Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

My ex MIL wouldnt even change a dirty nappy on the odd occasion we went out. She would put the kids to bed in soiled nappies. Once time she even got her lodger to come to the nearby pub we were in to tell me the baby needed changing 😡

He can get himself dressed, but his clothes are somewhere he can’t reach and he is forgetful. I’d also be wanting him to wash and his hair brushed

So just ask them to please put the clothes somewhere he can reach as he said he wasn't able to reach his pjs and clothes and wore the same things all weekend. Ask them if they could please remind him to clean his teeth and have a wash because he's 7 and even though he knows how to do these things he sometimes forgets.

I don't understand why this is a big deal. Just communicate with them.

Did he change pants and socks. I’d expect those to be changed as a minimum…

Op this is neglect. He should be bathed or encouraged to, be doing tasks and activities away from a screen and being cared for properly. How upsetting. I would be talking to them and giving him and them a list to check off each night.

If this doesn’t work, I would remove him from their care.

Yes it is odd that he didn’t change his clothes and slept in them. What is odder is that you are posting on here instead of asking your own parents for an explanation. At 7 kids needs routine, prompts and security. I can’t think of a reason why a 7 year old slept in his clothes. If you don’t trust them to look after him please stop using them for childcare.

I would check that what he is telling you is accurate… at 7 could be embellishing slightly…. maybe he hopes telling you things will mean you don’t work the weekend and stay with him. Not maliciously just in an innocent kid way.

Did the pyjamas come back unworn? At the very least I would ask your parents if he changed to his pyjamas and see what they say.

I would expect him have to 1 shower or bath in that time. Surely he’s old enough to do that alone albeit might so help with hair washing.

You're NOT being ungrateful, but I can make you feel better, sadly...

1 time I was meeting DDs dad half way to pick up (which I was only being helpful to do, accommodating) and ended up being early, she was in same clothes and he was using river water to clean her face. I should have reported it, but needless to say , now 16 she has very little to do with him.

I should never have given him any more chances..

Lots of people, especially boys, sleep in T-shirt and pants. I do think they be changed if worn overnight too. I’d also leave his clothes where he can reach. Why would you do that for a 7 old?

Btw, everything was packed for her.
Including the obvious! Nappies, clothes etc. She would have been too young to tell me. Imagine using river water to clean a toddlers face. In fairness her nappy was changed. What a gem of a man

I dont think op is picking at this in the way you're saying. I think the fact its a trend every time the child goes there. It does appear that grandparents are not caring for the child as they should be. And yes younger kids do need a routine, even if that routine involves going to their grandparents house, doesn't mean to say that routine needs to be military style but there does need to be some awareness of the childs hygiene, even if its just a reminder to change clothes or wash/brush their hair if thats what their hair needs. When the grandparents are older im sure they will want someone to help change their clothes or assist them if they need it.

For me the issue is more the screen all that time.

The clothes won't kill him Friday-Monday. I seem to recall a thread on here about not washing dc clothes all the time and I was surprised how many people thought it was unnecessary to wash them daily.

In reality, a sweatshirt or tracksuit bottoms might show the dirt more than a woollen jumper, but the woollen item might be just as germ-ridden, and people re-use them.

I can see getting him to the park might be tricky to impose ( though great if you could) but at the very least 7 is old enough for you to give him a book that he must read x chapters of, and I'd also buy some of those school workbooks that you can fill in (often wipe-off pen) and expect a page or two of that a day. Then at least he's done something to stimulate his brain and move off the screen. I'd just be very strict with him that he is to take responsibility for those tasks - which he can.

Sorry to be blunt but they’re neglecting him and this is not an appropriate childcare arrangement for you son. Perhaps a 7 year old technically could get themselves ready for bed totally unsupervised but it’s bloody tragic that a child that age would have to!! He’s only small, he should have a loving adult seeing him through his bedtime routine and tucking him in, not left to it and sleeping in his clothes, it’s heartbreaking to read. The solution is not to make an infant school age child totally self sufficient at bedtime, it’s to stop this arrangement.

Parents or not, OP you cannot continue to leave your son in their care for significant chunks of time. This may result in a fall out but what’s the alternative? He gets one childhood, this is not ok.

Your parents are neglecting your son.

It’s sad.

They might not be capable to provide him with care.

Kindly OP, but you need tp be very very firm with him.
Pj's and teeth is something my ordinary children did at age 3.
He should be able to do that.
You need to lay it on thick when he is with you.
No technology whatsoever when he is with you if he doesn't get with the programme.
Refuce it anyway so there is some balance and he doesn't become dependent.

With some children they need the push to be self sufficient.
A bit of zero tolerance would go a long way.
I would be annoyed at him sleeping in his clothes.
If they are kind and loving, that is of huge value.
Fix it your end.

Definitely say something, my parents were the same and assumed they were happy on a screen (what child isn’t) they weren’t connecting the dots as to why this isn’t “great” for the child for long periods, if the child is happy. They sound as though they care and want to help and guidance is welcomed in this situation. Say you’re limiting screen time if needs be. Them not changing him is a little harder to understand, but again, communication is KEY here and not unreasonable x

I would bring it up in a nice way.

Just because they are doing you a favour doesn’t mean they should by pass basic hygiene.

Aldo you should be able to raise your concerns to parents who are looking after your children often. X

The thing I'd be more worried about is the screens all day for a whole weekend. I hate it when my kids have been on the xbox for half hour, let alone a whole weekend. Blue light is bad for their brains. Also I definitely say something. Put rules down and if they don't stick to them, look for alternative arrangements as ignoring a 7 year old all weekend is child abuse

In the end the answer is that if you don’t like the way they look after him you will have to pay someone else. Does that answer your question?but at 7 he should be responsible for getting dressed and undressed.

Just talk to them 🤷‍♀️
Maybe it’s just all too much for them.

They appear to be soap dodgers.

You need to raise it with them, hear their side and set some mutually agreed expectations.

If it doesn't improve and you can fund an alternative, you need to move your son.

If you can't fund an alternative, you need to be proactive and visit between shifts to wash and change him or change shift patterns.

As you are a registered midwife, I'd worry that if the school repprted neglect, it could affect your accreditation.

FWIW MIL is a soap dodger and wpuld have allowed my dc to wear yesterday's socks, pants, and stained clothes and wouldn't have bothered about brushed hair either. She was not therefore allowed to be in sole charge overnight or to be responsible for taking the dc anywhere. I never said anything but I didn't need her for formal/regular childcare either.

Cleanliness is paramount for me. I don't care if dc are scruffy or get muddy or paint spatteres but they I think they should always be fundamentally clean and fresh.

In your shoes I'd also be worried about tooth decay/dental hygiene.

cant believe the bun fights and putting the onus on a child of seven on this thread ! Of course it’s blatant neglect. No good caregivers leaves a child in the same clothes for four days . Obviously at seven they are capable of brushing their teeth and getting ready for bed but it requires some adult input to make sure that happens . If they can’t be bothered to even put in that minimal amount of effort, what are they actually doing with him? It doesn’t sound like there is any bedtime routine, how much sleep does he get? Does he get fed properly ?
of course you need to speak to them and see what on earth is going on here.

No one needs to bathe every day. In fact it’s potentially harmful to the skin. If he showers before school on a Friday it’s fine if his next shower is Sunday night/Monday morning so long as he’s brushing his teatime washing his hands and face. When I was a kid most kids had a weekly Sunday night bath (usually shared)

Why can’t a kid wear the same clothes if they’re not dirty

I wonder whether they want to be regular caregivers to a 7 year old grandchild? It’s a hell of an ask.