To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

"I would refuse as well because I don't like dogs around me, and it's not your child."

If you marry someone with kids then responsibilities come with the territory.
Having the dog is best for a very troubled boy and should be non-negotiable.
If he was your own child, OP, you would keep the dog.
Please remember you are now his home, he didn't choose to have separate bases, or for the adults in his life to fuck up.
Move on if you're unwilling to put him first in this situation- he needs to be in a home that prioritises him

On a very basic level you’re asking your DH to choose between his DS’s happiness and wellbeing and you. I know it’s more complex than that but I can’t see it going well when you boil it down to the bare bones of the issue if you put your foot down.

If the situation was reversed, how would you expect DH to act? I suspect it’s not in the manner you are.

Wtf? Op has been taking care of the boy because the father works alot. She never said she wanted an animal in her house. @ThickOfThorns Stand your ground- care for the boy but don't bring a Bull terrier in your house.

The OP hasn't given any indication that her husband leaves most things up to her. All she's said is that her husband works long hours two days a week and wouldn't be around to look after the dog on those days. She hasn't passed any judgement on him. The only thing we know is he is out 6am to 11pm two days a week, and 'My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us.'

Everyone is filling gaps - presumably based on their own unsupportive husbands.

I can easily see a world where the dog is the husband's responsibility 5 days a week, and the boy's 2 days a week, because I think 14-year-olds can handle that, with a bit of supervision. My son has been walking and feeding our 2 dogs since he was about 12, for more than 2 days a week.

From the information we have, all we can do is project would it be like in our houses. Only the OP knows whether her husband and step-son could step up.

Me, I'd take on the dog and accept it's my responsibility 2 days a week, my husband's 5 days a week, with support from the kid every day. All the kids, because they'd all benefit from having a dog.

But that's because I've always had dogs - and cats - and can see how they benefit kids generally, and boys specifically, as it gives them an outlet for all of their nurturing instincts that the patriarchy makes them swallow down. My son has always 'mothered' our animals, speaks in a soft voice to them, lavishes them with love, makes them comfy beds and brushes them, and it's a softer side to him that he doesn't get to express anywhere else, at all. He has also always taken an animal away with him to his room if he's upset. There are considerable upsides to having a dog, and yes, none of the situation is ideal - not a bit of it - and it might not be the dog the OP would have chosen, but it is the dog that she says the boy missed when social services got involved and he had to move out and leave his mum.

I can understand why you don’t want a dog.They are a commitment.

Any other time I would support your decision. However the boy has just had his world removed from him
If you didn’t know any different people would think the child should be grateful that he has been removed from neglect. However it is not that simple. The child has life as he knows it taken away from him.
You removing the dog is taking his link to his mum away. It is cruel.

Also, as someone pointed out you would rather have an ethically sourced dog and abandon the one that’s already part of the lads life. Seriously, what planet does that make sense.

sometimes in a marriage you have to compromise. It is more complicated that you chose a man who already had children but his ups and downs with his children do affect you. Maybe you should have gone for a bloke with no children.

The boy has enough trauma going on please don’t add it. His mum sounds cruel and god know what she would do to the dog.

Maybe set some reasonable ground rules.
You never know, you may become fond of the dogo!

Having a teen in the house doesn’t mean OP’s wishes cease to matter, FFS.
it doesn’t mean the DH wishes don’t matter either. He now has full time responsibility for his son, he gets a say as well. He will be thinking about the best interests of the lad

Nope. Not what l’m saying at all. OP is concentrating on his physical and practical everyday needs. This is about his mental health and emotional well being. They’re not remotely the same thing. And I’d say the same regardless of whether she was his bio mum or his step parent. And I’m not convinced she pays for his upkeep if his father seemingly works such long hours.

Having read the full thread it sounds to me that the driving factor behind all this is not the DSS’s welfare or poor dog’s but the bio mums manipulation.

The DSS has not mentioned the dog in 6 months. At that age I would have been devastated being parted, it doesn’t ring true.

Objectively, the dog is better off at Dog’s Trust where he can be rehomed to people that actually want him. Not the OP to whom the care will fall and who is unwilling or unable to look after him.

English Bull Terrier is a type of bully breed.

No Chance would I have that dog in my home! ever.

sounds like your mind is made up OP. However I would say - as you aren’t a dog person yourself you cannot grasp how much good living a dog can do for a traumatised child, or just how much resentment he will feel towards you if you allow it to go to a rescue.
and you’d be surprised how quickly dog will adapt to new rules - bull terriers are clever little things and if rules are firm you’ll be fine.
tbh if I was him I don’t think I’d ever forgive you if you didn’t let him keep it. He’s been through enough in his short life, let him have this.

Loving even! God I hate autocorrect

I would tell your DH that the dog can come on condition of your young children being rehomed first to a home where they'll be safe.

Or maybe @Tikestar he hasn’t mentioned him because it’s too painful?! The OP clearly states how much he loved him.
and English bull terriers are nothing like the XL bully’s, I’ve never heard of one being aggressive! They are lovely, clever and sociable dogs.

And when most likely the son and husband don’t pull their weight 5 days a week what’s up meant to do? Be a by stander to their neglect?

Or does she like all women end up picking up all the slack?

When the son decides it’s too cold
or wet to walk the dog, when he doesn’t want to pick up smelly dog poo. When he has forgotten to refill the water or food. Op just lets it starve and keeps her garden covered in shit?

Or 7 days a week she ends up feeding watering and cleaning up after it while the husband and son deem it a huge success as the dogs great and barely needs any looking after as she’s doing it all.

Very good point

That’s not the point. She’s taking care of his everyday needs, but she’s not considering his mental health. He’s already been through a lot at the hands of his mum and if OP allows the dog to be rehomed, he will likely blame her. Yes his mum did it, but OP could have stopped it, and although his dad recognised his need for the dog, he put his partners wishes first. That’s a hell of a life lesson to cope with six months after being removed from your mothers’ home because of abuse and neglect. There’s clearly a history between OP and her DH’s ex, and it’s getting in the way.

You can’t make SS give up his dog after everything else he has been through.

I can totally understand your reluctance but look at the bigger picture.

But he's been apart from the dog for 6 months, so just how vital is it for his mental health?

At the beginning I was for keeping the dog, but as you have given more information I really wouldn't, especially a bull x, not properly trained and other children in the house. Is there anything you can distract him with? Maybe a really cool but low maintenance pet such as an oxceleto. And help rehome the dog to a good home rather than a shelter, although you may not have to as I think you will be calling the mum's bluff.

Lots of people have been clear on here that it is your duty to take the dog, OP.

Since it is dangerous having an aggressive, badly trained dog around young children, I'm afraid the way forward is clear.

Collect the dog, re-home your kids.

That's the long and the short of it, apparently.

Poor kid. I'd choose the dog over you if I was your husband!

And the other children?

Would you choose the dog over your other children?

Hes "managed" without any decent parenting for most of his life. That doesn't mean he's OK.

It's not about choosing the dog, it's about choosing his traumatised son, who he's already left once.

There is no way I would ever have a dog living in my house, so I get how you feel. However, it's clear your DSS needs to have the dog living with him. I'd be raging at the mum for putting you in this situation. It was a short-sighted and selfish decision to get the dog in the first place, but what's done is done. If you really can't stand it, you'll need to live separately.

Ahh, so the dog can live in the house and the other kids... in the garden?