To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

@Reookay with all due respect it doesn’t matter what you think, you aren’t the one who is dating her.

She is an adult and can drink and smoke as she pleases. If she were puffing the smoke in your face and vomiting over you after having a drink then I could understand your point.

If you want your son in your life then please keep your thoughts to yourself.

OP, my lovely youngest daughter was with a man who smacked his lips as he ate. He'd eat with his mouth open and make the most disgusting mouth-smacking noises as he chewed and it was HORRIBLE.

But because she loved him I put up with it. Family dinners with everyone round were dreadful because we all knew what he was doing and nobody could say anything and we'd all try to avoid one another's eyes. Nobody brought it up with her either, because she obviously knew, but if someone has eaten that way all their life then all an in-law's family pointing it out is going to do is alienate them.

So we lived through it for all the years they were together. He was a lovely lad, he'd just never learned table manners and when they split up we all breathed a sigh of relief. But, crucially, nobody said a word about his eating either while they were together or afterwards. It wasn't up to us.

What do you want people to say? She’s a casual smoker and has a drink before bed. Clearly you wouldn’t date her yourself but you’re not being asked to.

In fairness, as a smoker I’d have moved away from the group entirely and gone outside fully.

I do smoke, fairly heavily, and this house is my home. I still smoke outside, and if we had company I’d move away from them too.

Yes it’s cold, and it’s not convenient etc, but it’s also my own decision to smoke and I don’t believe it’s fair to force it on others. I’d certainly never do it in an enclosed space, even out of a window. In public I either go to a designated area, move away from other people as best I can, or don’t do it.

I don’t however accept any reminders or lectures about the obvious health disadvantages, because I’m not an idiot and I know them. My view is that if I’m not engaging you in my clearly rubbish health choices, I’m also not happy to accept criticism for them. My body, etc.

Smoking and having a drink in the evening, is likely something that she's grown up seeing her parents do, and therefore does the same. So yes, some of it could be cultural. Many Europeans smoke, it's just something they do, probably made easier as cigarettes are usually cheaper than here in the UK. I don't like smoking, I have damage to my lungs due to Septicemia, and being in or around smoke makes me cough for days afterwards. However, she's smoking out the kitchen window, in her own home, you don't have any say over that. It's her body and her choice to smoke - she may change her mind in the future, when she sees how much smoking ages the skin. Your son appears happy in the relationship and that, at the end of the day, is all that matters.

Are you the perfect weight? Exercise 3/4 times a week? Avoid UPFs/ sugar/ salt? We all have some bad habits OP. Obviously smoking and having a glass of wine every day isn’t great but none of us are perfect and we all have bad habits. If someone came on here to say they were repulsed by someone being overweight they would be rightfully hauled over the coals. It’s none of your business, you don’t have to kiss her and sleep with her, your son seems happy to, so stay out of it!

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

It's perfectly reasonable to not like smoking, even be disgusted by the smell, I'm sure a lot of people would agree. However, most people wouldn't start a thread on social media about it. That alone shows these feelings go deeper than being a bit put off by the smell of smoke. Your entire post is littered with subtle micro-aggressions towards this women. I'd have a good think about what this is really about.

It is reasonable as a mother to have certain standards that you might like your children’s future spouses to meet

Lol, sorry but 😁

I think judging everyone you meet is a massive red flag. Why would you do that? Are you very insecure?

It's absolutely fine to be disgusted by someone who smokes at home and around food and to be worried about someone who has to have an alcoholic drink every night. It's not sophisticated - in fact, for a 25 year old, it's generationally unusual and rather old fashioned. They are mostly health nuts these days!

Please stop with the judginess about drinking. It's perfectly fine to enjoy a glass of wine a day. No lectures please as they're very tiresome. MYOB.

I don't understand all these posters complaining about OP or others being judgemental when clearly in the middle of being judgemental themselves. They're judging the OP right back and you yourself are clearly judging the PP, calling her 'obstinate'.

Judging is normal, we all do it. We make judgements based on appearance, actions, beliefs etc. You are making a judgement based on what the PP wrote. In return I'm judging you for not even offering token sympathy for the fact that her parents died.

You'll probably now judge me in return. It's just a part of human interaction. We form judgements to keep ourselves safe, to decide who we want to be friends with, to decide who we want to date etc. It's not a character flaw to do it, it's being human.

That is not judging. You can observe behaviour and be curious about it without judging. You can even name and label behavior. That is not the same as judging.

I think you need to get a grip

I'm actually shocked at how puritanical the British are based on this thread.

If people in "tomato Europe" say ever heard this - smoking referred to as disgusting/repulsive/grim, they would scratch their heads at the British....

And the smell being referred to as worse than BO 😬 - doesn't exactly stack up given that people don't mind it so over there, and people generally didn't here either while it wasn't socially unacceptable. While BO universally is (to various extents 😬).

It's none of your business.
It's your son's choice.
She smokes out of the window so it's not like she sat down on the sofa and lit up in front of you.
You know your son has health anxiety (I wonder why), so you shouldn't mention things like the gf smoking and having a glass of wine each night, as this could feed in to the health anxiety and make it worse.
He's obviously fine with it, despite his health anxiety, so do not mention it again.

Wow. I have a son and in your position I'd just be so utterly thrilled he and his girlfriend wanted to include me in his life, host me and cook for me at their home - I can't believe your level of judgement. I dislike smoking too but they are young and if that and the odd negroni are the worst thing about her and her son seems happy then thank your lucky stars they've found each other. And honestly, being snooty about her English when it's her THIRD language - I have no words. She sounds clever, educated and generous to host you and I'd say that rejecting her kindness early on in this way is a seriously dangerous road to head down.

Aren't you judging the OP yourself by thinking the she's insecure?

I think not judging people is a problem that will probably lead someone into many bad friendships/relationships.

Imo it's perfectly normal to judge the people around us. It's how we decide who we want to get to know better and who we want to steer clear of.

I made judgements about my in-laws when I met them. They're generally lovely, thankfully, but I do think my MIL is a bit oblivious to other people's feelings. She went on and on about her recovery from cancer when she knew my own parents died from the disease, one very recently.

So yes, I have made a judgement based on her behaviour. Now I'm prepared if she does something similar again (the first time it made me cry and I had to hide in the bathroom to get a hold of myself).

Two cigarettes and one negroni a day honestly wouldn't bother me. Is DS genuinely happy with her? Does she really love DS? That's what I would focus on.

Her habits arent healthy. I can imagine my adult son would find a gf smoking out if the window very off putting. It’s very stinky isn’t it. I wouldn’t like it either. Maybe the novelty will wear off for your son. I hope he doesn't start joining in.

I'd say it's the very definition of judging. The PP you first quoted had written "I judge anyone for smoking. So shoot me. Both my parents were heavy smokers and it killed them."

In response you said that attitude was "obstinate", "controlling" and "weird". You have definitely formed a judgement about that poster.

Like I said, judging is normal. We all make judgements based on what others say, deciding if someone is kind or cruel or helpful or mean or funny or boring... It's human nature.

Your son obviously finds it sexy! 😂

Read this back to yourself tomorrow, have a quiet lil cringe to yourself and resolve to meddle less.

I hate smoking, I think it's gross. It's why I don't do it. It's why I wouldn't date someone who did. The fact your son has health anxiety and is in love with someone who enjoys the odd cigarette and glass of wine is a positive sign, no? It means his anxiety isn't controlling his life!

I think you should apologise for implying his partner is an alcoholic too. That was over the line.

OP, I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke, and some might find it a strong word but I really do think smoking is disgusting - and don’t even get me started on vaping.

Your son is an adult, so there’s not much you can say to him regarding his girlfriends habits.
my own child had a brief stint in hospital with an illness and was specifically told that smoking would be a higher risk going forwards for her, and that included passive smoking, so if I found myself in your position I would remind her of that, but then have to back off.

the only way to deal with this without causing an upset would be to host at your house rather than go to them, and if the situation ever arose make it clear that you don’t allow smoking in your home - next to a window or not.

the drink before bed is probably just habit. I can’t sleep without a tea before bed, regardless of time.

But as above, that poster is asking whether the OP is insecure, not judging her for being so (at least as far as we can tell from the post)

judging people is normal and protective. But you know that’s binary, that too much insignificant, unimportant judging is toxic. You can’t compare the judgement you make to keep you safe (that person is behaving a bit strangely I’ll keep my distance) to “that person smokes it’s nothing to do with me but I’m REVOLTED” which is clearly at the toxic end

I disagree. I think you’re taking observations as judgement with no evidence to do so and you’re interpreting questions and curiosity as negative judgment.