Grandparents not changing DS’ clothes.

[alorinkaya]

I’m a midwife so work long hours, my parents cover the childcare.

The entire time he’s there he is looking at a screen, literally.

I was on nights so he stayed there Friday-Monday and he said he wore the same clothes the entire time.

AIBU to be worried about this? I don’t want to be ungrateful.

Are you certain that he did actually watch screens the whole weekend? I have two 7 year old grandsons and reckon that they might also say they watched screens the whole weekend at my house, despite having had trips out to the park etc and limited screen time, because that’s what they enjoyed most.

But it seems that they offered , and they do , and if they don’t then they need to say so, not just ignore the little chap for four days !

Sleeping in them as well, for days ? Surely you can see that’s not right ?

I think the level of independence expected of a 7 year old on this thread is completely unrealistic. My 10 year old is more than capable of all of the self care described but is a lazy little thing and wouldn’t change his clothes for days if allowed to wallow in them. My 7 year old is a total dreamer and would just forget! Yes, your parents should be overseeing basic hygiene like changing clothes, and should allow play other than constant screens

Honestly some posters on here.... "At 7 years of age, I was reading the oxford handbook of medicine. The long edition of course."

I wouldn't be at all happy with a weekend of nothing but screen time or not changing his clothes or getting him to wash at all. Are they not able to take him to the park or anything?

The adults that didn't notice he was wearing in/sleeping in the same clothes for 3 days, not washing, not doing hair etc, are incompetent and I wouldn't leave my child with them

Unless your child has some kind of additional needs, they should be capable of changing their own clothes, asking an adult to reach their bag of clothes (what a lame excuse from your child) and from knowing they need to have a wash at 7 years old.

This whole thing is a bit strange.

Yes, I had a dc who had got a new device and at school on Monday wrote that - and only that - in the "What I did at the Weekend" essay.

They were pinned to a noticeboard and made it sound like it was the entire weekend: "On Sunday I did this again." It was half an hour each day!

It is always good to ask children for their perspective, but sometimes it isn't quite the full picture.

Could you maybe approach it differently with them by saying something like “I’m trying to encourage X to be more independent in terms of dressing/ brushing his hair etc, but he will probably still need help with these, could you just supervise those for him? “. On the screens, again, you could maybe say “At home I have an issue with X wanting to be on screens all the time, so I’m trying to put some ground rules in place that I’ve agreed with him. We’ve agreed on XX minutes a day so I’ve given him a kitchen timer for timing this, but again he’ll need help switching it on/off etc, if that’s ok? I’ve sent him with plenty of books/toys/games etc, so he can play with those instead. Thanks so much “ .

It sounds like they are not coping but because they encouraged you into your choice of career and said they would cover childcare they feel a sense of obligation. Realistically would you be able to continue with your career as it stands without thier support? The only midwives I know use parents or other family members, none use paid for childcare for nights and weekends.

I think you need to sit them down and have a full and frank conversation about your son's needs and how they are coping because this neglect cannot continue. If things don't improve you will need to to find alternative childcare, or you need to rethink career options because your son cannot be left like this long term.

What other childcare options do you have available? I wouldn’t be happy with this at all/ him being on screens all weekend.

Whether my 7 year old could or couldn’t get dressed on his own is neither here nor there. I cannot understand why this is the debate.
What you said is your DC is spending upwards of 2/3 days with your parents, never wastes or gets dressed or has any hair brushing and spends the whole, time on screens….. at what point does this become neglect? Why would you send him there?

Well yes. All these people saying don't let the GPs have him but ive not seen suggestions on alternatives

Perhaps it has become too difficult for your parents you say you rely on them multiple times a week, that's a lot.
I know it's difficult but maybe you should think about different childcare arrangements. If you rely on your parents for presumably free childcare you can't really make any stipulations

At 7 he should be able to to know to change into pjs and then clean clothes next days / make sure all in bag /small suitcase so can find easily

I get the hair is a diff issue as Afro and needs more maintenance

I take it you are a single parent and get how hard it is with childcare (I’m one myself and it’s so hard juggling when I work ?

are you on uc ? If so they will pay 85% of childcare costs if ofsted registered

again I get it’s hard finding someone you trust

are your work days always over the weekend ?

The reality of caring for grandchildren is often far more draining than grandparents remember. We’d really, really struggle with it.
OP needs a conversation with them.

In respect of not changing clothes, washing this reminds me of DS at cub camp at similar age. I think quite a few seven year olds would relish a weekend of being grubby and watching screens as much as possible. It’s up to the adults to persuade them otherwise

Completely agree.

What kind of adult, in loco parentis, doesn’t notice or doesn’t care that a seven year old child is still in the same clothes on Monday morning that they arrived in on Friday? Are they not putting the child to bed or waking him up and wondering why he’s not wearing pyjamas? Have they not noticed he’s not cared for his hair? Have they not seen his bag of clean clothes is unused?

The kid might or might not be capable of doing such things himself at age seven (my own was technically capable of showering and changing but lacked initiative and common sense) - but the point is he clearly isn’t doing them so given that he’s still a child the adults need to be stepping in. It’s neglect to just leave him to it.

I have no idea why you are getting so much shit for this post.
My daughter is black and she is also 7, she cannot comb her hair by herself. She does know how to dress herself, however if you allow her to sit on her ipad all day best believe she will do that and not think twice about getting dressed or brushing her teeth.
However you should talk to your parents. Have you thought about doing nights? That way they your child will be in bed anyway. Sorry if you have already answered that question

@alorinkaya does nights. She says that in her op

My 7 year old DGD stays with me regularly similar reasons. She has a clean set of clothes sent for each day she is with me. School day she puts everything on, teeth brushed hair done no problem. Not School day picks from what's been sent, same teeth hair done. On a School day I just say time to get ready, so we are not late. She is very independent. Mum tells me if she needs shower or bath, hair wash etc and I just make sure water not too hot and hover nearby with door closed to bathroom.

My mum does it sometimes. Leaves DS in PJs. Plants him in front of the TV. Feeds him toast. I even do it the odd time, TBF. But she does play with him lots too, that takes all of her energy!

I said Black boys, not girls. We’re not talking wash day and detangling, here. I’m not expecting him to know how to braid. Our boys’ hair is generally kept pretty short and easy to maintain. You know this.

So, I repeat, unless you keep it long or elaborately styled (in which case, this is a choice you’re making), there is no reason he shouldn’t be able to sort it by himself at the age of 7.

It’s also interesting that you ignored everything else in that comment.

Like I said, odd.

If the clothes aren't stinky its not so much an issue, and if he is on a screen all the time I doubt he is getting sweaty.But that in its self is an issue!
7 is fine to get dressed and undressed with prompting. Being expected to manage to remember himself wouldn't be suitable, especially surrounding bathing - at 7 if its a bath it still a supervised activity. Showering, not so much as long as you know they know what to do. Are his teeth getting brushed as well?.

As for the hair...he should NOT have to cut his hair as a CAREGIVER cannot be arsed to brush it. If he was a girl people wouldn't see it as unreasonable to expect an adult to brush - or at least help - them do their hair. I say that as someone who has a boy with long hair and whos MIL woudn't brush it either! But then she also wouldn't really brush her grandaughters.
I would recommend a good detangler and get a brush he likes and go over what he needs to do with him and your mum...

BUT you are going to have to have a convo with her. It might be they cannot manage what is needed, or they are just not happy with the arrangement. But the adults need to talk about it as it affects the welfare of a kiddo.

Also. I get you’re doing nights and then have to sleep, but over the weekend is there no time you can go and see him, in the afternoon before your shift maybe?