DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

[Erns]

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

I’d be annoyed that’s he’s been away a fortnight and now wants to extend that over the weekend. Not exactly rushing back to see you is he?! And to see an old flame? Hmm, no I wouldn’t like that. Why couldn’t he have seen her during the week if it’s that important? I agree context is vital here, why did they split? Was she the ‘one that got away’, etc.

"Allow"? Do you own him? Do you decide who he can see?

That's not how marriage works. You either trust him or you don't.

Just no

Just no

If he was planning something illicit he would have kept it secret. Personally I’d have no problem with this - not least because maybe I would meet up with an ex in these circumstances safe in the knowledge that there is no chance I would suddenly feel an overwhelming desire to cheat on the father of my children. And in those circumstances if my partner told me he “would not allow it” I’d be pretty pissed off.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable talk to him about it. But you either trust him or you don’t.

If he was planning something illicit he would have kept it secret. Personally I’d have no problem with this - not least because maybe I would meet up with an ex in these circumstances safe in the knowledge that there is no chance I would suddenly feel an overwhelming desire to cheat on the father of my children. And in those circumstances if my partner told me he “would not allow it” I’d be pretty pissed off.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable talk to him about it. But you either trust him or you don’t.

@Erns I think this just comes down to your marriage and boundaries. Some people do have quite hardline agreements around connections with exes, others don’t. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a relationship where a partner tried to say I shouldn’t see an ex without very good reason. It might also depend on the ex - someone that’s been demonstrably unpleasant probably isn’t someone worth meeting up with, but if someone is generally on good terms with an ex, I see no issue with it. It sounds like you don’t have an explicit arrangement either way in your marriage. It’s nice that your husband has asked you, even though he doesn’t need ‘permission’ as such. Is this something you dislike in principle or is it the particular ex who worries you?

You either trust him or you don’t.

I don't understand why he doesn't want to get home asap in order to see you and the DC

I’d be okay with this if it was a lunch or coffee, less so a dinner date.

I agree it would be unacceptable if it were a date, but the OP hasn’t said anything about her husband suggesting it is, unless you mean date in a non-romantic sense, e.g. coffee date with a friend?

Maybe she means that he’s staying for the weekend in between the two weeks of work, rather than coming home and then returning to Paris. If he’s staying the weekend after the two weeks are up, I would find that odd and unsettling.

If they were the kinds of people who were willing to cheat and wanted to do so this weekend, why would it matter what they ate or drank beforehand?

If he wanted to cheat with her he’d do it without asking but I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to say you’re uncomfortable with it.

Also, since when does following someone on Instagram indicate an emotional connection? That’s so bizarre. I never unfollow anyone unless they start posting things that I find offensive. I’m married but still follow both of my exes. One I have absolutely no connection with at all, and the other I’m still friends with.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. If DP wanted to shag someone in Paris, there's a few million people there, she's no more likely to shag her ex than anyone else there.

Not a cool wife in the slightest. I follow my ex on Insta because he was a big part of my life at one point and I’m interested in how he’s getting on in life - no different to anyone else I follow. There are zero romantic or sexual feelings.

I just met my ex in SF for a long dinner. We are married, have kids. I follow his career, he follows mine. We haven’t seen each other in a decade. It was very nice (although I did remember a little why we broke up- and I mentally congratulated his wife on putting up with this). I also took some gifts for his kids and he brought something for mine.
It was a nice restaurant and a very nice dinner. Zero romantic sparks were re-kindled.

DH also had dinner with an ex last month in London. They are good friends. I like her.

However extending a work trip to see ANYONE is a immensely irritating. I hold down the fort when DH travels and I do not expect to have to do it for longer for a dinner. That’s the unacceptable bit not the wine in Paris bit.

Doesn't matter if he does or not now. He wants to. Do with that what you will.

Far from being a cool wife but this is one that wouldn't bother me. You can express discomfort, but you don't get to allow or not allow it.

I am still in touch with several exes, one in particular has met and gets on with my husband. There is a gulf between old relationships which transition to friendships and striking up a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

The fact that he's telling you suggests he's planning nothing. I'd let him go. Being a controlling partner doesn't help, treat him like an adult unless you have reason not to.

No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with DH going out for a 1:1 with a former flame, but then I’m not a CoolGirl™️.

Absolutely no. Totally odd.

It’s good they’re still friends, much better than if she dived down alleyways at the sight of him, but no I wouldn’t feel right about this either.

Tough one. If my ex was in my city (i live abroad, but moved after we split up), i would love to catch up with him. Would mean absolutely nothing romantically, just someone that I knew in a past life that I would enjoy catching up with. We also have each other on insta and facebook but don't speak.

I imagine though that he would not want to because of his partner, and i would respect that. He was very much like that with exes when we were together. Years ago though i think i would also have felt insecure if the situation was reversed, so i can totally see both sides

I’d imagine it’s a lost cause OP. You know he wants to do it, even if he said he won’t go, you wouldn’t know if he did or didn’t would you? My money would be on him doing it anyway and just not telling you