To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

For god’s sake OP, you seriously need to unclench. It’s a couple of fags and a negroni a day, she’s not shooting up smack.

Repulsive?! Mass genocide, CSA, axe murder...those are repulsive.

Smoking is just an unhealthy personal habit. How old are you? If you're 45 plus you must remember when everyone smoked everywhere?

It's one person choosing to smoke out of the window of their own house. I very much doubt she'd smoke at your home. People go outside.

Yep, I definitely interpret descriptions like "obstinate" and "weird" as negative judgement.

Leave them alone

Literally nobody is saying they've never met somebody and not fallen in love with them instantly.

Your job as his mother isn't to fall in love immediately with his girlfriends, and his girlfriends' jobs aren't to make you fall in love instantly with them either.

Your job is to be polite and respectful to her, and to for the most part stay out of his decisions and let him work out his own life choices.

Did you like everybody in your life the first time you met them, or did it take a little while with some people?

YANBU to dislike being in a house where a smoker smokes out of the window (I can always smell it), but YAB a bit U to come to mumsnet and post about being repulsed by it.

See, it's actually irrelevant whether you have fallen in love with her because she's not actually your girlfriend. Respect your son's choice.

I mean, you're not unreasonable to have feelings about repulsion. If that is how you feel, you can't help it. You are also not unreasonable to think it is unhealthy, cause it is.

But nothing you can and should do about it. Unless she tries to smoke inside your house. You can have your thought privately, if you want to have your son and his gf in your life, you need to work on those feelings cause repulsion is very hard to hide.

Thay being said, repulsed is a big word. I don't have strong feelings about smoking and I do think people tend to be over the top with their anti-smoking. However, I don't understand people who smoke inside but if it is something that bothers me, i can decide not to visit.

I’ve been to Italy/Sicily quite a few times over the last year or so and a couple of cigarettes after a meal and an apéritif/digestif (which negroni is, rather like a thimble full of Limoncello is drunk after meals - they are supposed to aid digestion and clear the palate) is totally part of the post-dining culture.

I am seriously not a fan of smoking - like other PPs here my mother was a chainsmoker and abusive, so I find the smell quite triggering. I have never smoked, discouraged my DCs from it (they confess they have tried it nonetheless) and wouldn’t date my DH until he gave it up. It smells vile and is not allowed in my home or even in my garden. But it is not my place to comment on other people’s lifestyle choices or what they choose to do in their own homes. It isn’t yours, either, and to take umbrage really makes you a very discourteous guest - which many people find more offensive and disgusting than smoking.

At the risk of adding to the pile on of the OP, I think that there is more underlying this than your general disgust at smoking. I cannot quite work out whether you actually have an issue with her foreignness (the comments about her language fluency, the inability to accommodate the fact that culturally she has different customs, etc) or whether you are somehow over-enmeshed with your DS and really don’t want to see him with a GF who may potentially become a wife.

Either way, I’d suggest you do a little soul searching.

Her home, her rules. If you don’t like it……..don’t visit! Simple.

You need to re-do this thread but say you are worried about your son's girlfriend being fat because of the effect on her health. You'd then get the responses you want!

Loads of my family smoke.
I don't smoke , my mum hates it. My dad and my DH smoke. I can't imagine being utterly repulsed and disgusted by it tbh.
It's not healthy, of course. But not really any of your business. It's perfectly legal to smoke.

That's sadly true.

Good lord.

Could your sons health anxiety have been caused by your own anxieties around this? Your reaction to someone else you don't even live with drinking a negroni and having two cigarettes a day seems very extreme.

Well to be fair it's also perfectly legal to pick your nose but many people would still be repulsed by it.

But I agree it's definitely not the OP's place to say anything to either her DS or the girlfriend.

K

None of your business! I sympathise that you felt unwell and probably a bit uncomfortable but beyond that, you have no place to judge her choice to smoke if your son doesn’t.
I genuinely think being on Mumsnet/many other social media’s, seeing all the hyper-judgmental posts makes a lot of people actively search for criticism….
I used to be a smoker and it really, really is very difficult to quit but regardless, that’s her business. Just be happy for your son.

Then don't YOU date her. If your son is content, its not your business.

It is weird that you have started a whole thread on this rather than going 'So glad my son is happy, she is an amazing girl. Shame she smokes though' in your head and moving on. If this was YOUR new relationship, I would get it. But it's your son's, so this thread is really bizarre.

YABU.

I loathe smoking. I struggled to talk to someone the other day because their clothes stank so strongly of smoke I wanted to back away. I struggle to respect people who choose to have such a repulsive habit. My sibling used to smoke out of the window and their room still reeked.

But ultimately it's not your relationship. The most you could do I think is politely request she doesn't smoke when you visit, but of course it's her home so up to her.

Her body, her lungs, her flat, her life. Nothing to do with you. Personally I would never sit in judgment on anyone who smokes.

Haha I was about to post the exact same thing! She sounds amazing! No wonder your son has fallen for her.
i’m more a cuppa and digestive before bed kinda gal but this sounds completely normal for my French/Italian friends. They have a much different relationship with alcohol (and smoking) than we Brits do.

I think you should keep your thoughts to yourself. It's your son's life, not yours. She sounds magnificent and he's happy, that's enough isn't it?

You are very judgemental. News for you, smoking is sexy - sorry. I used to prefer men who smoked a pipe. You don't like your DS's GF for whatever reason. The smoking and the nightcap are just excuses. Leave them alone.

You’ll just have to leave them to it. If she’s st your house then no smoking indoors or out of windows. Outside only. My son smokes (and vapes) and his gf vapes. I wish they wouldn’t but it fall on deaf ears.

Try and separate your views of her from views about her habit.

She's been lured into a bad habit that is expensive and addictive by forces bigger than herself. Giving up is really difficult (but having done it. not as impossible as people lead you to believe). In some ways she's a victim - a perfectly adjusted person probably wouldn't have fallen into that trap.

Maybe avoid going to her flat if you can't bear the smell.