To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Have to laugh out loud at the dad being described as involved. Only goes to show how much MN hates stepmums!

You are well within your responsibility to both yourself and your DSS to say no to having the dog live with you. Your DSS needs to be told that the world doesn't revolve around him and that resources are limited and that in order to be a properly structured and supportive family you cannot cope with his dog.

This thread is prime mumsnet. Dog lovers and stepmother haters joining together as one to pile on the OP and ignore all the facts.

Or prime lack of reading comprehension.

Just say no. I honestly think it's the best thing.

I'm so sorry she's doing this to you and your dss.

In your OP you said that the dog was purchased for him.

Yep, hate on this level for any other cohort of people would have the MN police shutting it down. But it’s absolutely ok when it’s stepmums.

I think after being physically abused and neglected by his own mother, to the point where he’s had to move in with his dad, he’s probably more aware than most fourteen year olds that the world doesn’t revolve around him.

He has been through so much already there is absolutely no question that I’d let him bring the dog even if I absolutely hated it.
Yourpoint about ethical sourcing makes no sense at all. This is a dog that someone already has a bond with and needs a home . How on earth would abandoning it to whatever fate to get another elsewhere be in any way ethical ? You’re not buying it from a backyard breeder …… you’re giving a dog that needs a home, a home .
Would you really hurt the son and the dog so much out of principle that you don’t want to back down to the Mother ? In all honestly is it really emotional blackmail anyway? If she can’t cope with her son she probably genuinely can’t cope with his dog .

Nope. Most of us are neither.

OP is dripping her way through the thread changing her story to sway posters. How is it only mentioned after hundreds of posts that the dog is suddenly dangerous, destructive, oh and it now it's not even his dog anyway.....

I’m with the OP on this. Ultimately dogs are a massive commitment and if she doesn’t want one and she’s realistically going to be the one looking after it, it’s not fair on her or the dog.

This situation is really difficult though as it sounds like the poor SS has been through a lot and this much feel like another loss for him. Ultimately though I can’t see how bringing a dog into a home with someone who doesn’t want one (and is therefore likely to become more stressed and resentful) is likely to be a good step.The chances are, he may well move out in 3-4 years and then the OP still has a dog she doesn’t want.

A dog is a lot of responsibility. Retraining an adult dog will take a lot of time and effort. You have other children in your house who do not know the dog.

It would be a no from me.

Agree with all of this and I dont know why you even posted this AIBU in the first place if you didn't want to hear people actually answer your question.

YABU.

I agree - apart from which a dog ‘sourced ethically’ is likely to be just the type of dog you are suggesting should be rehomed. In the circumstances, whilst I appreciate you did not sign up for a pet, I would move heaven and earth to find a way to accept the presence of this dog in your life for the sake of a vulnerable child. There are dog walkers who can come take it out during the day for walks or doggy day centres - just ask your DH to ensure that he [with his DS] undertake all the arrangements and tae on board to additional costs of keeping this pet.

My mother was like DSS’s - bought us a dog, then upped the abuse before giving it away - not a single one of my sisters and I ever really recovered. We are massive pet lovers and each have several dogs [in my case of the same breed, so I’m clearly still working that trauma out on some subconscious level!]

I hope you will consider softening your position on this - perhaps by drawing up a commitment contract that your DH and DSS can help draft and sign up to so that it is completely understood what they need to do to make this work for you?

As an aside - my DH is a reluctant dog parent. Never agreed to any of the 3 dogs we [I] acquired with the children and even threatened divorce [albeit very half-heartedly] if we got a 2nd, erm or 3rd, dog. He is now besotted. DSS’s dog may grow on you…

I wouldn't feel comfortable taking the dog either. And absolutely it feels like a way to cause strife / manipulative on the mothers behalf. In fact I'd hate her for doing this to DSS, the dog and you as a family with other children.

The son wants the dog to be safe though. Could you see if you know anyone that could take it in? Someone nearby so DSS could visit? If not, Id be (very very reluctantly) taking in the dog- to keep DSS on an even keel - but also as a fuck you to the mother (we are delighted to have the dog. So much better than your suggestion to have the dog pts- how awful that you had even thought to to that to your own son's dog. )

@Theroadt
Why is this all that matters but the DSS's own mother nasty inflexibly and unkindness given a pass?
Why is the stepmother held to a higher standard?
Especially when she's contributing more to the DSS than his own mother and father?

The dogs been without the child for over 6 months. The child will of never been the one training the dog who sounds untrained anyway.

You’re basically being asked to just take on a rescue dog.

I can’t believe how many people would take on a random destructive dog because of emotional blackmail by a parent who’s had her child removed hardly the best place to get anything from. Probably the type of owner to “train” by fear of a slap across the snout.

Dogs are very much trainable and things like sleeping on the bed can easily be changed . One of my sons has a dog of his own and he absolutely does take care of him entirely on his own other than financially. I don’t think you are giving him enough credit .
all of your issues could be resolved with a conversation about rules for accepting the dog. Including one stating that unfortunately , no matter what happens, no other animals will be able to come.

YANBU.

The people telling you you’re being mean are the usual dog obsessives on MN who think the world revolves around dogs, and cannot tolerate anyone who doesn’t like dogs.

Under no circumstances would I take on a dog. It’s like taking on another child. It’s a huge commitment in terms of time, money and mess, for YEARS. I don’t like dogs around me, and wouldn’t have one in the house.

More importantly, what about your other children? Maybe they don’t want/don’t like dogs, and it’s risky bringing an untrained dog into their home.

I suggest you ask around friends and family to see if anyone else wants the dog, in the hope that your DSS would be able to visit it sometimes.

Making your SS miserable just because you think your husband's ex is trying to manipulate you is a rubbish reason for not having the dog, as is the concern about its breeding. Honestly, OP, I don't like dogs but I would suck this one up, and make it conditional on your husband arranging some intensive behaviour training ASAP.

There is lots involved in parenting (or step parenting) that we would not choose to do however we do it for the best interests of the children. I assume you don't have children of your own.

Indeed. The comments wailing at OP to take the dog are, especially since the breed information, an indication of nothing other than how absolutely batshit some people are.

This. I think the overwhelming concern is for the child, who has already been through so much. OP says quite clearly in her initial post that the dog was purchased for him. Now it seems that it was a family dog and not meant solely for him after all. I think OP made up her mind that the dog wasn’t an option long before she started the thread and the drip feed is as a result of so much opposition to the stance she has taken.

Yes, because there are thousands of responsible fosters just waiting to take on dogs, and there is not at all a crisis of foster homes, or dogs being euthanized because there are no homes for them.

OMG read her updates! She PAYS for and provides all the childcare for this DSS and the other children.