To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

it works because it speaks of ethics, not situations.

OP, you are being very heartless and unreasonable.

This!

Back yard breeder dogs often need a lot of care because of their health issues. It’s nothing to do with virtue signalling, it’s being practical.

OP knows she is going to end up having to care for this dog and doesn’t want to.

She should be commended for her level headedness.

I think in these circumstances it would be right to accept the dog with conditions - responsibility for poo clearing, walking, costs with DSS and DH.

The kid has suffered emotional abuse so severe he cannot see his mother in person and you want to take away his dog? Absolutely not. Suck it up.

I really feel for the son and I fully support that he needs his dog too but I'm just saying I could not do it. I just simply could not. I find it really difficult visiting people with dogs.

Everyone deserves a pleasant and comfortable home. There are books and studies on how important it is in fact.

And I just wouldn't subject myself to living with a dog, let alone a messed up kid, which he is, and that's not his fault, but the whole entire thing is gulag-level hard labour, and it's not even your spawn.... so it would, regretfully, be a no from me.

It’s about the practical implications of a back yard breeder dogs, many are not healthy and cost a lot of time and money in vet bills.

I love dogs but this would really be a problem for me.

The best you can do is accept the dog but ensure DH and DSS get it properly trained (go to classes/get a trainer) and do all of the care including looking after messes/walks/feeding.

You may grow to love the dog yourself but if not, you’re still giving DSS a gift he really needs by letting the dog stay.

I hate dogs. Can't stand being around them. All dogs. Everything about them.

I think the circumstances you describe would be virtually the only way a dog would ever live under my roof. There would need to be strict rules, intense training and DH would need to be 100% responsible but even i could probably allow this give what the kid has been through. And the thought of having a dog in my house makes me sick.

There are no circumstances in which I would cohabit with a dog.

This child is really damaged already and might go on to be uncontrollable later. The dog could be his only friend. He can talk to the dog and what he says will never be repeated. Make DSS totally responsible for the dog: Everything, even if dog makes a mess or is sick in the night and DSS has school the next day. If DSS shows kindness to the dog then he is likely to be kind to people later in life.

Agreed. OP’s mental health is imprtant too.

She pays for her home to be a sanctuary for her, not a dog.

No, it doesn't work at all, as dogs are not babies.

Fine. DH and SS can do all dog stuff then

Take the dog on the proviso that your husband and DSS are primary carers. They do all the walking and feeding and vets etc.

Team dog

This is exactly my thinking. I wouldn't marry a man if I wasn't willing to love his child too, and you wouldn't do this to a child you loved. As much as I don't want a dog, I'd want this child to have a home he actually feels safe and valued in.

Bottom line, the dh has handled this very badly indeed.

I think what will happen is that the OP will maintain her boundaries and the dad will agree to her reasonable refusal to be coerced and bullied into living with a dog she resolutely does not want to live with. The dog will not be brought into OP and her husband's home.

But then her husband will blame her for any further issues his son has. Women get the blame for a lot, regardless, and are expected to carry the weight, regardless.

The DH trying to coerce and bully her into an unacceptable decision for the OP, out of his own guilt, or maybe genuinely wanting to help his son, means that her completely reasonable wants and boundaries have come into direct opposition with his son's completely reasonable wants and needs.

She is doing NOTHING wrong by saying no. Not at all. But neither is the boy for asking for or wanting the dog.

The DH is another story, he should not have raised the boys hopes (if he did) and should have tried to balance both their needs and wants more fairly.

The reality is that having the dog is NOT essential to the boy's wellbeing. But it would in the short term alleviate some distress, while causing OP long term distress.

In this case, I would take the dog, but I fully understand and support OP's refusal too as unlike so many on this thread, I have empathy and compassion.

I think that the marriage is essentially over anyway, as once again a husband has unfair expectations of the stepmother and is being coercive to the OP ignoring her needs. In this case OP is bright and strong enough to say no. But that's another story.

You married a man who had a kid. You knew what you were getting into, so yes, the dog stays.

Lay out ground rules but 💯 let the boy have his dog

All these people saying take the dog - I wouldn’t @ThickOfThorns is it your house or jointly owned? If rented are you allowed pets?

So in theory, the DSS should be allowed to keep his dog.

However:

If this boy's mother has been neglecting and abusing him, there's more than a fair chance she's been doing the same to this poor dog. If it hasn't had any training or decent care, it could be a massive can of worms regarding behavioural issues. And it could be a large breed so hard to handle.

I would have a serious talk to your DH over this. And if I were to agree to any dog, it would be on the condition that he and DSS feed/walk/clear up after it, you aren't taking even 1% of the responsibility on, and DH needs to sort out a trainer asap. And the house and garden needs dog proofing so nothing of yours gets damaged/broken.

I agree that those are fair ground rules. But we know what will happen if she lets the dog in - and it won't be the man and the boy doing the donkey work. Source - all of human history.

I agree with this 👆