DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

[Erns]

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

I'd ask him why he's asked you if it's OK, what answer he's hoping to get from you and what answer he thinks he should give her.

My husband wouldn't even ask me this. He'd politely tell her no.

It’s good he asked you first rather than doing it behind your back, which he easily could have. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it at all though, especially not for wine in the evening. It may be different for a coffee in the morning.

I'm surprised at all the people saying no. It's a chance to revisit his youth and share some memories. That's it.

It didn’t sound like he’s extending the trip, just not coming back for the weekend in the middle of the two weeks he’s away.

I’m not a ‘cool’ wife, but I don’t think I’d have a problem with this. I trust my husband completely, but if anyone is going to cheat, that can do it in a pub toilet in Solihull if they really wanted to.

I know my husband wouldn’t have a problem with me doing this.

I still follow more than one of my exes on social media and my husband is fine with it. Does that make him a coolhusband? Or maybe he just understands that I’m my own person and trusts me.

I wouldn't see a problem. Is it not nice that he isn't nasty about her but they realised they weren't compatible and kept being friends.

Unless there is a backstory though.

He's there for two weeks and is staying for the weekend between the two weeks.

Ooh look, a coolwife apologist in the wild. I genuinely give zero farts in a windstorm what you two get up to, go for it.

It would be a big fat no from me OP

Isn't it great nobody said that :) When you are forced to use strawmen to try to win an argument, you know you have no argument.

Its a tricky one...I totally get how this could feel uncomfortable.

I've ex -partners from years ago who I feel a fondness for...if I hadn't seen them for years and visited their city without catching up I'd feel sad and dismissive of our shared history...and by that i dont mean romantic history but that period of our lives...the shared friends from the past the times and places we'd experienced. They feel like old friends. I have no romantic feelings toward any of them....when one mentioned he was getting married it made me smile for the rest of the day. I'd possibly extend a trip for a day or so to meet up. Do you think you husband might feel this way about his ex?

So much relies on how he feels about his ex now...has he mentioned enough in passing for you to have a gut feeling?

If my DP said he didnt want me meet up with any of the ex's im fond of, I'd feel he'd deprived me of connecting with my past...but I've probably dropped enough in to conversation for him to understand how I view them.

If I proposed meeting someone he sensed I viewed with a romantic nostalgia id understand why he'd feel uncomfortable and id feel uncomfortable if the situation was reversed.

I think after two weeks working away he really shouldn't be staying an extra weekend, regardless of who he is meeting!

He should be keen to get back to his wife and child.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to tell him this makes you feel uncomfortable. Even if you completely trust him, I would be very upset about my DH having a lovely date in Paris with any woman that wasn’t me. Then let him decide where his priorities lie.

To add, the fact that he’s asked you about it means he knows there’s a reason he needs to ask, and therefore he shouldn’t even ask or consider it
How often do we read here that posters are upset that their OH have lied about something and that they would gave been fine with the situation if they had told them about it.

In this instance, he is not trying to hide it or lie about it. He is being honest about it and you should be too, not trying to guilt him into deciding not to meet her as it could create resentment and he'll do it anyway and just lie about it, but for him to understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable. In that case, what he should do is call you before and after and tell you about it as he would any meetings he had with a long time friend you'd gave no reason to be worried about.

I'd be fine with it.

Haha! ‘You and your husband trust each other to hang out with people of the opposite sex without cheating and I’m going to attempt to mock you for that!’ 🤣

it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities

I think these details have blown it up into something more romantic than it actually is.

I have drunk wine in Paris with a few men. It was romantic on one of those occasions (with DP). It was not romantic on the other occasions (all friends, though one was an ex-fling - not a real relationship).

Drinking in wine and being in Paris are not inherently romantic activities. The romance is something that comes with who we're with. Would you feel as uncomfortable if his ex was from Birmingham and he was catching up with her in a pub?

As for keeping in touch with your exes and catching up with them if you're in the same place - perfectly normal if it didn't end acrimoniously or with unrequited feelings. Exes are the people you have the least to worry about - if they wanted to be together they've had all the opportunity in the world to be. They know they don't work together and they don't want to be together.

I'd feel suffocated if my partner "expected" this of me.

Every time I've travelled for work I've extended the stay by a few days. Work are perfectly happy to pay for a flight on a different day and I get a bonus few days to myself in an overseas location.

He’s being unreasonable, really, but there’s not much you can do about it.

You’re not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable. I certainly would, and I’d say so. What he does about that is up to him, though.

I’d hope he could reassure you, either by not going, or explaining his reasons for going in a way that made you feel better about it.

But it’s a bit of a failure of imagination on his part not to realise it could make you feel a bit weird. Bloody men.

That really is a very odd post.

It's pretty normal to want to catch up with an ex after many years, if you happen to be in their city.

Given that she is also married with kids, I'm not really seeing why it would trouble you too much.

If my partner tried to stop me doing this I world be annoyed and think they were bonkers and paranoid, which is not attractive.

At this time of year Paris is cold and wet and the restaurants crowded so it's not going to be all that wonderful.

That poster was very, very angry on the smoking thread as well last night.

I really don’t consider myself a “cool wife” (eg I wouldn’t even have married anyone who would consider going to a strip bar) but I honestly don’t get the hang up about exes. Maybe I’m unusual but I have exes from 20 years ago as social media / Xmas card friends and would meet up without a second thought if we were ever in the same city (hasn’t happened for a decade). They’re exes for a reason. I cannot in a million years imagine cheating with them, you know all their bad points!

💯

Else what is the point of going to nice places with work. You are a long time dead.

Plus the fact work trips are often knackering and I always need a buffer between them and having loads of home stuff thrown at me.