To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Yep the ops second point is not at all the ethical point she thinks it is. It’s more like ‘I believe babies have a right to life but I don’t want to help any that actually got born to crappy or disadvantaged parents’

is your dh willing to take care of the dog? If there is some mechanical reason he can’t do part of the care eg due to working early mornings or not then there would be some other household task eh takes on and owns because he values my looking after this dog I the morning, a proper task like he now cooks dinner Monday to Friday and if he argues you say you are welcome to rehome the dog but apparently you thought WE should take on this load.

If a woman if pushed out of her home, in part because she doesn’t think a dog is ‘ethically sourced’, as she feels this is preferential to going with the flow and putting her SS emotional wellbeing first then so be it. Mountain and molehill.

This. I’m team never getting a dog, but I would here.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Dogs aren't babies so the analogy doesn't work.

How could he visit the dog at his mums house when he isn’t allowed to see his mum and social services are involved?? It’s clearly b en a very stressful situation that this child has little to no control over.

Your poor SS. He has already had a difficult time in his young life. It's not the dogs fault either.
Team DH, SS and DDog.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to refuse to take the dog. I also think that if your DH reacted by divorcing you and going elsewhere with his kid, he would be entirely reasonable.

Not because you are unreasonable to refuse the dog, but because DH has to put the needs of HIS abused son, over your needs. A good parent should always be willing to do what their child needs, especially when there's been some crazy abuse in the past. Unless there's some back story about your DH being disabled or something and unable to be a single parent, it would be very reasonable to decide that the dog would be more beneficial to his son than a step-mum and therefore walk.

Who is going to push her out of her own home? The dog police?

Unless it’s an XL bully I would have it without a second thought. Honestly you sound quite heartless.

People are concerned about the traumatised child who this woman has agreed to home. It’s not about the dog

Wow. What difference does it make if it's a backstreet breeder? He is here now and your DSS loves him and has had enough trauma without losing his dog. If it were my son and you said that he couldn't have the dog I would leave with my dss and the dog.

I can’t stand dogs but under these circumstances I would grin and bear it and welcome the dog with open arms. Your step son has been through so much trauma and I think it would be cruel not to let him have the dog. I would make it clear that you won’t be walking the dog but other than that I don’t seee that you’ve got an option. If you don’t, your husband and stepson will quite rightly resent you for ever.

DSS needs his dog. This is not about his mother.

I don’t want a dog and understand your concerns. In this instance, I’d have this one.

They are vulnerable living creatures.

You really think the DH is going to leave home so his son can have a dog he didn’t even go and see?

Sorry OP, YABU and as a MH professional you would traumatise this lad if you allowed his dog to be rehomed.

He would likely hate you forever too.

I think this is a time when it 'isn't about you' unfortunately. You obviously don't dislike dogs. FWIW my dog is from a 'backyard breeder' (It's a long story, I didn't buy her, I rescued her) and she's an excellent companion-I won't lie and say she is without some issues, but some 'ethically sourced' dogs have many issues too.

Yes, but not babies, so the analogy doesn't work.

Agree with this. I think you are too focused on his Mum and not focused enough on the trauma this boy has been through, and how healing and comforting a dog can be. He has been through so much and he wants his dog. I think it’s pretty heartless to refuse this.
You can put rules in place to make it easier for you, but he should be allowed to have his dog live with him.

God knows. I was responding to your post where you said “And pushing a woman out of her own home.” - so you tell me? Is it the dog police?

Agreed. It’s a heartbreaking situation. No, you shouldn’t HAVE to live with a dog but these are exceptional circumstances, and if your step son and dh are happy to look after it long term, personally I’d take a leap of faith. Tell them the dog stays as long as they walk it and look after it.

My DS is the same age and he would never forget or forgive if he lost his dog in this way.
This is what you do for a child, you make sacrifices for them.

Please please let the child keep his dog, this is heartbreaking to read.

What do you mean?