To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Me too. I couldn’t let that poor boy have even more upset in his life.
Id be very clear that the dog was my husband and his son’s responsibility, but no way could I say no.

Thats way too simplistic. The dog is tied up with seeing and living with his mum. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see that his feelings about the dog will be complex or that he hasn't always felt able to express his needs.

A staffordshire bull terrier? Crossed with what?

Staffies make great family pets - they are loyal, and don't need a tonne of exercise. They can be funny with other dogs, but that's manageable.

What's it crossed with though?

You have no idea what the man does. Not everyone can work 9-5 some jobs require long hours and travel. Which is also means better salary they maybe can't afford for him to swap to a 9-5 if he could even get a 9-5 in the same sector.

You sound completely heartless. What a lot this poor boy has gone through, and now you want to take his dog away. Don't you realise dogs are family to people. Have a heart and let him keep his beloved dog. You never know, you may grow to love it too.

Surely this isn't a serious post?

There’s no way I’d be taking on an untrained Bull Terrier cross, Yanbu.

I’ve been in similar situations of manipulation from DH’s ex - I did all the right things against my better judgement, to keep the peace, and it didn’t help anyone. Stand firm.

Sure. With this job OP is still financially supporting his son and providing round the clock childcare though. Doesn't seem like a great choice, does it?

So perhaps it's worth considering how the sainted DH will manage if he dumps the cruel OP, who is now apparently Cruella De Ville and making a fur coat out of the dog.

OP doesn’t say how or when this happened though - was the last time he saw the dog when he actually moved out ? I can’t see how he can see the dog if he’s not allowed personal contact with his mum. And it’s one thing knowing that your dog is at home with your mother. It’s quite another to be suddenly faced with the prospect of it being put into an animal shelter. This boy has been traumatised and has had no control over anything that’s happened to him. The abuse and neglect he suffered must have been serious if there is a court order for him to live with his father and not be allowed personal contact with his mother. And yet no-one is considering his need for the dog.

If this was your biological child you would do this for them in a heartbeat.

@LucyMonth if it was the OP's biological child, I doubt a dog would ever have been acquired in the first place, nor would any of the background situation arisen. So its not comparable

I’m a dog owner and I’m still with you OP - your SS will be fine, talk to him WITH his Dad supporting you, about all the reasons for your decision.
Do some fun things with him - the important thing is that he knows you both love him but in life things aren’t always perfect ( which let’s face it he knows already).

It sounds like you have made your decision and I think its the most sensible one.

I would like to agree with the option to make husband and son do all the dog work but what is the reality of this really happening? Especially as you have said the boy hasn't asked about the dog much and only got upset once he understood it might be rehomed....
It will be much harder to get rid of dog once it arrives at your house.

Perhaps try and get the dog rehomed where the boy can go and see it sometimes until his interest in it peters out.

I agree that saying it's not ethically sourced makes no sense at all. It is a dog who already exists, who apparently needs a new home. At this point giving the dog that is in front of you and in need, a decent home and providing for it's needs is the most ethical thing to do.

She's not feeding demand for more backyard breeder pups.

I have a 4th hand rescue that should never have been bred with awful conformation and was likely puppy mill bred. By giving the dog who against all odds is a healthy and friendly little thing a home I'm not supporting puppy mills. I'm in a small way cleaning up their mess, but so what - they aren't going to do it themselves if I don't, and meanwhile real living beings are caught up in the middle. The same is true for OP's dog's situation.

There have turned out to be some very good reasons why she should be reluctant to take the dog, (including her number one point that she'd be the one looking after it and she doesn't actually want a dog!) but the originally presented argument wasn't the best.

And yes, it would have come across as a more balanced consideration if she'd have ever acknowledged what a massive help and support pet dogs can be for mental health. They don't need to be an official working therapy dog to have a therapeutic impact.

I'm so sorry op but I am team dog. A dog becomes a massive comfort especially for some one whose been emotionally abused. He talked about the dog a lot when he first came to you obviously missing it. I would think he stopped when he sadly accepted the dog was staying put. He is suffering more emotional abuse from the mother threatening to let the dog go. Deep down he must have hoped he would be reunited with dog one day
You sound. Caring person and a good step mum but. if you refuse to allow the dog to come it's going to be devastating for your dad's and although you've done a lot of good work I fear it will be all undone and as well as the awful abuse by his mum, losing his dog will be the thing he remembers most from living with dad when he's older
It's not fair I know. You are doing your best and I understand where you are coming from but I hope you will reconsider 💐

The Cult of Dog vibes are very strong on this thread!
No way would I take in an untrained, cross bully dog into my home where there are other children! Insane!

And maybe that would require a change of circumstances for OP and/or for her to step up more financially. We don't know.

I agree completely, it's not really about what OP does, it's what the boy's father does, and he needs to find away for them to have the dog.

Do the right thing and take the dog.
FFS.

OP hasn’t clarified how she is financially supporting his son. And if she can provide round the clock care, cooking and cleaning, all the running around involved, does she work at all ?

OP’s concerns around the dog are valid, l agree, but she’s only considering things from her own point of view, and not actually the needs of an abused and traumatised teen who likely took comfort from the dog during some horrible times. Her DH’s concerns that his son needs the dog are also valid, but in one of her posts she dismisses them as outrageous. So if they can’t come to an agreement, then his father should do what MN is always urging parents to do, and not put his son’s needs second to the new partner in his life. He should move out, take on the dog and make his son the priority. Because someone needs to.

As a dog lover, this is wrong on every level. The dog needs to go to a loving home. This whole scenario is wrong and I can’t understand why people are basically saying this stressful situation will be good for anyone.

Eh? Explain the jokey part

Oh of course, a woman HAS to take on everything that everyone else wants. Her H, step-son, stepson's mum and even the dog. Rather than have her own opinions and choices. Even though we all know it is her that will end up looking after the dog and clearing up its mess along with everything else.

Gotcha

English Bull Terrier Cross. Not ‘bully dog’.

How is her saying that either you take the dog or it goes to DT manipulation for contact?

Given that no contact is court ordered, it would be you or DH collecting the dog (sans child) or her taking the dog to DT with none of you involved.

Surely if she was using the dog as manipulation for contact, she would very much keep him and it would be all "Oh dog misses you so much, come over and visit him, facetime him on the phone," etc etc?

I'm sure she is probably using dog for manipulation all the same, but I don't think it's for contact, or comparable with the cats and rabbits. I also think that it's daft saying the dog is a reminder of her - living with and parenting DSS and dealing with her fuckery is surely the biggest daily reminder of her!

Even the un-ethically sourced, non-health tested Heinz 57 dogs can be wonderful. I have one that is from an accidental farm litter that included very close in-breeding. She was the easiest puppy out of the three that I've had, the most laidback, and the best and most enthusiastic worker. If I ever have another dog, I'd be looking for one with a personality like hers.

Thus, I'm with your DSS and the dog on this one!

If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.

I understand your reservation about taking on a dog, but this is bullshit. There is absolutely nothing ethical about discarding an existing dog in order to replace it with a more "ethical" one.

Also, you're hinting that you might take on a different dog, later in life, under different circumstances. Think on that. If you do reject this dog (not unreasonably), it will be awkward at best to then get a dog a few years later. Your DSS may see that and hate you forever.

Just to add, I still think you have a legitimate reason to reject the dog if you're the one going to be looking after it. Just beware of the reasons above, lest they bite you.