To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

In these circumstances your step sons emotional needs should come first. Please don't cause him more trauma, than he's already experienced.

I’m with your DH too. This kids has been through a lot - why take this away too? Have you no heart? Just make it clear you will not be the one walking or feeding or cleaning up after the dog.

I absolutely loathe dogs. Would never dream of buying one and don’t let friends bring theirs into my house.

But in this particular situation I think your DSS needs have to come first and you need to be the grown up here and put up with it. DH and DSS should do most of the work, but you need to accept the dog. You don’t have to like it, you can think it’s outrageous and you can loathe the ex for inflicting dog on you, but you need to welcome the dog with a (fake) smile and accept it.

I'm sorry but this young man needs his dog.

Pets are a massive comfort esp to kids. Can you talk to your H and come up with something as a trade off for you? idk what that may be but I think it would be cruel to make him leave his dog behind.

Fuck, that's cold to deny him his dog. If I was your DH I'd seriously have doubts about someone not allowing this after all his DS has been through.

He has been fine without the dog for months so I'd just get it over with and say the dog will be found a good home. The last thing you need is a dog on top of everything else you've had to take on.

Team boy and his dog. Obviously.

The boy loves his dog, of course he does, taking him from him would be very cruel to both the boy and his dog. (Since we're worried about ethical dog breeding, this is for the dog's well-being, yes?)

Also, so you understand the seriousness of the emotions involved, if I were DH in this situation, and I thought you meant it, I would leave.

Similarly, my parents got rid of my dog when I was 11. I have never, ever forgiven them and it made me lose trust in people forever. I have no idea what happened to her and I think of her often. You can't do this to a child OP, you just can't.

It's the DH and ds home too, so are they guests? Two against one.

OP you can't get rid of his dog. He'll never forgive you, and neither will DH.

Sometimes you have to put other people above your wishes OP. It’s not about the mother of the child, take her out of the equation. This boy has been through a terrible time and to be frank it’s heartless of you to deny him the dog.
Refusing to allow it is a fast way to a) a very turbulent time with your stepson b) becoming the wicked stepmother and c) husband seeing an unkind side to you that may damage your relationship irreparably.

As do pedigrees from 'ethical' breeders and many dogs from all manner of situations.

She is not causing him any trauma by refusing to be coerced into something she finds unbearable. If indeed not having the dog causes trauma, that lands solely on the mother.

This.

I don't ever want a dog and won't get one for my children even though they've asked (we work full time anyway) but the situation described in the OP is a situation I'd accept the dog in, with the condition that child's father and teenager are wholly responsible for the dog.

The dog may not have been ethically sourced, but if sending it to the pound just to adopt a dog from the pound is ok then what’s the difference?
Unless the dog has issues or is a bully type or something you would be afraid with, then I would rescue the dog and help your dss. It definitely needs to be dss and oh responsibility though.

The person who doesn’t want the dog trumps the people who do.

What happens when DH and DSS start telling her she needs to do a share of the walks and feeding and shit picking. Is it two against one then as well and OP must obey?

And you can’t get rid of something you never had. It’s the child’s mum getting rid of the dog, not OP, but of course you blame the step-mum for the mum’s actions

I really feel for you OP.
This isn't what you signed up for and I wouldn't want a dog living in my home or the associated responsibilities.
I haven't been in a position where I had to make this sort of decision.
Take care OP

It doesn't matter who's fault it is. He's a young boy who has been through a lot of trauma, he does not need anymore.

I don't even like dogs, but if I was OPs husband is put my son first and take the dog, and tell OP she's free to leave if she doesn't want to live with a dog.

Let me correct that for you. The needs/wants of the child come first to the parent, and the needs/wants of OP are equally important to her.

If the parent cannot find a way to allow OP to maintain her perfectly fair and reasonable boundaries while keeping his son happy, he can indeed leave if he feels that is best.

I have a perfectly healthy 'back yard breeder' dog. She's only been to the vet for routine check ups and once for anxiety which cost me £300 for a program which worked. I am not trying to argue, but you simply don't know, with dogs.

Go back 20 years or even less and 'mutts' were so much more common.

My friend's 'ethically sourced' perfect pedigree 'all the papers' dog has cost her more than a house deposit over the years in health issues. You simply can't generalise like this, you have no idea what health issues a dog might encounter, if it'll have an accident or develop a health condition. Life's life and things happen (or don't happen).

This isn't about you. This is about a child who needs his dog after his mums abuse. Can't believe anyone be cruel to say no here. Yabu

Well, no, because back yard bred dogs are more likely to have expensive and time consuming medical needs.

He needs the dog.
How nasty of you after all
hes been subjected to?
Hes 14
Such a tricky age
Set boundaries and enjoy his dog
Poor lad

Regardless, you stated she was causing him trauma, and she is not. OP is not causing any trauma or doing anything wrong.

The father can decide if what his son wants is important enough to end the marriage, of course.

It couldn’t BE any more about OP, it’s her home!

Not necessarily though. A lot of awful people to humans, love animals much more.