a 'star chart' to take with him. Stars for brushing teeth, wearing pjs, combing his hair, and changing his underwear (at least). Either trust him to be honest or ask your parents to give him the stickers after he does these things.

The hair I leave to your discretion, you say it can't be done to 'self care' level, but why not? A 7 year old should be able to run a brush or comb through a #5 or 6 buzz.

Wearing the same clothes all weekend wouldn't really bother me as long as they weren't dirty or smelly. My now grown sons had 'favourite' articles of clothes (usually sport team or rock band things) that they wore days in a row. I figured it was a 'pick your battles' thing, but I always insisted on clean underwear.

The constant screens is a worry (for my two it would have been TV), but again pick your battles. Your career is 'notorious' for crazy hours and long shifts/weekends/holidays so your daycare options are limited. I can completely understand you not wanting to rock that boat!

As he gets older and more self-aware of personal hygiene I'm sure these things will improve. But for now pick your battles.

@alorinkaya. Do you have a sense of how your son feels about the situation? You say that he mentioned it to you. Was it a “I like going to GPs because I can game when I want and I don’t have to take a bath” type of mention, or did he seem bothered by it?

It’s easy for posters to say that you have to stop your parents from caring for your son but if you are a midwife and a single parent then, presumably, their support means that you can do your job and no childcare means no job. Childcare for night shifts and weekends is not something you can easily get and isn’t easily afforded either.

How is he with these tasks at home? Could you spend a few weeks really working with him on his independence and initiative? Would he respond to a picture to-do list with pictures of pyjamas, shower, teeth and stickers for when they are done? If you could get him into this routine at home, perhaps your parents would support you by doing the same thing when he is there. You could then ask them to help you to keep up a routine, rather than suggesting that they aren’t caring for him properly. I completely understand why you don’t want to offend them.

This doesn’t solve the gaming-too-much issue but it’s probably best to deal with one thing at a time. Your job is important. Sometimes Mumsnet forgets that we’re not all SAHMs and some people need to work to put a roof over their children’s heads and food on the table.

This would be a great approach

As a GP, I'm feeling you're asking a bit much here with continuous days and nights of childcare -maybe they'd rather be grandparents than substitute parents for this amount of time. It does sound like they are neglecting their “ parenting” role , but maybe they are too afraid to admit that it is too much for them. What would you do if they became ill and couldn't do any care? Think of your backup plan, have a serious chat with them.

It's too much to ask of a grandparent that they see their beloved grandchild brush his teeth and wear pjs to bed? Certainly my children's grandparents saw to these things.

The screen time I do think is an issue and, yes, this may be where wanting to be simply a grandparent comes in and OP needs to pick her battles on that and wanting clean clothes every day unless the clothes are dirty or smelly. But teeth, face and hand wash, and PJs at night are hygiene issues that should be done and aren't onerous tasks for the DGP unless DGC is fighting them tooth and nail.

I also agree that OP needs to look to the future since her parents' health and future is unknown. Her son is going to need some form of childcare for at least the next 8-10 years, although once he's twelve (or thereabouts) it's more just 'overseeing and feeding' as he should be pretty independent by then so much easier for grandparents even if they aren't up to 'real' childcare. The problem is that weekend and evening/overnight childcare is scarcer than hen's teeth. Along with researching into that, she may also want to review her qualification and research into other career paths that have more child-friendly hours and any additional training she may need.

AcrossthePond55
no of course it isn't too much to ask GPs who are caring for their GCs that they brush teeth/ hair/ wash/ dress them / entertain them / take them out etc. millions of Gps do this every week , me included, but it sounds like these particular GPs aren't coping, so maybe it is too much for them

You might be right. But then it's up to them to start that discussion.

Although we never used the DGP for routine childcare, they did 'ad hoc' for us when their regular childcare wasn't available and would have them for the occasional weekend, as grandparent's do.

My dad had a progressive neuro disease and when her care for him started to increase, Mum told us that she didn't want to stop having them, but that she wanted to start having them one at a time over a weekend now and again. If we needed ad hoc care we started trying to have each set watch one. I'm sorry to say that we just didn't notice that it was becoming too much for her. It wasn't willful blindness, it was that she didn't want to give up any time with either of them.

I would be saying to my parents that keeping to simple routines that you already have at home; clean clothes, teeth brushing, quick wash before bed and PJs, will really help him build good habits as he gets older.
Then suggest a bath (or shower) the second night, including decent soap products and your regular hair product or hair care before bed. Insist that clothes and other things for your son are easy for him to see and access. Pack a separate ziplock bag with an outfit for each day, include underwear and socks, if the bags come back unopened, you know they chose to ignore your request.
You could take it a step further and FaceTime your son at least once per day while you are in shift, even if only for 30 seconds to see what he is wearing.
Honestly, it sounds like your parents are either forgetful about his hygiene or, just don’t really think it’s part of their scope of responsibilities whilst he is there. For the record, it is!
If they push back, even once, I would make other arrangements.

My granddaughters are 8 and 9 and would happily spend the weekend on their tablets wearing the same clothes the entire weekend including sleeping in them. Of course they need reminding to get washed and dressed and that screen time is half an hour and after that WE ARE GOING OUT for some fresh air and activities.
In your place op, I would gradually reduce how much time your son spends with your parents . It will cost money but it will be in his best interest.

And they haven’t even inherited any curly hair and it’s an absolute rat’s nest in 48hours of no brushing.

It really isnt. It is best to keep on top of the bacterial growth on your skin with daily washing.

I’m not sure much bacterial growth happens in 2 days.

I grew up in the 70’s. People didn’t bathe every day then ( l did!)

No one had bacterial growths on their skin. The skin is designed to protect. Washing it too frequently removes some of the protective oils.

That's why you moisturise.

@alorinkaya I have been at work so just catching up, but not even putting his PJs on, this is not okay and definitely sounds like he is not being given enough attention whilst at your parents. I mean yes at 7 he should know to put PJs on etc but he is also young enough to still need a proper bedtime routine and some parenting and interaction. It doesn't seem as if he is getting any.
You are going to have to chat to your parents and find out what has been going on because of this is normal it's not okay and your DS will be impacted by it.

There's been no gaslighting, nobody was being unkind.
Your faux outrage isn't washing either. HTH

Incorrect.

Our paediatrician said that before children are adolescent and provided they are not working up a sweat or have actual dirt on them, it is actually better NOT to bathe their skin daily. I took no notice, but that's on me.

So at the end of the day they don’t give him a bath, put his pyjamas on, put him to bed, read him a story? And they don’t tell him to wash his face and clean his teeth and get dressed in the morning? Not doing that and letting him sleep in his clothes are weekend is neglectful.
you are not upset about this and haven’t addressed it? !!!

She IS upset. That's why she has posted for advice - and almost everyone has suggested tweaking the arrangements one way or another.

Poor Op. This thread is becoming so unfair. It is hard for a working mum to balance everything and she is seeking to tackle it. Probably already has.

All 3 of my children have stunning skin, often remarked upon as they grew up.

As babies i topped and tailed them, didn't wash them often, chose instead to protect their skin barrier.

No hot water, no smelly shit stripping their skin.
I was surrounded by children with skin conditions.

Research found years ago that children in large families were less likely to have issues because they were reared in spotless houses, and bathed every night.

I cleaned only with hot soapy water, no sprays.
Its worked here for us.

I did have a candle habit, but now know better.

No it isn’t.

Bathing/showering every day is just a social convention. It never really happened before the 1970’s, and people didn’t bathe every day and did not die of random bacterial skin infections.

Every derm l’ve ever seen ( 2 dc with eczema and myself) says it’s better for the skin not to bathe every day.

And as for moisturiser. Yeah I’m sure some oil based gunk is going to replace natural oils effectively for the skins barrier.

It's always happened in my culture. In fact, it was a huge culture shock for my relatives to arrive here and find out people were not bathing every day like they were back home.

If thats the case, why do they give you that soapy oil thing to bathe with when you have eczema and tell you to use it twice a day?

I fail to understand why your relatives were shocked that people who lived in a damp cold country where most houses had no bathrooms, hot water or central heating were shocked people didn’t bathe twice a day. Hot water was rationed during ww2

It’s not rocket science.

The gunk they give you to apply twice a day is an emollient which adds to the skins oil.

The other stufg is used for washing with and is just used when people wash/bathr. It’s never said twice a day in any of mine.

https://www.bristol.ac.uk/primaryhealthcare/news/2025/new-study-gives-people-with-eczema-freedom-to-choose-how-often-to-bathe.html#:~:text=A%20major%20study%20has%20found,any%20impact%20to%20their%20symptoms.

My dermatologist always said it is pointless to use it less than daily because it provides that barrier. That was when I was a teen. Seems she was forward thinking.

Maybe you rely on them too much. It’s sounds like they are proving an awful lot of childcare.