To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I'm glad you asked me that. Granted OP should not have drip fed, but the fact remains that the stupidity continued even after she provided more information.

It's an untrained dog of uncertain breed with the potential to cause significant damage, in a house where there are younger children. It's grossly irresponsible. OP would have to take on a good deal of the responsibility for it, no getting round that one, when she's shown no indication of having the bandwidth. It's never a good idea to take on a challenging dog if you're not willing and able to do so. And yet multiple posters thought it realistic to insist that DH and DSS do all the work, with no thought of the working hours or practicalities. If, as is a possibility, the dog is unsafe around the younger children and has to be rehomed, it's worse for all parties for that to be later- multiple moves are bad for dogs. There are a number of posters styling themselves as pro dog, but this isn't a suitable enviromment. The poster who pointed out what would happen if OP is berated into taking in this dog, it attacks one of the kids and she comes on here to post about it in a few months were right on the money. It's a completely impractical idea, and a family in OPs situation cannot afford that.

But as is common on MN when stepmothers and dogs are concerned, some people heard a klaxon go off and lost the run of themselves.

Cocker spaniels can suffer from Sudden Rage Syndrome too. Some breeds are more likely to have the condition. But you would notice this by the time they are around two. After that, it’s usually something medical (ie tumour ) that is causing it.

Realistically is there any difference? Does it matter? DSS said it is his dog. His mother says at one point the idea was it was to be a family dog. But from day 1 it slept on DSS’s bed and was obviously “his” and so from then on it was decided to be DSS’s. You make a big fuss about how you’ve been mislead, the story change, it wasn’t bought just for DSS, but for months or years it was DSS’s alone. The story hasn’t changed or been misrepresented, there are just small additional facts but the crux of the issue is that it is DSS’s dog.

So. What. Difference. Does. It. Make?

Also, dogs can me trained. You dont have to resign yourself to every destructive behaviour the dog currently displays.

I have seen a very good test for this. A woman said the family could have a dog if they did certain tasks consistently for 30 days. The husband and children had to manage it between them. They simply didn't do it, individually or as a unit, for more than two weeks. Similarly, if you get up every day and walk for 45 minutes before leaving for school and after plus wash up once a day (in lieu of cleaning dog dishes) then you are responsible enough for a dog. If he can pass a test like that then stepson really wants the dog.

Answered the first post, removed after reading the drip feed. Poor boy.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil
Absolutely agree with this course of action.
They should separate, as obviously everyone thinks that DSS will be better off with his father and dog and contribution from his mother.
Rather than including the OP stepmum but no dog.
Bonus she will be able to stop being an indentured servant to them.

This. No-one is actually parenting here. All parties are too wrapped up in what they want to consider a traumatised child who has clearly suffered. The boy’s father clearly wants what’s best for his son, but he needs to help facilitate it, rather than leave it all to OP. And OP needs to make DSS’s needs more of a priority than her own in this situation. Yes his mother is manipulative, but in this situation, OP winning doesn’t help the child.

Why does his needs come above OP and the other children in the house?

She has quite rightly provided him with a safe, caring home.

She doesn't need to extend that to a dog that we all know SHE will end up being responsible for, not her SS.

Team NO Dog

I entirely disagree that no one is parenting. OP is parenting.

Well the solution is surely that DH and DSS commit to the care of the dog. I think you can set boundaries too about where the dog goes and not begging for food at the table etc.

Dh and DSS could take it to dog training together.

Mmm, obviously it'll be a piece of piss for DH to take over financial responsibility for DSS and fund a whole household solo, especially if he needs to change his job in order to avoid leaving his 14 year old home alone until nearly midnight for part of the week. And more upheaval will be just the thing.

This is a fair trial, excellent advice

My view is that the dog needs to be with DH and DSS. Whether you do is up to you.

It doesn't really matter if step mum is being manipulative, DSS has had a horrible childhood already and losing his dog will be an overwhelming memory in that, even if the dog actually hasn't been that important to him until now. He'll still remember that his father put a woman before him, resulting in him losing, what he'll remember as, the one thing that cared about him.

That breed or cross breed would be an issue for me.

This has to be a family decision with everyone, including the other dc, as it impacts everyone.

should a decision be made to take on the dog, a plan would need to be put in place to address the dogs behaviour to give it every chance of success. It should also be agreed how the dog would be looked after, not just dumped on the OP. Boundaries & expectations need to be explicitly agreed.

This. MN is odd sometimes. Most step parenting threads hold the welfare of the child as the most important thing. It appears not to be the case here, particularly odd as that stepchild has been abused and neglected at the hands of the absent parent.

DSS saw the dog after he was not allowed to see his mum. The reason why he likely hasn’t seen his dog again is because he hasn’t asked. If he wanted to see the dog again he would have said.

OP said he barely mentions the dog.

If this was your biological child you would do this for them in a heartbeat.

God, as a parent I am constantly living in circumstances I wouldn’t chose if I didn’t have children, but I do have children so I put them first. & my children aren’t going through a traumatic experience.

I go on holidays I wouldn’t choose if it weren’t for the kids. I live in a different house to the one I’d chose for myself if it wasn’t for the kids. Car. Clothes. What I do at the weekends. All done with the kids in mind. Let your poor step son have his dog.

OP appears to be more concerned about not letting the boy’s mother manipulate the situation. I wouldn’t normally disagree with that, but in this case the boy is in the middle and will be the loser because it means his dog being rehomed.

Maybe that’s because, oh I duno, he’s going through a horrible trauma where he can’t see his Mum anymore? So perhaps the dog hasn’t been at the forefront of his mind perhaps? But being confronted with never seeing the dog again it’s upsetting? You know, normal human emotions?

I disagree. That's not her only consideration and I think she has done enough for her DSS, way more than his actual parents have done.

You can train older dogs. You could take on the dog and if it really doesn't work out, then it has to be rehomed. You could give the dog a chance.

You just don't want to. And that's fine, but I do think you are being very unreasonable.

Not to not want it. It's a ballache.

But because the kid really has been through a lot, and we go through ballaches for our kids. And because your reasons seem to be about not letting his mum 'win', which just means the poor boy loses, again.

Op might have done "enough", but his father hasn't.

Oh so agree. So maybe he should find a job that allows him to be around more for his DS.

I didn’t say it was her only consideration, but from her posts it’s certainly a significant one.