To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

OP hasn’t been specific abut when and where that was - could have been the day he moved out. His mother has the dog. He is not allowed contact with his mother. Where is the opportunity to see the dog ?

It's not a bloody ' fur baby' , it's a dog.

How self centred is someone that is taking everyone's feeling into consideration, including the dogs? not very IMO

@Rosscameasdoody Yes I get that but OP has pointed out he hasn't even mentioned the dog, so he clearly isn't bothered. He's only started mentioning him again because this situation has come up.

I’m with you on this. Because if this is a deal breaker & your relationship was to fail, your H would not be able to take it either.
The whole shit show will only work if YOU are in the picture.
The DSS hasn’t cared up until now, to train it, & hasn’t really shown signs of missing it.
The XW doesnt want it, she says, because its destroying her house. So why would you accept it destroying yours ?
Its a X breed, but potentially dangerous & there are other kids around.
Its the XW who purchased it, she is the one who now is rejecting it, not you

Absolutely, YABU - you cannot let this poor lad lose his dog on top of everything else.

And all of that ‘information’ has come from DSS unreliable mother, not from personal experience. My point is, that no-one is considering the boys’ needs here. It’s all about what OP wants. You only have to read the drip feed updates to know that the top and bottom of it is that she doesn’t want the dog and isn’t even prepared to try. She’s not averse to dogs, just this one.

No you are not the Ahole here. His mother is. The dog has obviously become problematic and she wants to foist it on you.
If the boy had a close bond with this dog I might think differently about taking it, but he’s not seen it or spoken about it for months.
The bulk of the care will fall to you because you are present. It’s an unknown bull breed and the potential for destroying your house is huge.
I feel for the kid and the dog as the mother is a massive irresponsible piece of crap by the sound of it.
I say this as a massive dog lover who lets my pets on the bed etc, but you will resent this poor dog from the minute it sets foot through your door.

How does not mentioning the dog indicate that he’s not bothered ? He can’t have contact with his mother, and she has the dog. Maybe he’s just accepted that it’s not possible right now. Which is not the same as the dog being taken away altogether and rehomed.

It's never enough, right? OP is cooking for step-son, doing his washing, giving him lifts, paying for his upkeep, buying him gifts.

But none of that is 'OP considering the boy's need'.

It's only total capitulation and obedience by the step-mum that is acceptable.

It really doesn't sound like that at all. OP is happy to have her stepson living full-time with them but she doesn't want a dog that hasn't been trained with a husband that will leave all the care of the dog to her.

I don't think it is fair on any dog to be moved to a household where not everyone is on board with having a dog. They are a lot of work and the last thing a dog needs is to be reliant for care on someone that is reluctant to have the dog there at all. If OP's DH wants the dog to live with them, he will need to change his job so he can be the one doing all the work.

Fur baby? 🤣 It's a dog that he has managed without for 6 months! He's 14. He is perfectly capable of understanding the reasons why keeping it will not be possible.

Why do you think that this 14 year old's wants should trump the rest of the family's needs?

It's almost certainly a staffordshire bull terrier, which have a reputation for being brilliant family dogs. Using 'bully' is wildly misleading.

You'd obviously need to be really certain about the dog's temperament before letting it anywhere near your family, but given the OP has already made her mind up so this whole thread is pointless - she doesn't care whether anyone thinks she's unreasonable or not, and that's fine - however, given she is already very anti-dog, she would have definitely mentioned in her first post whether it was anything like an XL bully breed, and whether it had any behavioural issues that risked her family, rather than dog hair on the sofa, which is the poor behaviour she's listed - climbing on furniture, etc.

Edited to update - I've read back and it's an English Bull Terrier cross.They do need everyone in the family to reinforce the same rules, and decent exercise, but are very trainable.

It's sensible for a man to divorce his wife and young children children because his 14yo can't have a dog?

Your idea of sensible is whatever causes a step-mother the most amount of pain and/or upheaval.

The husband who already seems to be leaving most things up to his wife and seemingly wouldn't be at home to look after the dog?

Is there anyway you can remove the dog somewhere where DSS can visits. I know there is a local animal charity near me that would assist with this, if you can look into if there is something similar in your area?

Honestly I wouldn’t do a. Trial run it’s even harder to get rid of the dog once it’s in your home than just never accepting it.

Once they let’s face it fail the trial run ops let picking up the pieces and dog shit.

I’m really surprised by the voting here. You are an adult, and by the sound of it one of the only sensible, safe adults in this child’s life. If you don’t have capacity to take on a dog then you shouldn’t be doing it.

Refusing point blank with no discussion or compromise does seen very mean. The poor boy has had a tough time by the sounds of it and the dog might prove to be his support mechanism.

Why not discuss the matter with DSS and his dad, get boundaries in place, decide who’s walking, feeding and cleaning up after the dog and set a time frame…….perhaps three months……and then review.

What harm can it do to be a little considerate of a youngster mental health ? He’s young and been in a vulnerable position already, why would you not support him?

And what happened to the two yes one no brigade. That person are an entire household thing not a single person thing.

One thread your selfish to force normally a dog on your husband but here the wife should suck it up.

Thouse of you who are going on about the younger children in the household and therfore are against keeping the dog: How would a 14y boy feel about siblings that are 7, 8 9 or 10 years younger? How does he feel about OP having to attend the younger children's needs as a priority because... well they are younger, less sensible and more needy.
A 14y old is more than capable of meeting a dogs needs... even the unruly type! All they need is help and advice which can be bought in through dog training class.

Even stepmothers are allowed to have boundaries. I’m not averse to dogs, in fact we’ve had them in the past, but the way some people have become about dogs is insane.

I see your point of view, I do. But I’m also a dog lover lol. Is the dog beyond training? My dog was very destructive, I paid for a trainer to come, it wasn’t cheap but it really worked and I wouldn’t be without my dog now.

I do not like dogs ( sorry dog lovers ) for all the usual practical reasons and have for years firmly refused my kids requests to have one.
But even l would take on this dog as a package with your DSS who sounds like he has had more than enough to deal with without being separated from something he relies on and loves .
What confuses me is that although you’re anti this dog …if you could choose the dog-to-order that you would pick then that would be ok ?
Family life is messy sometimes and compassion and compromise goes a long way.

If my partner demanded I accept a dog (that I absolutely didn’t want) into my home or he would leave me, I think I would be showing him the door. Op had no part in the purchase of this dog, the dog belongs to the bio mum, therefore it’s her problem.

Not true - untrained dog living with abusive person is an objective fact. The extent of the damage can be confirmed by the step son.

There is no value in "letting them try and setting boundaries" - chances that DSS and DH will meet the dogs needs are very small and the damage of getting rid of the dog after DSS reattached himself would be much worse.
The only way how it might work is if the OP dropped everything and made herself the main carer for the dog, which is too big an ask and maybe not possible with her other responsibilities. Any other approach is either sneaky way to force her to it or a recipe for disaster.

The boy needs a stable home with adults who care.
He might want the dog, but if the dog isn't compatible with a stable home with OP, it is less important and he needs to be supported through it's rehoming.