DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

strawberry780 · 20/11/2025 02:00

Erns · 20/11/2025 01:35

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

I’d put my foot down on this OP sorry 🙈 as you say maybe in a group setting! But just the two of them!? Absolutely not

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 20/11/2025 02:04

Not just the 2 of them, no...its a bad idea imo

Beekman · 20/11/2025 02:05

Well, you’re not in a position to “allow” anything but you need to speak to him about how you feel. It is possible he has no idea how much it would upset you and would cancel in a heartbeat if he knew.

Also, after two weeks away, he should be dying to get home, not extending his trip.

SunMoonandChocolate · 20/11/2025 02:06

I haven't voted OP, because it's hard to know if you're being unreasonable, as we don't know your DH. Has he ever been unfaithful to you? Has his physical appearance changed much since he was with her, ie, has he lost all his hair, or gained a huge amount of weight, something which might well put her off if she were looking to re-kindle the relationship? Have you seen a picture of her as she was, and an up to date picture of her, in order to tell if she's changed much physically since he was with her? At the end of the day, only you really know if there's a chance he might be tempted. Have you told him that you feel a little uncomfortable at the thought of them meeting up, and if so, what sort of response did you get, was it reassuring, or did it not make a difference? Finally, you can't do anything to stop him meeting up with her if he really wants to, as he could just do it, and lie, so I guess in your shoes, I'd tell him I feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but if he really wants to see her, you can't stop him, so it's up to him.

Thoseslippers · 20/11/2025 02:10

You aren't wrong for feeling as you do but honestly if he's a decent man and you trust him then personally I'd let him.
I let my husband meet up for coffee with his ex when he was in her city for other reasons once.. well let is the wrong word, he's a grown man.. I mean I knew about it and didn't voice any objection.
I understand she was a friend and a big part of his life so when he was in the area he wanted to see her. If he still wanted to be with her he would be. But he's not.. that relationship ended. End of the day I don't expect people to stop caring about people they used to love. I certainly don't.

As your dhs ex lives in a completely different country it's not likely things are going to start up again between them! And imo if someone's gonna cheat they are gonna cheat anyway it doesn't matter what rules you have about who they can and can't see.. because not cheating comes from within that person not your enforced boundaries. It's a choice.
So personally I do not try and say who my DH should and shouldn't see. And I wouldn't tolerate that the other way round either.
We've been together many years and I love him and trust he loves me.
Of course it's up to you how you navigate your own relationship but that's just my opinion.. I'd not be trying to prevent this. I'd understand. I have exes that live far away that I'd try and catch up with if ever I was travelling near them. I certainly would never cheat on my DH and am not unhappy in my marriage.

raspberryberet2020 · 20/11/2025 02:19

You don't want him to, so ask him not to. He will understand completely the reasons even if he pretends not to.

If he insists or gets in any way stroppy you know you have a huge problem.

ExperiencedContractor · 20/11/2025 02:31

They are both married now. If her invitation was to go out with her and her husband, or to go to their home where they would both be, I wouldn’t have a problem. Just the two of them? No, even if I was 100% certain of no cheating, it would still make me very uncomfortable. It feels disrespectful to your marriage.

Derbee · 20/11/2025 02:32

If my DP had been away with work for 2 weeks, he’d be wanting to get home to me and our DS, not extending his trip. And certainly not extending his trip and meeting up with an ex.

I think this is outrageous, personally. I know people often feel pressure to be “cool” about some things, but this is too far for me.

ExperiencedContractor · 20/11/2025 02:34

To add, the fact that he’s asked you about it means he knows there’s a reason he needs to ask, and therefore he shouldn’t even ask or consider it.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/11/2025 02:48

Well he obviously is still invested in her to some extent if he still follows her on Instagram. I'm quite surprised you seem so ok with that.
If he used to live in Paris it's understandable him being nostalgic about being there and wanting to extend his stay over the weekend. But including his ex in his nostalgia is unreasonable. And I think you should ask him not to.

raspberryberet2020 · 20/11/2025 02:52

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/11/2025 02:48

Well he obviously is still invested in her to some extent if he still follows her on Instagram. I'm quite surprised you seem so ok with that.
If he used to live in Paris it's understandable him being nostalgic about being there and wanting to extend his stay over the weekend. But including his ex in his nostalgia is unreasonable. And I think you should ask him not to.

Yes, it's odd, the Insta thing. The coolwife sorority will be along to explain why that's not true shortly (they probably already have). But it is, indeed, odd.

JustMe2026 · 20/11/2025 02:52

I find it weird you extend your stay, more times than I can recall hubby as soon as his work is done has flown back and surprised us all because he wanted to be back with his family

Morningsleepin · 20/11/2025 03:06

I'm so glad I'm single and can keep my friends. What suffocating marriages most you lead

raspberryberet2020 · 20/11/2025 03:08

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IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/11/2025 03:17

Morningsleepin · 20/11/2025 03:06

I'm so glad I'm single and can keep my friends. What suffocating marriages most you lead

The woman in question isn't just " a friend" though is she, despite OP's H minimising their connection by terming her as such?
She is someone he had an emotional and physical connection to.
And he obviously still has some emotional connection to her otherwise he wouldn't be following her on Instagram and wanting to meet up with her.

Sichsehnen · 20/11/2025 03:39

I'm going to weigh in as a French Parisienne woman. I would find it to the contrary strange to not meet up with someone who you shared a bit of life with if you're in their city and haven't seen them for a while. I'm also less wary of exes that I am of other women, they've lived what that had to live together already and they are exes for a reason. later in life we all have pasts. Our pasts also shape us and the people we love. I would also think that the fact that he told you he's going to meet up with her means that it is just "friendly".

But none of what I think matters OP. What matters is how you feel about it. If it makes you uneasy, tell him you don't want him to meet with her because it's making you feel inconfortable. Explain it to him. And if he's a good partner, he'll understand and take your feelings onboard. Do you know why you're feeling uneasy or untrusting?

I hope you find a solution that suits you both.

Sichsehnen · 20/11/2025 03:41

Oh and don't belive the hype; paris is freezing grey and not romantic right now. I can also suggest the most unsexy bars and restaurants known to men (and women) for them to meet up in if you'd like.

garlictwist · 20/11/2025 03:45

Well - do you trust him? If yes then there’s no problem. If no, why not? You have bigger issues. I would have no issue with my husband doing this. He’s been open about it and they’re both married.

Zanatdy · 20/11/2025 05:18

I think banning him from meeting her is controlling. If he wanted to, he could have met her behind your back but has told you. He shared a life with her once, yes they have share some memories. Doesn’t mean they are both going to run off into the sunset.

needtoforget · 20/11/2025 05:32

As a PP said, it’s not up to you to “allow”another grown up to meet whoever he wants to. Of course you can tell you feel uncomfortable with this and see what he says. I personally would not try to stop this from happening. It’s a good sign he’s told you - he could just meet her in secret too if he was up to no good!

Ohmygodthepain · 20/11/2025 05:33

There are plenty of shitty horribly un-romantic parts of Paris op, and in late November it's gonna be grey, cold and miserable too.

My DP used to visit Paris for work about every 2 months, he even once was there for valentine's day which was great....

Would you be as concerned if they were meeting in Birmingham, or Hull? They could shag in a Travelodge beside the M4 if that was their intention.

SageSorrelSaffron · 20/11/2025 05:44

Your instinct is that he knows how to behave. I would trust that.
People can meet for a coffee without it leading to trouble.

I would tease him a little about his ‘date’, tell him to have a nice time and that you were looking forward to hearing about it at 10pm.

If you are feeling pangs tell him afterwards, not to make him responsible for your feelings but so you can talk about it.

anotherdayanotherissue · 20/11/2025 05:56

It’d be a hard no from me. But following her on insta would have being a hard no too. Its disrespectful imo

MsDogLady · 20/11/2025 06:15

@Erns, your H’s extending his trip to meet up for a date with his former love is a very bad idea. I would be extremely uncomfortable (as would my H) and wouldn’t hesitate to express that.

Such a rendezvous could be a perfect storm for an unexpected flaring up of feelings: build up of excitement, fun and intimate 1:1 drinks in the city of their romance, nostalgic reflection of their younger selves, shared in-jokes and reminiscences, mutual attraction, etc. He will be thinking about her when he gets home.

I’ve seen this exact scenario and the results were tragic for both marriages and families. ‘We didn’t mean for feelings to reignite.’

Their following each other on SM has fueled their continued connection and desire to meet. Even in a group setting it would be tempting to pair off and focus exclusively on each other.

This is a window that needs to stay closed.

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 20/11/2025 06:28

Well he could have done it anyway and not told you …

So much depends on context. Was she the love of his life who cruelly walked away breaking his heart? Was it a mutual decision to split after their relationship had run its course? Have you seen the messages between them?

If it is as you’ve described. Two people who used to be a couple but are now happy and settled with new partners meeting up for a drink or dinner then there’s nothing to worry about. You can and probably should tell him how you feel but I can see it from both perspectives. And if it would be very hard for you to deal with then he should cancel. I would have suggested the husband goes with them but that would be really weird and boring for everyone involved.