To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

From your OP Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us.

So presumably you only found out the dog wasn’t actually his after you had posted this.

You said ‘Yep the ops second point is not at all the ethical point she thinks it is. It’s more like ‘I believe babies have a right to life but I don’t want to help any that actually got born to crappy or disadvantaged parents’’

Which is ridiculous. What is not wanting a back yard breeder dog without a history of what it has been bred with and what dangers that might pose got to do with a baby?

The people who are saying OP should be divorced and removed from the family home are trying to convince us they are caring dog lovers. It’s bizarre.

If OP married a man with a child then she should have been prepared for any and every eventuality. Yes, step mums should have a say, of course. But OP’s attitude is my way or the highway. Which is equally unworkable.

That does tend to happen with dogs, OP. Our family dog is "my dog." He bonded most strongly with me as I spend the most time with him. One of DD's chihuahuas is my baby, and I don't like chihuahuas as a rule, but this one adopted me. When DD moves out and takes "her" chihuahuas with her, this one is staying with me. DD can prise him out of my cold, dead hands.

You need to forget your issues with the stepmother and focus on the welfare of DSS.

What does destroying household objects look like? Because there is a massive difference between chewing the corners off the dining table, because it was not provided with suitable teething toys or eating the gussets out of everyone's knickers, because the laundry basket was not put away, and eating an entire kitchen lino and all the kitchen baseboards, because it was left alone for half an hour. One is easily solved with Nyla bones and yak chews and putting your shit away, the other will require more extensive training.

No chance I would be taking this dog on. huge amount of manipulation and it will all fall on you to clear up.

Dog will have to be rehomed.

Ridiculous!

You could at least give it a try. You don't know that it won't work unless you do. Use stair gates to keep the dog away from children while unsupervised. DSD is old enough to feed, walk and pick up after the dog.

You haven't really said what DH proposes other than him wanting to take the dog. What has he said in response to the problems you have listed? I assume he is also a responsible parent who would take all of his children's needs and safety into account?

Everyone has concerns about getting a pet, but they can be discussed and possibly worked through.

It's not about his Mums manipulation. It's about him. Saying whether the dog was bought for him or the family isn't a fact that is outing in regards to child protection or not wanting anyone to recognise who you are discussing. However it has become his dog, it is his dog.

Just because you are a step mum doesn't mean you have to prepare yourself to take on someone else's dog! The child yes but not DSS dog because she cant be bothered anymore.

Agree, but l have to say l don’t think it’s particularly ‘ethical’ to hand in an existing animal to be rehomed in this specific way. OP doesn’t seem to have an objection to dogs in general, just this one.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much

What has your DH changed about his life to support his traumatized son?
Has he started looking for a new job so no more long days away from home?
Has he engaged with family therapy to support his son?
What would your DH have done to support his son if he didn't have you or another woman to parent his child?

I feel great emphaty for this young lad that has had his world upended, but that doesn't mean your DH get to nominate you to have another job in caring for this dog. Your DH needs to contact other family members or friends to take this dog on, his son can still have time with the dog and you won't have the stress of more caring work enforced on you.

DSS saw the dog once in 6 months and now barely mentions him. So he’s hardly that attached.to it.

If the dog does join the household, DSS will likely be happy for a few weeks and then gradually stop caring for it and OP will have to pick up the work because the dad is away a lot.

And posters will say this is par for course because ‘this is what you signed up for as a step-mother’.

And that’s the issue. DSS is the last concern here. Who cares if his mother can’t be arsed with the dog any more. The fact is, DSS has suffered at her hands and has had his life turned upside down as a result. His mother is now handing down more emotional abuse to him by threatening to hand his dog in to an animal shelter. OP sees this (correctly in my view) as manipulation. But that doesn’t help her DSS who just wants his dog.

Yes, it’s sad for the boy who would like the dog. But the problem is his mother being unstable, not OP.

I'm not really a dog person at all - the only dog I tolerate is my best friends ancient and very soppy whippet.

But I'm team dog on this one. Your DSS has been through an awful time, and I think to not let him have his dog would be pretty cruel.

I get it's not perfect circumstances, and not how you would chose to bring a dog into the family, but I think I'd try and find a way to make it work if I were you.

If you re-read the OP, the fact that DSS has only seen the dog once in six months is not by choice. He’s not allowed face to face contact with his mother, so doesn’t have the opportunity to see the dog. It doesn’t mean he isn’t attached to it and doesn’t miss it - he has no control over the situation. The dog was likely his comfort through what sounds like an appalling catalogue of abuse, and the thought of it going to a dog’s home when he thought it was safe with his mother is just one more shitty thing in his life that he can’t control. OP seems more concerned with not giving in to what she rightly sees as manipulation from his mother, than what’s actually best for the child.

Accept the dog into your home on condition that hubby and stepson are primarily responsible for the care and cost. Actions >> consequences.

No, the problem is no one is putting the child's welfare first, not the OP, whose reasons for not wanting the dog are all about her and her feelings towards the bio mum, not the dad who is putting it all on OP's shoulder's instead of leaving with his child and not the bio mum who is too chaotic to have custody.

Mumsnet is mad!!

whenever anyone dares post about getting a dog, it’s always a “no” - even people who sound to me like they have the perfect set up are bombarded with reasons about why they shouldn’t get one by the puppy police in the dog house.

yet, when a stepmum doesn’t want one - she should do it! Madness!!

it’s really sad @ThickOfThorns , but don’t get a dog you don’t want. You will end up being the one who looks after it. Your stepson’s mum sounds like a nightmare and will only move on to the next thing. There is no winning here. With time he will
realise the only person responsible for the dog being rehomed is his mum.

good luck - you sound lovely X

If I were your DH a no from you on this would be the end of the relationship with you. It wouldn't be because I thought your concerns were invalid, either. I don't think anyone's being unreasonable in principle. Of course you don't have to want a dog or to agree to one living with you. But I would just feel very strongly that my son needed the dog and had to come first. That's parenting.

From your first post I thought you were unreasonable, but there was a lot of relevant info missing, including the type of dog, the presence of little children and your dh"s working hours.

I would not be allowing an untrained dog of that type in my house with young children, it's too risky.

No, the problem is that OP sees this as manipulation from his mother - which is more than likely correct - and she doesn’t want to give in to it.

What difference does it make if it’s an ‘ethically sourced dog’ ?

Im with DSS and DH on this one - you can’t let him down on this. I do appreciate dogs are hard work - but he’s already been through a lot and it’s just adding to his trauma.

And his mum saying she can’t cope with the dog probably has absolutely no bearing on how the dog is - she’s already demonstrated she cant cope with her own child so this is a bit of a non point really.

This. In a nutshell. The most sensible post here.

Cocker spaniels can suffer from Sudden Rage Syndrome too. Some breeds are more likely to have the condition. But you would notice this by the time they are around two. After that, it’s usually something medical (ie tumour ) that is causing it.