DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

[Erns]

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

I’d imagine it’s a lost cause OP. You know he wants to do it, even if he said he won’t go, you wouldn’t know if he did or didn’t would you? My money would be on him doing it anyway and just not telling you

I can’t believe people think this. That you can’t even follow an ex on social media. I’m friends with exes on Facebook and follow them on instagram. If someone tries to tell me they had a problem with that, I would find it absolutely suffocating and tbh not healthy.

It 's not controlling for OP to ask her H not to meet up with his Ex.
She has every right to ask him. But of course she can't tell him what to do.
But he took vows to OP and if it is a monogamous marriage then him meeting up with another woman he obviously still has feelings for then if he can't acknowledge that would be a problem for OP and chose not to go he would be showing a distinct lack of care and consideration for his supposed life partner.

It's not a question of " planning " something. I'm sure nobody thinks he is planning on seeing his old love with the specific intention of jumping into bed with her. It's about rekindling old longings, igniting feelings of what might have been and fuelling discontent with the life he has instead of the life he could have had.

How does @IvedoneitagainhaventI know he still has feelings for this ex? I have zero feelings for my exes except for some residual fondness. I have literally no desire to sleep with any of them. They are all my friends on FB as we met at a time in our lives when FB use was common. I think I have one of them on LinkedIn as well. Nothing has to be that dramatic.
Other than I would be irritated about someone extending a work trip for a dinner, if that is what is happening. The rest is all wild speculation.

I get that you would hate for your DH to have a 'date' (it isn't really, is it) in Paris, or presumably anywhere with an ex.

But do you think that is a function of his standards, or of your immaturity. It seems you are jealous of him having a nice time in the company of an ex or presumably any other woman, and want his life to be smaller so that you never have to experience uncomfortable feelings or question the root of your "hate". The problem is all in you, and shouldn't you be prepared to own that you are the jealous insecure one, who isn't even prepared to acknowledge it, never mind address it.

There have been loads of "cool girl" snide comments here, but to offer the flip side. Even if you lock someone up to stop them cheating, you can't control their thoughts. Even if you give a Hard No to them meeting up/messaging/Insta, ultimately if you were secure in yourself, and in your relationship this would be a non-issue; you would be able to acknowledge and talk about your feelings, including the uncomfortable pangs that you wish you could be there too.

I don't think I'd mind. They broke up because presumably they are incompatible. He's moved on married you and has a DC now. He probably wants to show off DC photos to her.

@PotolKimchi
If he didn't have feelings for her on some level he wouldn't be following her on Instagram.
And he wouldn't be extending his work trip to meet up with her in order to have an intimate dinner with her.

This is a strange leap.

I follow a lot of people on Instagram, including exes, and my feelings are that I platonically enjoy seeing what they're up to. An Insta follow does not equal romantic intent.

"Intimate" is overegging the pudding. Is socialising one-on-one always intimate to you? I had dinner with a male friend last week, was that "intimate"? Are married people not meant to socialise one-on-one with anyone any more? That's not how I want to live.

@gannett
I know you have posted on other threads about the importance of your friendships and how your relationship works as regards friendships.

Obviously OP is happy for her H to follow his ex on Instagram. So she is happy for a certain level of contact between the two of them.

But it is OP who feels this meet up crosses a boundary and enters intimate territory she is not comfortable with. And that is entirely her prerogative. She is entitled to whatever boundaries she is comfortable with. If her H doesn't accept her boundary then that is a discussion they need to have.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with my H following his ex on Instagram and I wouldn't be happy with this meet up. But that's me. So we are all different and we all have different boundaries.

Following people we used to know but aren’t in real contact with blurs what was once the line between friends and people we used to know. It’s a window into their lives that without social media we wouldn’t have. So when the opportunity to meet up arises there is some feeling of familiarity.

What might happen is some conversation about what has be gleaned about their lives from social media but would there be any connection to that? Surely it would just be putting more detail to the online story. To reconnect they would probably need to reminisce about their shared history. I think that is always inevitable when old friends meet again after a long gap. And this is where meeting ex partners might become problematic for the current partner who is elsewhere while that reminiscing is happening.

Is not wanting our partner to cosily be wandering down that memory lane with someone who they had once loved insecurity? Even if it is, shouldn’t the question be why they think doing that is a good idea.

Same. But he'd call me after about 1.5 hours just for a chit chat - but also out of courtesy to let me know he's back in his hotel, getting room service and putting Netflix on.

I also have exes I'm fond of, maybe 1-2. I do sometimes wish we stayed friends. It's just history, that past life many years ago. I only have fond memories.

I'm solid with my husband and nothing on this planet would make me break up my family with him.

I'd be fine with it.

Men and women are allowed to have opposite sex friendships.

I'm still friends with an ex and my partner's best friend is a woman.

@IvedoneitagainhaventI It's not a question of " planning " something. I'm sure nobody thinks he is planning on seeing his old love with the specific intention of jumping into bed with her. It's about rekindling old longings, igniting feelings of what might have been and fuelling discontent with the life he has instead of the life he could have had.

That's a pretty wild reach. What on earth makes you think he's going through all that, rather than the much more common, "Hmm I wonder how things are going with Ex, would be nice to catch up while I'm in town"?

People are saying"he must have feelings for her" - of course he does, but it's not a binary distinction between either loving someone or never wanting to see them again. A lot of us care about our exes in the same way as we care about our friends. And that's a GOOD thing.

Lots of people are still friendly with people they dated years ago. Some even with people they were married to. That probably is a good thing about your dh as a person, Much better than someone who has bad relationships with exes.

Given you say you trust him, I don't see what you are worried about. Especially given she is also married with kids.

Yes, this.

Also, some of my exes I was friendly with their families and such, and would want to catch up about that.

I actually ran into an ex of mine the other day as he was back home on vacation. We chatted for a while, largely about the people we worked with back in the day, who he is more in touch with than I am. It was nice.

It is on a weekend in the middle of a 2 week trip. There is no indication of an 'intimate dinner', only have a glass of wine. As for thinking someone must have feelings because you follow them on Instagram, what a poor barometer - do you only follow people you actively dislike?

We all have insecurities. It doesn’t mean you need to criticise people who don’t have the same insecurities as you (i.e. they trust that their partner can hang out with people of the opposite sex without cheating on them). Do you really think people are just pretending to be fine with it to be cool? You don’t believe that there are some people who actually feel like their partner should be free to meet with whoever they like, and trust them not to take it further?

Was this directed at me or the OP? Because if it’s at me, you’ve made some pretty wild leaps and assumptions there based on what I said and the fact that you know nothing about me or my circumstances.

I’d also be a bit hesitant about it, although I might want to be that cool wife who doesn’t sweat it. You could flip it and ask how he’d feel if it was the other way round. Sometimes that puts a bit of perspective out there, and he might decide it’s not a good idea.

I understand your feelings but somehow ‘not allowing it’ might not seem quite right.

It might be best to allow it and keep everything open.

Wow some people are MENTAL. She's an ex for a reason, he's married to you, she's married as well. They shared a part of their life and now they live their current lives. I would think it was lovely if my DH wanted to see an ex and catch up.

As for the people who don't even think you should be friends on social media, I find that quite disturbing. That level of insecurity and control must be horrendous to live with.

I checked my ex's page this morning because his wife is due her first baby around now. I'm delighted for them, it's so exciting and something he has wanted for years. I wouldn't touch him again with a barge pole, don't fancy him, have nothing in common, but I want him to be happy.

surely if they are both now unattractive that would cancel it out? Very odd approach to take.

sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities

You are a bit ridiculous. It's not like he invited her TO Paris, they just happened to be there, it could be Blackpool or Detroit, it's work,

You cannot "not allow" him to do anything, you are not his mother - and you REALLY don't want him to think of you as a nagging boring wife 😂

He's thinking about meeting an ex, you say she's married, they both long moved on.

Either you trust him or you don't. If he wanted to cheat, he wouldn't need to try to impress an ex, he could cheat with anyone and he wouldn't tell you.

You are feeling jealousy because she's an ex, that's human, but chill.

Paris is not romantic it's a shit hole. Nothing wrong with two old friends getting together and having some food or a drink. Honestly I despair at Mumsnet sometimes. The insecurity is unreal. You either trust your partners or you don't

let's not push it, it might not be the most romantic city in the world the OP is trying to imagine, but it's hardly a shit hole 😂