To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Nothing to do with whether posters are dog overs or step mum haters. It’s about the child. The fact is that this boy has been traumatised by abuse and neglect at the hands of his mother, to the point where he has had to go to live with his dad and stepmum. He’s left his dog behind due to circumstance and is now faced with the possibility of it being rehomed, so naturally wants it with him, whereas OP is more concerned about the ‘ethics’ of the breeder, being ‘manipulated’ by her DH’s ex, and a host of other irrelevancies.

OP’s changed the story several times to try to influence opinion clearly not in her favour, which is a good indication that she made up her mind what was going to happen long before she started this thread. The dog will be handed in to what’s basically an animal shelter and OP will get her way, regardless of the effect on the boy. This will just be one more shitty event in his life, over which he has no control.

Is she, though?

The OP does school drop off and pick ups, and also all the cooking and household admin, which says to me she doesn't work many hours, if at all. The Dh works more than 12 hours a day on some days.

I took her comment about financial responsibility to mean she is supporting him with family money, not her own money, separate from the money DH earns.

If the DH is working all those hours and not contributing financially, she has bigger problems than the dog, and he'd be doing her a favour if he left with the son and the dog.

This. Dogs can stink a house out even if washed. They are limititors on freedom to do what you want and when you want. They’re disgusting in terms of having to pick up poop and stop them eating literally crap at times

I’d never have one, ever

BUT, even here I’d suck it up if I loved the dad enough and saw it as a long term realtionship that included being full blown emotional step mum to this lad.

BUT only with conditions

1. dog is limited to certain rooms in house- in mine my frequent doggy visitors (4 of them at times), can go into my hall, large open plan kitchen/dinner/lounge and utility and garden. That’s it. No carpetted areas
2. all dog mess outside is cleaned immedately and washed down. No poop left on lawn , no dog widdle left along side access path
3. dog poop is disposed of in dedicated dog poop bins not my household wheelie bin
4. food and feeding in garage - no smell and mess of dog food inside
5. dogs are groomed frequently enough to not have wet dog smell
6. any farty dog is given charcoal or whatever it takes
7. i don’t pay for anything related to dog
8. I don’t do dog walks in any circumstances- if I’m only one around in emergencies they just get let out into garden
9. I don’t do emotional labour related to dog - remembering meds, organising vet etc

if dad or son fail on any of these, at any time, dog gets rehoused. Boundary set firmly. No ifs and buts.

its simply, if you decided to break up over this, dad and son would have to do all work anyway …you are not the dog enabler

yep, I wouldn’t be happy but in this case I’d at least try to make it work to show that I wasn’t completely immune to the absolutely horrible situation ss is in.

I think it's a weird logic to say you'd get an "ethically sourced" breed but send this existing dog to Dogs Trust. Not v ethical.

Ah, but then she couldn’t have trotted it out as a drip feed when opinion wasn’t going her way.

Absolutely no way OP. Sounds like the Dogs’ Trust is the best place for this animal anyway.

But op isn't anti dogs,just this one apparently 🙄

He wants the dog he has not seen for 6 months and barely mentioned lately
Please can people have some reading comprehension? He is not allowed to see his mother except under supervised contact- which doesn't include animals.
His mother threatening to get rid of his dog sounds like more emotional abuse from her towards him

So your take away is that this is about what’s best for the dog ?

Which OP is facilitating by refusing to consider him having the dog.

This

OP, I think you should institute a trial separation.
Then it should be obvious if your DSS is better off with his father and dog and any contribution from his mother. Or alternatively including you but no dog.

This. I can’t quite fathom how OP has no problem getting a different dog from an ‘ethical’ breeder, but sees nothing unethical about handing in an existing creature to a dog’s home, when her DSS clearly wants it.

OP, I may have missed this, but what does your DH and other household members think about the situation?

And I do wish you'd posted this in Stepparenting, not AIBU.

Ah yes, more upheaval for an already abused and traumatised teen. Perfect solution.

The reason it appears drip feeding is for two reasons. Firstly, I do not want a volatile and abusive person realising this thread is about them (people who’ve dealt with it this kind of unpredictable person will understand). Secondly, when you are dealing with a highly manipulative person and emotional abuser, the story frequently changes and lies are told. DSS said that the dog was purchased for him, it now transpires, having read the messages that have been sent that it was a family dog who has the strongest bond with DSS, thus it’s now deemed ‘his dog.’

Of course you're not BU not to want a dog OP. But I think you would be VVU to separate this boy and his dog after everything he's been through. He may not seem to have been taking much interest in the doc recently, but removing the dog would mean yet more upheaval in his world, and he's already been through so much. Unfortunately circumstances have conspired to land you in this position but you have the opportunity to either provide a traumatised kid with some much-needed continuity or... not to.

If you can, try to separate your feelings about the boy's mum from what is the right thing to do for the boy. There's a lot about this situation that's unfair to you, and I totally sympathise - I have a DSD and her mum was a nightmare when she was a child - but I think this decision needs to be about your SS given the situation.

Hi all,
We have had quite a few reports about this thread and made several deletions. We understand that emotions run high when it comes to kids and their dogs but we still require posts to adhere to our guidelines. A fellow MNer has asked for advice and support - those people who cannot offer this constructively, whether pro or anti taking in the dog, should avail themselves of one of our other thousands of threads.

Dog lover here. And I think the best solution is to responsibly rehome the dog which Dogs Trust should do. If you can’t offer the dog a decent home which would involve training it, excercising it and very definitely loving it then rehome to someone who will. And from personal experience never rely on teens/children to take over sole responsibility for a dog.
Regarding its breed that is not necessarily a problem. Out of all the dogs I have had the Staffy x was the most affectionate soppiest one

Such a sad situation. In an ideal world of course you would take the dog. It might give your son an enormous amount of emotional support…

or… it might be a daily reminder to you of the pressure and control that his mother still has over him. Even from afar! This is how narcissists work. They rely on others to be kind and helpful while raging abuse as far and as wide as they can!

So if DH can’t afford a daily dog walker/sitter/trainer. Which is rather expensive then gradually start the discussion with the DSS that the dog costs x amount, he can’t stay, he will be loved elsewhere and have a better life and make him involved in the process of letting go of the dog that should never have been bought for him. Appreciate his feelings, show him it doesn’t work in your household, and help him do it himself.

Maybe help him see that the dog was never meant to be gift of love but a burden of control. But you are going to do all you can to make sure this dog has a better life.

I can see that the dog isn't going to work for you but DSS obviously needs support to let him go and realise that you won’t do the same to him. I think most posters are really feeing for the boy and his dog. Of course you would give the boy extra love and support in this process. And he needs to overtly see that and be sure of it.

The Dogs Trust isn’t a bad thing to do. They are lovely and love the dogs in their care. They also won’t take them immediately though so it might be a wait.

Is there another way of doing things OP. Do you have any dog loving neighbours or friends who could take it on? Is the a local dog Facebook group? Could your DH and DSS take the dog to the rehoming charity, who would hopefully understand the circumstances and maybe give your DSS an update. Take control back from the mother for the rehoming.
This dog sounds like it would greatly benefit from a very experienced dog owner and that would hopefully help your DSS, knowing the dog is in a good place.

I’m with your DH too, the poor lad has been through a lot so probably needs his companion

@Rosscameasdoody
Obviously if the OP is the worst of her, the DSS's mum and the DSS's dad for the DSS this is a good thing long term.

Or do all mumsnetters think stepmums should have no say but also are not allowed to leave and stop being indentured servants to the first family?

I would say this marriage is not for you and typifies the huge problems blended families have when trying to accommodate the baggage brought to relationships, without fully looking at potential long term issues which arise, and how you would deal with them. Your dh needs to put his son’s mental health issues first, and if that means him leaving and setting up home with just himself and his son, then so be it.