To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Agree with others, this is one situation I’d take the dog.

I think the excuse the dog isn’t ethically sourced, back street breeder is a cop out, the dogs been bought now, it’s a living breathing animal that needs a loving home, the morally ethical thing to do would be take it in and give it a loving home.

And a child that’s been abused having his pet given away after going through so much is just cruel.

fine set boundaries, rules but have a heart!

I have to say, I’m team dog too. Give it go, make sure they do all the work with the dog. Including buying food or walks, someone to look after the dog when you’re all away. Make them do all the mental load for it. But the benefits of your DSS having the dog or far outweigh with the negatives I think.

Yes, it depends on whose house it is tbh. But if the father is determined to coerce and bully her into something she finds wholly unacceptable, the only real solution is that they split up.

Yes, where art thou, OP?

No, please take the dog on. It would be so bad for this lad, who's been through far too much already, to lose his buddy. Don't underestimate please how much good animals can do for the spirit and sounds like he is in need.

Ps, it's not the dog's fault it came from a backyard breeder. Please don't punish the dog for that.

Congrats on your new dog Op.

I would take the dog, but I'd tell them it was 100% up to them to care for it and make sure it's not a nuisance to you in any way.

I cannot stand dogs and would never allow one in my home, let alone have the stinky beast living there. You, however, are not anti dog. You also chose a man who had a child, something I'd never take on as I wouldn't want to end up being compromised like you are.

The boy now has his father more in his life, so that surely makes up for the emotional needs he hoisted on the mutt prior.

I'd really rather exit the marriage than have a dog in my home. I do think the child should be put first.

If you rehome that dog, your dss will not ever forget it.

In your position, I would get the dog, get a 1:1 trainer immediately transition the dog to a good quality diet and integrate him/her into your family - everyone on the same page and make the dog a high priority.

What a dog can do for the mental health of a teen (or anyone for that matter) is unmatched by anything IMO.

Just because the dog came from a byb, it doesn't mean the dog will have problems. Loads of people rescue dogs with shit/unknown histories.

That said, if you get the dog and have a poor attitude towards him/her or consider him/her the responsibility of others in your household only, it could go wrong.

She has said no to the dog, and does not want the dog, so congrats seems a bit passive aggressive, if not downright deliberately unkind.

This, did he muss the dog or visit it when he came to live with you, why didn't the dog come with him at the beginning.

The fact you’re saying that IF you were to have a dog it would need to tick all the boxes you have deemed acceptable means you’re not actually against the idea, you just don’t want this dog. You don’t want his dog.

You can’t get up in arms about backyard breeders, the dog is there already. You’re saying it’s more ethical to shove this one in the kennels at dogs trust for potentially years while you source an “ethical breeder” to get your dream puppy - behave yourself.

You’re being controlling. Your DSS needs his dog, he’s lost enough already.

Your first reason is they only one of any value, the other 2, especially the last one, is punishing the wrong person. Can you not find it in your heart to support your stepson who has lost his mother in awful circumstances - it is a loss, but will also feel like a betrayal and the lad will be carrying a lot of guilt and damage to his self esteem, please don’t make him carry responsibility for the loss of the dog too.

I’m not thinking about the patriarchy I’m thinking about the dog and a traumatised child !!!

YABU to use point two as an excuse, it's nonsense.
You would only want a dog thats ethically sourced but are ok with this one going to The Dogs Trust?
The dog is already here. It doesn't matter where it came from.

I have said yanbu as
at the end of the day you WILL end up caring for the dog, cleaning, feeding and financially providing for the poor thing. And it’s totally ur choice. But. I really would plead with u to give the dog a chance. A proper chance to be with dss and give dss a chance to prove to u he will be responsible. U never know what these two souls have been thru and see together and I would really really dig deep to compromise with this. At the very very least please please take the dog away from the nutjob mum who is prob abusing it too if she can do so to her son, so at the very least take the dog and let dss chose where it goes. But I know u don’t think u want this animal but please find it in your heart to do this really really kind and precious thing. Either way ur dss will never forget ur actions.

And pushing a woman out of her own home.

This.

Poor kid, but I would not have a dog in my house for anyone or for any reason. Not sure what the answer is. Can you find anyone nearby who would want to rehome the dog so the boy can still see him, take him for walks etc?

In your DH's shoes, I'd 100% be prioritising my child and insisting he was allowed to keep his dog. Not only is he his son, but he has been the victim of parental abuse and a lot of upheaval. He needs at least one parent to put his wellbeing first.

Obviously he can't make you share your home with a dog, but it would be a hill I was willing to die on (unless there were legitimate safety concerns around the dog being dangerous).

I love dogs and would take the dog. 😌

But you are in a no-win situation at first glance. 😳 for instance:

1. Don't take the dog, and be painted as a wicked stepmother, depriving your stepson of his dog, that he bonded with and will miss. Your husband will resent you for doing this to his boy, who has already had a shit time. 😔
2. You take the dog and resent it living in your house as you will have to feed it, clean it, walk it and train it etc. You didn't ask for this, yet it will be expected that the dog is another family member that you didn't want. 🤦‍♀️

You are stuck between a rock and hard place.
Have you met the dog?
Do you know what breed and age it is?
Is it fully vaccinated/neutered?
Has it had any form of training?
🤔

I would accept the dog personally, but under certain conditions only such as:

1. Both husband and son take full responsibility of walking the dog, feeding the dog and cleaning up dog poo etc 💩
2. They go together to a dog training class, so the dog is getting proper training. 🐕
3. Son does chores to get pocket money to buy items for the dog, such as dog bed and toys, coat etc 🧸
4. Husband pays for pet insurance. 💰
5. They do not leave you with the dog if they want to do anything together, such as a boys overnight camping trip and pay for kennels etc. 🏕

I am saying this as a dog lover. If you do not want the dog, then that is your right. But if you do decide to compromise and let the dog live with you all, then both child and husband need to step up and sacrifice their time, energy and money for the dog that they want.

I hope you can all come to an agreement 🤝

I dont have a dog. Dont want a dog. Would find it hard but in this situation i would need to do it. It wont be easy and it isnt fair. You are having to deal with her (his mums) choices but hes 14 and needs this. Team get the dog.

Oh come on ffs.

Your first point is valid - however, life changes and this poor kid clearly needs some consistency.

Point 2 and 3 are petty and spurious. ‘Ethically sourced’ - how the fuck do you know that any dog in a rescue wasn’t from a BYB? And to refuse your SS dog to spite your partners ex?

Fucking hell. Grow up.

I’m with the majority and say you should agree to take the dog. And I’m a cat person. Myself. But in this situation I don’t think you have a choice. But DH needs to shoulder the walking and looking after and sorting with kennels etc when you go on holiday - it should t be left to you.

It’s her husband’s home too.

I'm 62. My parents arbitrarily and without good reason took a dog away from me when I was 13. I've never forgotten it, and the resentment/bitterness is still fresh.

Nothing wrong with wanting a pet-free home but this is rather a dire situation; sometimes you have to set your own preferences aside. You weren't forced to get involved with a man who already had children, and the child's needs take precedence over yours.

Of course you have to let him take the dog. Set some ground rules, make him do chores to pay for the dog's veterinary care, etc., but don't take away a beloved pet.