To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

This.

For all the posters shouting “take the dog!” AND who have read all of the OP’s posts…..

Honestly, WOULD YOU TAKE THIS DESTRUCTIVE DOG INTO YOUR HOUSE TO BE AROUND YOUNGER VUNERABLE CHILDREN?

English Bull Terrier is a type of bully breed.
HTH
Also, you don't know what it's crossed with? Can be crossed with an XL or whatever...

Or she could allow the dog on a trial basis instead of only considering her own point of view. Put boundaries in place. DH and DSS are responsible for the dogs’ care to a certain standard, and if they don’t comply, the dog goes. And mean it.

If I only had to work part time like OP and I didn’t live in a flat with no garden then i probably would ! I’d love a dog!

Totally understand your reasoning OP. Any dog takes time, commitment, money.

You didn't sign up for this. I wonder if your DH is taking the 'easy option' by agreeing to the dog, rather than facing the situation in an objective manner.
You and your family's life is too busy/chaotic to bring a dog, (which sounds like it has plenty of challenges to attempt to overcome) into your family home.
It is indeed a hard decision, but sometimes we have to show tough love for the greater good.

Is an untrained traumatised dog the right thing for younger children in the household?

Is a tension coming from a destructive dog in the house the right thing for the step son?

If the experiment fails and the dog needs to be rehomed or even destroyed later, is it better for the stepson?

He will never forgive you.

If you weren't open to a dog at all then I could understand you a bit more, but I'd still think you were being unreasonable not to at least try.

His mum is obviously the most unreasonable here.

I feel for all concerned

Yes I think they would, because they are so short-sighted and part of the #bekind to the dog brigade.

Rather than looking at the bigger picture and what is best for the whole family.

If OP took it on and in 6 months time was posting "we took this dog on and it has destroyed the kids toys, poos everywhere and howls all day" the same posters would be saying "you knew it was a destructive dog, you should have put your children's needs first. What an uncaring mum you are"

Not going to lie, you are coming across as very self-centred right now. Your poor boy has been through so much and to deprive him of his fur baby is just a step too far.

Only because of lineage and characteristics, not in the sense that ‘bully’ dogs have been in the headlines lately. And no-one knows what it’s been crossed with, or whether it constitutes an actual threat. A lot of assumptions blocking DSS from an animal which may well have been his comfort during difficult times.

OP, I get what you're saying about only wanting an 'ethically sourced' dog. However, this dog is already born and its situation is now that it needs to be rescued, so I would actually see that as a rescue dog now.

Plus I feel it would really be beneficial for your poor traumatised stepson to be reunited with it.
If you really don't want to be involved, then put some boundaries in place about who will be responsible for its care.
You never know, you might end up bonding with it as part of your family unit.
I hope your stepson gets support for what he's been through and I wish you all the best as a family.

So she needs to endanger the other children and damage their home to run a trial showing that DH is not in a position to care for a dog. Because it isn't bloody obvious, with him being out of the house regularly till 11pm.

Who said the dog was traumatised or destructive ? If the boy and the dog have formed an attachment, which certainly seems to be the case, where would the tension be coming from ?

Also, OP - the person getting rid of the dog is DSS’ mum - not you. Any ire from anyone is to be directed at her. You don’t have to light yourself up to negate her bad choices.

I would on a trail basis and clear rules/ conditions in place. That would include the dog not having the run of the house, DSS or Dad would have to walk & feed it and definitely some form of training! Either a 1:1 dog trainer or training class at local dog club. In essence treating having a dog like any other extra curricular activities for the foreseeable.

By the sounds of it, this is a young dog, DSS obviously has some form of idealistic attachment to it.
Granted, mum is manipulating the situation, but taking on the dog is taking away her ammunition.
The child is 14 and more than capable of understanding consequences, so placing realistic responsibilities for the dog with DSS is the best way forward.

It's why I never ask MN for parenting advice.
All these " have the 4th baby" " take the dog" " do the extra work" posters won't be around when the original poster is drowning in wife work.

Endangering their other children and damaging their home is an assumption - OP doesn’t have any evidence of anything, except the boy’s mothers’ word, and she’s unreliable to say the least. DH is out of the house until 11pm two days a week. DSS, presumably is not. At fourteen he is old enough to be responsible for the dog at least some of the time. Why is everyone assuming that in DH’s absence the dog will need OP’s constant supervision so as not to be tearing up the house, shitting everywhere and attacking everyone ?

It would be a no from me.

No one should be forced to live with an animal if they don't want to, regardless of where the animal comes from. Parents, and step-parents are not actually required to make sacrifices that that make them completely miserable, just because it might make a child happier.

No to the dog and but I would be getting DSS into therapy.

All of those issues are caused by poor ownership/laziness. My reply to that would be get off your arse, clean your shit up, toilet train the dog, and provide it with the correct physical and mental stimulation, and all your issues will go away.

The dog would most likely end up benefiting the younger children, too. The benefits of pet ownership for children are widely studied and accepted.

FWIW, we used to take in "problem" dogs when I worked in/with a local rescue. My children have fond memories of them all, even the one who destroyed a different lunch box every day. They learned some important lessons, namely, put your shit away or the dog will eat it (seemingly the lesson did not stick because we recently had a spate of Apple pens being eaten by teething chihuahuas, again our fault, not the dogs.) They also learned responsibility, empathy, and putting the needs of others more vulnerable than themselves above their own.

There is no reason why an NT 14-year-old cannot take on the bulk of the responsibility for a dog. It would be a good life lesson for him. And there are also other options to look into, such as dog walkers, borrow my doggy, doggy daycare, etc.

More recently, I took in 2 destructive cats who I am allergic to because they belonged to my children's father, who suddenly passed away. I don't like cats, our house was not set up for cats, but rehoming my child's much-loved pets when she was already traumatised was not an option, so we made it work.

The OP said it damages furniture and destroys house items. That's the destructive part.

It's untrained and living with a highly abusive person. We don't know for sure it is traumatised, but it is a very real option one needs to consider when deicing whether to allow it in with younger children.

Yeah, an untrained dog in a busy household with younger childen and cared for by DH who physically is not there can't possibly cause any issues at all...

To be honest, I was on team dog until you said your DSS had only seen the dog once since he moved in with you. Once in six months shows he is not attached to the dog at all so definitely stand your ground on this one. If he had seen him all the time then yes of course it would have been nice for him to keep the dog, but he's clearly not bothered and it does sound like all the work, training, walking etc etc would fall to you and you are well within your rights to put your foot down. Dogs are a big tie, you have to be on board with it, otherwise it's not fair on you or the dog.

I doubt DSS will see it that way. His mum wants to rehome the dog. OP could have stepped in and stopped it from happening, but wouldn’t. And dad went with whatever the woman in his life wanted, rather than putting his son first. He’s had no control and no say in anything that’s happened to him, including his own dog being given away. Sadly, that will be his take away from this, and along with the abuse, it will likely play a part in shaping his future.

I did wonder this myself. Lots of posters falling over themselves to say that the SS will utterly fall to bits without the dog and he'll definitely hate the OP forever, based on not much, but the SS isn't with the dog now and it sounds like it's in a pretty crappy home now? If it's got a chance of going to a decent home elsewhere then that's OK isn't it?

The kindest thing for the dog would be to be re-homed via a reputable rescue, to someone with the time and resources to dedicate to it. This is the viewpoint you need to emphasise to dss and rest of family.